Saturday, January 8

You Like, You Buy Vol 19

I was initially too gutted to post today after waking up to news of the Brad-Jen split. In the end I just had to accept that life goes on and wait for the tabloids to alert me when they hook up with other genetically perfect human beings.

Let's try to get over it by looking at some of the cute crockery by tableware designers Topchoice ( I like how there's a strong farm animals theme because there's something incredibly soothing about looking at pictures of animals and consuming their byproducts (or even them) at the same time.


Chicka Chicka


Milk Shake

When I was a child, I used to hate it when people gave me dodgy ceramic coin banks as presents. The way I saw it, they either picked up what was lying on the top of the supermarket bargain bin or they had prescience about my adult self-destructive spending habits. However I wouldn't have minded so much if I got one of these coin banks:



I especially love the Bollywood Cowie, it looks about to break out into song and dance around a palm tree.

If you're looking for something less bestial, check out the Chill Out range of tall coffee mugs:

Chill Out I

Chill Out II

Be careful if you bring one of these into work. Keep it close to you because mug thieves are everywhere and their methods are increasingly sophisticated. They could be based from other departments, other floors even. As for me, I don't drink coffee or tea when I'm at work. My beverage needs are met by my trusty and reliable Teddyport. Now in a world where there is one less Hollywood golden couple, I will be depending on it more than ever.

Blog of the day: Crazybrave is nominated as Best ACT Blog, Best Australian Personal Blog and Best New Australian blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.

Friday, January 7

Personal Hygiene

Personal hygiene. Let's try make it a social norm instead of an option. Brush, gargle and spit. Rinse, lather and repeat (several times if you have OCD). A change of underwear daily. If they've been ripped apart by wild dogs then make a pair out of an old t-shirt. And ladies, when guys say they like dirty girls, they usually mean the other sort of dirty. I know, shocking isn't it.

You'd be surprised how many people don't include personal hygiene in their daily routine. Take Colin Farrell for example. He might be the world's most famous leprechaun right now, but I'm worried I might catch something if I stare at his picture for too long. Colin needs a decontamination-strength cleansing stat. Who knows, there may be some people who still find him attractive enough to volunteer for that job.

It's been a while since we had a product blitz, so here are some things to keep you stylishly sanitary:

Italian toothpaste
Marvis toothpaste is imported from Italy. Therefore it is fashionable by default. It comes in gelato-coloured flavours like Aquatic Mint, Paradise Mint, Ginger Mint and Jasmine Mint. Good enough to eat, apart from the bit about sodium flouride being poisonous when ingested.

Perfume and deodorant
I always get flustered when people come up and ask: Excuse me, can you tell me the time and help mask my body odour? That's why the Venexx Perfume Watch is a godsend. Be punctual and fragrant. Or be late and fragrant. Either way I don't care, as long as you took the time to smell nice. Deodorant might be more your thing in which case you need to first understand the subtleties of a French deodorant ad.

Portable Bidet
The discussion had to get intimate at some point. The TOTO Travel Washlet comes in pink and blue. There are a ton of these on the market so don't be taken in so quickly by the pretty colours. Shop around and most importantly, make sure that they have a no-returns policy. Read the testimonials and if you find, like Dr Allan Cohen, that your friend wants to borrow it, it's time to get a new friend.

What's your favourite personal hygiene product?

Blogs of the day: Watchdog of the Wankers and The Falimako Blog are nominated as Best South Australian Blogs in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.

Thursday, January 6

Hot Careers 2005

I heard on the grapevine that babies are expensive. Even the ones that aren't bought by Hollywood actresses. Those drugs (the ones referred to in GIVE ME THE DRUGS NOW!!!!) cost money. So does food, clothes, childcare and an education at a school where gang fights break out only once a semester. What's more, a baby might need toys. A rag on a stick might not be enough. And this could go on for many years.

I'd appreciate any parents' views on this. Do girls cost more than boys? Does having multiple children lead to economies of scale? Is there enough room in the house for a high-maintenance wife and a baby - will one have to go? I'm not pregnant, just wondering how much a baby would cost on a per pound basis in its first year. Would it be more expensive than say, white beluga caviar?

Since these babies seem to be squeezing every last drop of household finances with their chubby little fists, we might as well make them earn their keep. Don't wait until they're in the teens because their cuteness may have been squandered away by that time. Wasn't it written somewhere in the Bible (or perhaps it was the internet) that the cute as a species do not age well?

If your baby happens to get at least one "awwww so cute" a day from a non-creepy stranger, have you ever considered that Your Baby Can Be a Successful Model Almost Overnight. It Won't Happen Overnight But It Will Happen! Yes Your Baby Can Earn Money Doing Something So Exciting That Every Word Starts With A Capital Letter.

Your friends and your relatives will be talking about the successful model in your family, the grandparents will be bragging to all their friends, and you'll have this unexplainable urge to just hang around where the magazines are being sold waiting for your baby to be recognized.

Exactly how to quickly and easily determine if your baby has what it takes with only a few minutes worth of work and for less than a coffee at Starbucks.

Discover the two mistakes that parents make that cripple their baby's chances of being awarded the modeling job. Follow the simple blueprint on page 33 to avoid these costly pitfalls.

A simple technique to help your child when he or she wants to model, but clings to you when you get there and doesn't want to let go (page 75).

I predict that babymodelling will be one of the hot careers of 2005, along with professional namedropping. I can't wait for the next reality show America's Next Top Baby Model.

Tyra: Why do you want to be America's Next Top Baby Model?
Baby: *gurgle*
Tyra: Show us what J Alexander taught you in Crawling in Heels 101
Baby: *crawl* *crawl*
J. Alexander: You crawl like you have chewing gum between your pudgy legs. And I like it.
Tyra: Let's look at your best shot.
Nole Marin: I think you have more expression in your ultrasound pictures.
Baby: *waaaah*
Janice Dickinson: If you don't like criticism, you should think about being in another line of work. Besides, you know how I feel about big babies in couture.
Baby: *burrrrp*

Are you sold yet? Your baby could be making you thousands instead of lying there in its crib earning zero returns. Get it in front of cameras and soon you'll be rolling so much money you could make wallets out of the money you're rolling in. So hop to it. Those babies don't find paid employment themselves (but wouldn't it be good if they did).

Blog of the day: is nominated as Best Overall Australian Blog, Best NSW Blog, Best Humourous Australia Blog & Best Australian Personal Blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.

Wednesday, January 5

Three bad haircuts

I've asked Simon (Godfather of the HK blogging world) if he will organise a meet in the foreseeable future. I might turn up because I'm secretly panicking that I don't know enough people whose knowledge I can feed off.

You see, none of my HK friends read anything except the horse racing guide or those Chinese weeklies with the bikini models on the cover. Usually the model has her tongue implanted in a cone of vanilla ice cream and by page 27 the vanilla ice cream has formed leaky whitish streaks all over her mouth and neck while she splays her legs awkwardly in a bathtub. Are her motor skills not developed enough to tackle ice cream without making a mess? This is why as a child, my mum always made me eat ice cream over the sink with my hair tied back.

From what I gather, the HK bloggers are really knowledgeable about politics, sports and music. I don't know anything of substance except where to find pics of Natalie Portman wearing nothing but a thong (American meaning). We'd form an unbeatable trivia team and we would call ourselves "All skank, all the time".

The meet can't happen too soon though because of my hair needs time to recuperate. Can you believe I've had 3 bad haircuts in a row. That's more than 100 bad hair days and counting! Dear God Who Just Stepped Out of a Salon, why hast thou foresaken me?
I would post pictures but then everyone would think "What the sh*t is that? Ugh, we couldn't even pass you off as exotic looking" and stop visiting. To help you avoid bad haircuts in Hong Kong, I've posted reviews of my past 3 hairdressers' performance.

Eric of Triple Edge
Eric is scared of scissors and of human hair. He moved timidly and hid behind me most of the time, pretending he was trimming a hedge instead. No wonder the outcome was so boxy. So in my recent holiday snaps, you see the picturesque River Arno and then a black bakelite telephone looming up from the side, but it's really just my head.

Matthew of Headquarters
Matthew has really bad hair and I suspect he can only see in 2-D instead of 3-D. He tried to put some layers in but he must have cut against the grain or something. My hair collapsed into a clumpy choppy mass. If I were to light up a cigarette, from afar you'd think there were smoke signals emanating from a crushed teepee.

Anthony of Il Colpo
Anthony works like Edward Scissorhands on Red Bull with some crushed Vicodin mixed in. He keeps muttering about making it beautiful except his standards of beauty are different to mine. I told Anthony that having the hairstyle of a LEGO figure based on Liza Minelli wasn't beautiful. He didn't listen so now I look like a twelve year old boy with chest and hips to match. The upside is that I have less chance of being groped in a packed train carriage.

All you avant garde salons with your "creative artistic stylistic teams", you can keep your menus with ten kinds of coffee, your Wallpaper* magazines, your personal mini-tv screens (no actually leave that) and little handbag lockers. Give me a hair stylist who will make me walk out of the salon laughing. With my head thrown back and bouncy hair glinting attractively in the sunlight.

Please post your worst haircuts in the comments section. That is a command, not a request.

Blog of the day: Whispering Loudly is nominated as best West Australian blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.

Tuesday, January 4

Harvey Nichols in HK

When I first saw the Harvey Nicks signage at The Landmark shopping centre in Hong Kong, I was a little bit sceptical but aroused nonetheless. It'll never be as good as the original. It might not be all that. It might just sell green shopping bags and teddy bears. Bloody Harrods airport outlets. Have you had your zinc supplements today? On and on the voices in my head whispered. Then I found out that they plan to open a 60,000 square feet store in Hong Kong by September 2005. That's a lot of rack and shelf space and some of it will be possibly devoted to Balenciaga. Excuse me while I hyperventilate into a brown paper bag that I keep beside me for these situations.

If we look at the bigger picture, this development could pave the way for further London emporiums to crack into the Judith Leiber Shih Tzu Minaudieres of the moneyed set. Come on down, Selfridges - stepping in there is like receiving a quick shot of morphine, dying painlessly and ascending to heaven. Don't forget about Harrods, there's the extra benefit of having Mohammed El-Fayed come over to open the summer and winter sales. I don't think we've ever had an El-Fayed cut a ribbon in Hong Kong before and it would be immense fun to inflict him on the local celebs. Heck, we'll even let him bring his pet menagerie too.

Mr El Fayed: Here, try on this fur hat. That is so fetch.
Lucy Liu: Can someone get me a decent movie role? Preferably as a non-stereotypical Asian non-dragon lady character. Anybody? Please?

(With Holly "irrelevant since mid-2003" Valance)
Mr El Fayed: Just let Professor Flossyboots claw a little bit, I'll pay for any stitches. My credit rating is good.

(With Xtina Aguilera)
Mr El Fayed: I squeezed mine too hard and now it's broken. Ah ha. I will swap the broken kitten for the not broken puppy when she is not looking. Ha ha.

Mr El Fayed: This is what you will wear on our date tonight. I expect to get to AT LEAST third base this time.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Can someone get me a decent movie role? Preferably where the plot does not revolve around the size of my bust which is disproportionate to the rest of my body? Anybody? Please?

(with Natalie Imbruglia)
Mr El Fayed: When I heard your last album, I wanted to break a dishwasher-safe plate over your head like so.

Blog of the day: Manolo's Shoe Blog is nominated in the Best New Blog category of the Best of Blog Awards.

Monday, January 3

Spandex Bond

The results of the Real Asean Bond contest are in! It seems like a whole bunch of you voted for Diving Dancing Dinesh. As usual the popular vote sucks harder than an Electrolux. But maybe not because Dinesh has displayed fine taste in naming Anne Hathaway as his perfect choice of Bond Girl. Hmmm I wonder why. She would be great as Double Agent Chesty Larue. Or Flashy McHighbeams. Or Areolar Jugson. Need I go on?

But what is Bond anyway other than a company man with lots of frequent flyer miles. He's still a mere mortal without any superpowers who has to order his martinis shaken, not stirred. A superhero would be able to alter the force fields around his martini to shake it and freeze it until it's ice cold.

Fashionwise, Bond's relegated to a tuxedo or Saville Row suit while a superhero can afford to break out in a costume of vivid colours and fantastical (fantesticle even) detail. Which brings me to where all discerning superheroes shop for their wardrobe needs. Why Spandexman of course! The fact that I went through all of the customer galleries is a testament to an inner strength I didn't know I had. Go me!

In brightest day, in blackest night no evil shall escape my sight, especially now that these ivy-rimmed corrective lenses have banished my myopia.

Hey there King Tut, is that a wireless optical 3-button mouse on your lap or are you just happy to see me?

The best part about being a superhero is being able to fly. Last time they shot me out of a cannonball I flew all the way into Ms Gertrude's prize petunias. Got grounded for it so no flying for a while.

Come sit by me, and with the aid of a beach ball I will visually explain how babies are created for I am...the Masked Fertilizinator.

George Michael (alter ego of mild mannered geeky Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou) is one of my favourite superheroes. I mean he got Cindy, Naomi, Christy and Linda to appear together in the same music video plus Naomi didn't cut anyone! And to think that they arrested him in a public toilet when he was just trying to change into his superhero outfit.

Pirates aren't exactly superheroes but they're funny. Especially when they're all "Arrr! Quick, it be time to join th' conga line agin!".

Just forget about the jeans around the ankles and what's happening on the tv screen behind for a moment. Superheroes need their downtime too! What they do what they've finished saving the world is a private matter. I mean, once the plumber has fixed your leaking toilet, do you care what he does when he goes home? Is it any of your business that he sinks down on the couch in front of the TV with a bag of chips and goes through all the videos made during the day from tiny cameras he installed in bathrooms he was working on (yours being the subject of video tape #2897)? Stop being so judgmental because I really like this outfit. It's so sleek, black and shiny and reminds me of a Prada handbag that I used to covet. I'm getting shivers just thinking about it. Skin is starting to crawl a bit too. OK, must stop looking at this picture.

Sunday, January 2

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 22

It's so cold right now there are parts of me that could pierce through glass. I would kill for some extra body fat to get me through the rest of winter. In fact, I wish I could just drape Kirstie Alley around me everytime I stepped outside the house.

Oh how I miss summer, not so much the weather but the ability to wear crazy caps which tell the story of how creatures in Rio Mardi Gras masks and headdresses invented fire. All it's missing is a little spinning propeller on top that sprinkles confetti. And long strands of beads.

I can't decide whether the most disturbing thing about the picture above is:
1. the aforementioned cap of craziness;
2. the girl who is wearing a pink dust ruffle (stolen from a crib) under her strappy stripey top, presumably to keep out the dust that comes from walking through the polluted streets of Hong Kong; or
3. the owner of the cap who appears to be caught in mid-grope.
Ah, the halcyon summer days of carefree youth spent grabbing ass.

That's the great thing about summer, the heat makes us do all kinds of wonderful crazy things. When the sun made a cameo appearance for a few minutes last week, I was tempted to do something silly to celebrate. But someone beat me to it. Whaddya do when it's a sunny morning, the birds are singing but the trees are as bare as Liz Hurley's chest?

You take out your favourite happy top, the salmon one with the speckled blossoms on the sleeves, put on your favourite pair of floral pants and strap on your favourite tropical backpack, that's what you do.