Friday, August 5

Do you IPEX?

The Victoria's Secret IPEX demi bra is the world's most advanced bra. I know so because Gisele Bundchen explained to me, while writhing about in her underwear, how it took 2 years of patent-pending technology to create something that would provide seamless and maximum nipple coverage. It is a bra that is so high-tech that it could easily make your breasts redundant.

However due to "problems with fit and lack of sex appeal" sales haven't been as huge as expected. The lack of consumer enthusiasm has prompted Victoria's Secret to come up with a new advertising campaign. The technology remains the same but this time around there are even more models writhing about in their underwear.

They've also trotted out Gisele for a launch of the "demi" version but instead of injecting sex appeal she turned up in an amorphous mass of fabric, just like at the Academy Awards.

Perhaps it's because she spends so much time on barely naked photoshoots that she just needs to let loose and cover up once in a while. It's the exact opposite of what nuns must go through. However it's probably not going to help the folks at Victoria's Secret who have yet to learn how to market a bra. To do so you must first create desire.

Secondly, and more importantly, you must create fear. Fear that without the bra, you'll have what she's having.

Thursday, August 4

More emotions per dollar

As if these nations haven't been through enough already. When they came out in the late 1990s, I remember that the Furbies developed quite a following in the Hong Kong Chinese community. Guys started buying them instead of Sanrio toys for their girlfriends to prove their undying love. Grown women carried them around and smugly thrust them in the faces of their single friends. It was like the Hong Kong version of a promise ring. How I look back on those times with disgust-tinged nostalgia.

Now Hasbro has allowed us to relive those good old days with the new improved Furby (seen on bottom).

As you can see it is bigger, sleeker and more aurally endowed. After a while it starts to look like the plush pouty blue-eyed lovechild of Elijah Wood and Jessica Alba. Furby 2.0 is also blessed with an entire gamut of emotions which is more than I can say for its actor parents. However the full extent of its power is startingly revealed in the FAQs section.

Q: What can the new FURBY toy do?
A:The new FURBY creature can dance, play a game, tell jokes, sing a favorite song, and talk to other FURBY creatures. Additional features include the following:
Flexible Beak
Moving Eyes
Patented Eyelid Technology
Moving Eyebrows
Moving Plumage
Moving and Curving Ears
Voice Recognition (the FURBY creature will “listen” to you and respond based on his “mood”)
Two Touch Sensors (one each in the belly and on the back)
Speaks FURBISH and “learns” English

Will there even be a need to have children anymore? You can keep your Japanese female androids, at US$39.99 Furbies provide the best value in human companionship. Available for pre-order now at

Wednesday, August 3

Asian auto shows

Things about a car's features we are supposed to glean for ourselves at Asian auto shows by looking at the promo girls

This car is very very shiny and no matter what they tell you, you will look stupid in it.

Any self-respecting prostitute would be willing to get into this car.

The back seat folds down, leaving plenty of room for a session of erotically charged gymnastics.

This car is the sort of car that hitchhikers will flag down. These hitchhikers will have no money but will inevitably try to pay you back for fuel in the form of a lapdance.

The paintwork and finish of this car is exceptional. It is impervious to buttock prints.

This car is perfect for the man who swings from treetops, has many girlfriends and says "Me Tarzan. You, shut up and let me drive."

Tuesday, August 2

Great expectations

Finding it difficult to buy a pair of decent jeans nowadays? Apparently the situation gets even worse as one grows older. I've been hearing about these Tummy Tuck jeans which are meant to do amazing things to the bodies of 30-plus women. Things that only Demi Moore's plastic surgeon can do. After all not everyone is blessed with a physique like Cathie Jung or a complete lack of self-awareness like Pamela Anderson.

Unfortunately Tummy Tuck Jeans has received some mixed reviews. It's too high rise. It's too snug. It makes my ass too big. It makes my ass too small. It makes my ass violently shoot out flames and burn people to a crisp.

It seems that many women have high expectations for their jeans and expect it to do everything and be everything their heart ever wished for. It's not a man for god's sake, it's just a pair of jeans! Well I have a couple of words for you hard-to-please people. Elasticised. Tapered. Jeans.

Monday, August 1

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 36

What a beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky, the sun is shining, which can only mean one thing. The umbrellas of Hong Kong are back, and this time it's personal!

Just like imitation pythonskin handbags, everyone is carrying one these days to provide shade under the shade of a tree.

If you want to gain serious street cred though, it's all about matching your accessories to your clothes. What to do when there are many shades of pink and only one of you?

Well I'm off to colour-code my umbrellas now and I hope you do the same too. Just remember what they say about lacy umbrellas - black for Elegant Gothic Lolita and white for Elegant Sweet Lolita! There's a big big difference.