Friday, October 7

My what big biceps you have

While the rest of the world was agog at the breathtaking displays of hirsuteness at the World Beard and Moustache Championships last week, hundreds and thousands of really big men quietly converged on Chengdu, China seeking fame and fortune at the Strongest Man Championships.

The capital of Sichuan province hosted an impressive cavalcade of strongman contests like the Pillars of Hercules shown above. The object is to hold onto the pillars for as long as you can lest they come tumbling down as pillars left to their own devices are wont to do. There were also the lunchtime deliveries of steel canisters filled with greasy takeaway Chinese food and cheap beer, a herculean feat that our office boy performs each day.

Even the local residents got into the action, offering up their own children as projectiles in the hope that they would bypass the ticket gates and land in the vicinity of Hong Kong Disneyland.

And in this picture, a fierce goliath shows just exactly how hard he can pat a panda (not hard enough judging from the panda's look of extreme indifference).

So today I want you all to partake in a celebration of sheer brute force by punching a hole in the nearest wall. But first, read "How to Perform Strong Man Stunts", neat parlor tricks for even the most diminutive male specimen.

Another blog to visit: What am I doing here? - 100% woman. Mixed it up in Seoul, London and Hong Kong before landing to rest in New York. Partying will resume at age 30.

You can fit a whole alligator in there

Seems that everyone's talking about the python that exploded after trying to swallow a whole alligator. Serves the stupid thing right, who did it think it was? Jessica Simpson?

Thursday, October 6

Thoughts of a foetus

I managed to push Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey out of the headlines. Yay me! I hear that I'm going to be the first virgin birth that the human race has had in a while. The PR peeps and I are still working out when I will actually make my grand entrance, but that really depends on when Mission: Impossible III is ready for the cinemas. You know, if problems crop up in the editing suite, I could be in here for a more than year.

But I don't mind so much. It's no Beverly Hills mansion because it's quite clean and cozy in here. Plus, it gets pumped full of niacin each day. Detoxification tickles! I heard that Sean Preston Spears-Federline had a really bad time while he was in Britney's womb - that place was rancid! Dad also reads aloud to me everyday to keep me entertained. The History of Psychiatry, Put Your Manners Back In, Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Xenu, these bedtime stories are so fascinating. When I grow up I want to be an Operating Thetan Level VII.

Gosh, I'm starting to get really excited about my future life of luxury. I've already compiled a list of things to do: 1. Rehire Pat Kingsley. 2. Laugh in Kal El Coppola Cage's face. 3. Go shopping (hopefully Marc Jacobs will have released his baby line) 4. Eliminate Isabella, Connor and Dakota. 5. Throw up/crap/urinate on Oprah (the person, not the show).

My mum is being played by Katie Holmes, who got the part after Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba and a couple of others passed on the opportunity to spawn me. Their loss! I'm probably the only one closer to Mum than her handlers at the moment. I know her every thought and movement. Like how she feels insecure about all the hunky oiled up gardeners, poolboys and other household staff who don't seem to have the slightest bit of interest in her. Or how she keeps a packed suitcase and fake passport locked in a bank vault just in case she wants to flee this whole nightmare and start a whole new life again. But I'm saying all of this is in extreme confidence so don't you DARE print this or you'll have my lawyers to answer to.

I guess people are going to start speculating on my gender too. Dad wants a boy he can do action sports with while Mum doesn't really care as long as she gets her figure back. Personally I'm a little confused as to what sex I'm supposed to be. I don't think that is an extra finger growing between my legs. But at the same time I have a feeling that I like boys (crushing on Maddox BIGTIME!). Even though I'm told that girls smell good and look pretty. But then again I've also been told that we descended from clams. Hahaahahahah. Hahahahahaha. Oh god, I think I'm developing my dad's overlaugh.

Another blog to visit: Says the Asian Leprechaun - Yesterday, my left breast and my right breast were arguing... I looked down at my chest and shouted, "Bitches, get in line, or I'm putting on a bra!"

Wednesday, October 5

Neiman Marcus Christmas Book

Well well well. What have we here? The Neiman Marcus Christmas Book has arrived. And Neiman Marcus ships to Hong Kong. SHIPS TO HONG KONG. If you know what's good for you, jot down my suggestions in your day planner. I HATE to be surprised at Christmas.

OMG Ewok designer treehouse condo! I MUST have this. Even if I have to timeshare with a bunch of incomprehensible wacked out teddy bears who are too primitive to appreciate Wallpaper*.

With these photo frames I will be able to display pictures of my crazy cold-eyed ancestors who lived and died as one happy family in the same state-run asylum.

There's something about a photo booth that brings out the miscreant in even the most wholesome of poet yodellers. The way Hong Kong property prices are going, I could also rent it out as a spare room.

Something to put outside the front door. It will terrorise people into believing that Sam the world's ugliest dog lives here.

The gift of extra underwear is always appreciated. God knows it's so easy to wake up these days and find your underwear on somebody else's head. There are seven per pack but don't be stingy - spring for two packs so that I can have one for each month.

Fascinating stuff that I could house in my own fortress of solitude, which incidentally has amazing panoramic views. It just hangs in mid-air with "no visible means of support". Must be the same technology used in Tori Spelling's breasts.

Does this man come in a colour other than cream? I fear he may dirty too easily.

If you buy me this fetching camel tweed suit, I will let you serenade me with a rousing showtune medley and gaze longngly at me from behind your piano. As the seasons change I will alternate it with other suits of varying thickness and eventually you will die of unrequited love and consumption.

Tuesday, October 4

Fall Fashion Trend: Bows

Bows are back baby and I wouldn't have it any other way! Oh it takes me back to a time of ribbons and pigtails and starched cotton frocks and afternoon tea parties with my dolls and stuffed animals. Granted, it was only last month that we were all swapping gossip over herbal tea and cucumber sandwiches but I did promise Miffy that we should do this more often.

One cannot ignore this phenomenon the way that the fashion conscious studiously ignore PETA protesters on the runway. From head to toe, outfits are being transformed to usher in a more gentle and fun femininity. About time too, because I haven't had a good flirtatious giggle and hair flick in ages.

Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck, Hello Kitty, it is no coincidence that these paragons of female virtue sport kicky hair bows. From time immemorial, these accessories have been used as a signifier of the female gender. Without bow shaped bones in their women's hair, cavemen would not have been able to figure out who to club on the head and drag back to their caves. Do you have perchance that thing where your jaw is decidedly mannish? And your facial hair is frighteningly excessive? Well stick a bow in your hair and you will feel pretty and witty and gay.

The beauty of the bow is that it's not just an embellishment - it can even be worn on its own. You can't do that with a pleat or a button (shut up Bai Ling).

Time will tell if this is just a gimmick or some kind of self-referential injoke perpetuated by industry insiders who would like nothing more than for us to look stupid at our own expense. As with any other fashion trend, I'm in it for the long haul.

Another blog to visit: Maktaaq - 100% whale blabber

Monday, October 3

Hollywood divorce support group

It's official. Angelina can now rip the scarlet A away from her chest and proceed to hump Brad in full view of the paparazzi without public recrimination. But all is not lost for Jennifer. She has beautiful hair, heaps of money, a burgeoning film career and the sage advice of Hollywood's most important women.

Courtney Love

Who needs a husband when you can have a best friend forever! And booze. And drugs. And uh...what was I saying? Ooh, a shiny object!

Melanie Griffith

It's really important to keep a fresh, radiant and youthful appearance all the time so that your husband isn't tempted to stray.

Jennifer Lopez

From one Jennifer to another, the first time is always the hardest. Trust me, practice makes perfect!

Katie Holmes

Bummer. But hey, four years of marriage is a really good deal. I only managed to get three.

Juliette Lewis

If you wanna get over Brad, I suggest that you channel all your hurt and anger into music like I do.

Gwyneth Paltrow

This never would have happened if I was married to Brad instead. I would rather die than be seen getting a divorce. It's not that easy juggling a successful marriage with a successful career and on top of all that, an amazingly talented child, but somehow I manage to do it on a daily basis with unique and stylish aplomb.

Sienna Miller

It must suck to wake up and have to read every lurid detail of their relationship in the papers. I can't imagine how incredibly humiliating that must be.

Jessica Simpson

I guess this makes me and whatshisface the new golden couple. For now.

Another blog to visit: MelbourneHumanFemale - A Student/Writer/Freelance Villain in Melbourne, Australia, in her earlymid 20s, barking about life and generally being a showpony. Have a read kids; it's ever so fun. Plus there's a fair bit o' titty.