You Like, You Buy Vol 12

Brando.com.hk, home of more gadgets than you can poke a geek at, is offering free shipping until December 20th! The mobile phone section offers many stylish accoutrements to dress up your mobile phone so that it's pretty enough to step out on the town with.

Lovely Pet Cover

As the review suggests it will definitely appeal to somebody who appreciates cuteness. Appreciate cuteness? Hell, every fibre of my being yearns for cuteness. Unfortunately the cat is sold out. Not good. There is also another version for flip phones but once again the cat has been sold out. SUXOR!!!

Camera Lens


The lenses contained in Combo Set 1 and Combo Set 2 impose special effects on images taken by mobile phone cameras such as making them look fuzzily distorted and appear in triple vision. Basically it can recreate an image as it appeared to you in the early hours of the morning just before they threw you out of the bar so that they could close up.

Flashing keypad
Whether there are incoming calls or outgoing calls, DJ Nokia is always ready to party. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Boy & girl puppy strap

Strictly for the couples who have run out of ways to express their love for each other. I was given a pair as a gift and I can tell you now that after putting them in several positions, even ones where I thought the girl puppy would blush or find particularly enjoyable, she only blushes and says I Love You when receiving a kiss.

The site should also be commended for providing female-friendly gadgets like Mom-Kid Cares for mummy and Massage Pen for the single girl.

Enter now and win

Competitions! Prizes up for grabs! Win glory, fame and most of all prizes! The Cathay Pacific Airline website is running a competition asking entrants to describe what little things matter most to them in their travel experience. The first prize is 2 round trip Economy class tickets but it doesn't say where to. I'll take my chances, what's the worst they could do, Bahrain? Oh. Well here's my entry anyway:

There are usually 2, sometimes even 4 little things that matter most to me. They're called engines. I like to be able to look out the window and not see any sparks or a ball of flame. Yes it's the little things that count, not the flamboyant gestures in the way of airshow pyrotechnics.

Over at the Star Movies website, they are holding a search for an Asian James Bond. You guys better pray that Cantopop hasbeen Aaron Kwok isn't entering the Hong Kong category because he will wipe the floor with these 3 photos alone:

Suave & sophisticated


Cool, calm & relaxed


Dressed to kill


And for good measure, he might even throw in this one which is titled Laughing in the face of danger and good taste.

Let's go shopping & grogblogging

I can see the end of the working week in the near distance, bless its little heart, as I run to it in slow motion with my arms outstretched. So what's doing on the weekend? I often like to finish a hearty lunch on the weekends by uttering my 3 favourite words: Let's. Go. Shopping. This week shoppers in Hong Kong are faced with 2 exciting new options:
1. The new Lane Crawford department store that opened earlier this month at IFC Mall. I tend to visit the place during the weekday evenings (stupid work doesn't let me duck out for high tea and high-end browsing), and on those occasions, have found many waiters hovering at each entrance to present customers with a glass of champagne as they arrive. It's like they want to get us drunk and spend all our money, and in that respect the place is no different to your average girlie bar.
2. Langham Place Mall has also opened and houses 170 shops including Seibu, the Japanese department store. Because it is situated in Mongkok, the ability to acquire genuine luxury goods and pirated goods in the same shopping trip leads to time-savings and maximises efficiency. This I like.

What if you don't really need the adrenaline rush that comes with signing away a month's rent for a divine coat (that will keep you warm & stylish when you are homeless) and just want a relaxing semi-comatose weekend? Well then do some totally unrelated things like read a book (not really safe for work), cook yourself a meal (really really not safe for work) or attend an exhibition.

Over in Sydney, many people will spend the weekend basking in the sweet afterglow of Friday night's Grogblogging 2004. If you are in the vicinity, you should really try and make an appearance. You could form new and lasting friendships, or at the very least have a drunken encounter of the sexual kind, and get to read about it the next day in somebody's blog. Destiny awaits you!

As the theme of the night will be beer, don't leave home without your beer clip, a bottle opener and a money clip in one. Run this scenario through your mind. You offer to buy your quarry a drink, take out your money clip, casually peel some notes from it to pay Mr Bartender, order an unopened bottle of beer, then use the same clip (still containing some money to show that there's more where that came from) to pop open the cap. Theatrical flourish at the end is entirely optional.

As a result of this impressive display, a throng of people would have gathered by now and be thrusting bits of paper into your one free hand for your autograph and contact details. But how's a person to going to write when the other hand is holding a precious beer? Just slide the beer into your handtooled and hand-dyed leather beer holster which you were wearing when you moseyed on in through the saloon doors. Oh my stars and garters, breathes the chief proprietress of Miss Kitty's Reputable House of Ill Repute admiringly.

Aye carumba!

UPDATE: The price tag is fast becoming a fashion accessory phenomena at the lower echelons of Hollywood. Are we at the cutting edge of fashion or what?

Buenos dias mis amigos. It has recently come to my attention that there is a Mexican Business Association in Hong Kong (MEXBA). And why not, even with mainland China at our doorstep, it never hurts to have trade partners who can provide us spectacularrr fireworks.

According to MEXBA, November is Latin America in Hong Kong month. As many of us may never get the chance to visit the one part of the world where every female looks stunning in a bikini, try to immerse yourself in some Latin American culture this month. By that I don't mean going to watch Shall We Dance just because it stars a famous Latino.

MEXBA's site doesn't seem to contain much information about Latin-American style so here are style tips for fiesta fashion:
1. When you're the shortest guy in your group of friends, you need a little something special to attract the ladies, that goes beyond the customary pink suit and mini tie. That something is a crispy helmet made from the largest tortilla one can find, complete with a little hole which acts as a window to a demented little man's soul.

2. It's not advisable to remove any implants during a celebration month as the breasts need time to recover from the initial deflation.

3. If it didn't work for fluent Spanish-speaking (and therefore understood widely in Lastin America) Gwyneth Paltrow, it's most probably not going to work for you.

4. When you pay for a full dress, you should expect just that. Not a quarter of a dress.

5. The look popularised by Quetzalcoatl, rainbow feathered serpent deity of the ancient Aztecs is a guaranteed crowd pleaser.

6. These suits look like they could liven up a dull gathering by providing the backdrop for party games such as Pin the Tail on the Dead Pixel.

7. Invest in the best quality leather bustier that money can buy, one that stops you wreaking havoc with your nipples of mass destruction.

8. To avoid embarrassing situations, it's best to let others know upfront, through your clothing, which of the vices that are drugs, sex and rock&roll you disapprove of (if any).

9. A one-button black blazer can dress up the most casual of outfits. As a result I can barely notice the man capris (manpris) and bright yellow canvas shoes, especially if I stand on the other side of the world.

10. Remember when you let the mad scientist do brain surgery on you but he tampered with the part of your brain that controls the fashion sense, then used a strand of your hair to stitch your forehead up, and surgical complications left some of your fingers perpetually splayed. In hindsight, not such a good idea.

11. Lace is perhaps the most elegant of fabrics but when worn correctly, can be racier than the tv mini-series of the same name, the one that spawned the immortal line "Which one of you b*tches is my mother?"

12. Not all shorts are designed with underwear in mind, so if you don't mind the chaffing, feel free to wear it on the outside. Put it together with an ingeniously designed top which by virtue of its giant V shape calls attention to the breasts and points to the vagina at the same time, one fashionable friend and you are ready for a girls night out on the town.

Harlot Kitty

2004 has been a mega-fabulous year for Hello Kitty. Not only did she celebrate her 30th birthday with much fanfare but she has also linked it to more product tie-ins than those featured in a merchandiser's wet dream. This merchandising bukkake has culminated in the launch of a massive multiplayer online game set in the Hello Kitty World. It's a surreal experience that would be further enhanced by playing it on your NEC Hello Kitty laptop (or if you are feeling crafty, your own DIY laptop).

Although I failed dismally at the Hello Kitty anniversary quiz, I came away with some interesting tidbits about her Royal Cuteness. Such as her full name is Kitty White and she comes from London, which explains her paleness. And that she has a twin sister called Mimmy who is described as shy and a bit of a homebody i.e. she is a manic-depressive who is kept locked up in the attic and fed sugar-powdered doughnuts laced with arsenic.

The licensing rules for Hello Kitty products are very strict and require that Hello Kitty maintain a clean and innocent image at all times. How little do they know...and I'm not just talking about the infamous vibrating shoulder massager or the dependable battery operated toothbrush.

Let's start with her choice of friends. Yes, the one and only Anna Nicole Smith who hasn't been lucid since the last millennium and doesn't know the meaning of "the party is over". I doubt Kitty and Anna Nicole just sit in her bedroom playing with their dolls, unless they are of the blowup variety. Isn't also weird that Hello Kitty is treated like one of the Hiltons, but she is never seen in the same photo as Paris Hilton?

Moving on to her lovelife, you could say that Hello Kitty has been around the block on her pink cruiser bike. In 1999, she and Dear Daniel, a fashionable New York trained hip-hop dancer (the Federline to Hello Kitty's Britney) embarked on very publicity friendly long-term relationship. There were several sham weddings but ultimately the pair did not make it to the altar because "work commitments" kept them apart. That and the eventual certainty of Dear Daniel awakening his latent homosexuality.

Currently Tippy the bear has a major crush on Hello Kitty which she is fully aware of and plays on to get help with her homework and other household chores that requires heavy lifting. The words bear-tease come to mind. Does Tippy know about Rory the squirrel who taught Hello Kitty "the secrets of the forest" and Joey the jock who is Hello Kitty's best friend but also happens to be the most popular guy in school?

Let's not forget about her torrid fling (in her words, she wanted to get "Americanized") with Julius the Paul Frank monkey just because she liked the way he made her smile. And because she has no mouth, where else would he be making her smile? It's no secret what they get up to at Paul Frank parties.

Sanrio, stop trying to force your aging sex-kitten down our throats under the guise of innocence and purity. She's Harlot Kitty and you know it.

Dog treat or Chinese herb

Hong Kong is often recommended as a great place to shop for traditional Chinese herbs and medicines. For all those not yet in the know, a Chinese herb a day, helps keep the impotence away. Despite their miraculous properties, most of them look so unappetising that not even a dog would put it in its mouth. Or would it? In the spirit of the dog toy or marital aid game that has been doing the rounds, let's play Dog treat or Chinese herb?!!!! Can your local apothecary or Fido tell the difference?

QUESTION 1

Could it be red peony root or could it be chewy ox tails?

QUESTION 2

On the one hand it looks like Achilles tendon beef chews, on the other hand it's suspiciously similar to the rubus fructus herb.

QUESTION 3

One is chewable rabbit ears (imported from Europe) while the other is balloon flower root.

QUESTION 4

Decisions, decisions...slow roasted beef liver sheet or Eucommia tree bark?

QUESTION 5

You are in a dark room. Your available choices are oven dried squid shavings or hawthorn.

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 15

On a recent trip to Sydney, I was confronted with the reality that we live in a world where the waistline has become redundant in several sections of society.

For the senior citizens, there are several things that contribute to their cantankerousness all the time. First and foremost, there is the incontinence, which fortunately is beyond the scope of this blog. Then there is the osteoporosis which causes all that stooping and height shrinkage. Thirdly, there is sagging and the certainty that gravity will not relent until everything has hit the ground.
As a result of these last two factors, trousers of normal length suddenly become longer than usual and the extra length means these same trousers, when hiked up high enough, can reverse the sag to heights only known in the pre-war era. But when faced with a problem, why opt for the least stylish solution? The answer is to alter those trousers to give some semblance of waistage and to invest in support undergarments, even if it means using up most of your pension to do so.



At the other end of the spectrum, there are the teens and tweens, with their penchant for low-rise jeans and micro-minis. It is only inevitable that some skanky substance-abusing minor celebrity would accidentally combine the two styles together and be photographed doing so, thus starting the trend of the low-rise micro-mini. Don't schools teach basic skills anymore, like the correct way of dressing so that one's pubic domain isn't in the public domain?



People, young and old, there is a part of your body approximately midway between the armpits and ankles where lower garments should sit. I implore you to find it and reclaim this "waistline" that I speak of lest I be forced to bitchslap you in the manner of a Japanese girl.