Friday, July 7

Try these out on your Chinese friends

Traditional Chinese expressions that are meant to be taken literally

To put your fist in your mouth

When you embarrass yourself by trying to remove bits of food from hard-to-reach areas between your teeth with a toothpick. First you try to extend your fingers to get that toothpick all the way into the back of your mouth, then you use a couple more fingers to get better traction and before you know it there's a whole lot more than Chinese broccoli stuck in there.

A fit person soon finds themselves in the company of hangers-on

The park is full of these people. Not really your friends, not even acquaintances, just desperate strangers trying to coast off your prowess on the monkey bars. They know a pair of strong knees when they see it and some of them don't even have the courtesy to place their hands away from your crotch area.

One head on top of another is better than one head alone

This dates back to when Chinese acrobatic troupes first hit the village scene and promoters were thinking up of ways to increase ticket sales. After intensive market research, they found that people were willing to pay big money to watch one acrobat balance her partner seamlessly on top of her head instead of just a bunch of spinning plates.

I'm walking on electric light wooah, and don't it feel good

Derived from a local pop song that became a summer hit a couple of decades ago. The upbeat tune recorded the journey of an obese woman who overcame her weight problems through gastric bypass surgery, finally allowing her to walk on lightbulbs without breaking them.

Full of hot air

Someone who is described as full of hot air is very very useful when you're behind in the preparations for your kid's birthday party and you need to blow up all the balloons real quick.

Crying buckets of tears

This phrase applies to fans of weepy Korean/Japanese tv dramas who often complain of their clothes being soaked after only 1 episode viewing. A popular solution to this problem is to strap buckets to your eyelids, turn on the tv and bawl away to your heart's content.

If you swallow a live snake, it might just find its way out through your nose

In the old days, there was no such thing as Xbox, Twister or karaoke. When the party got dull, you just grabbed a reptile and hoped for the best - the first recorded instance of this parlour trick was some time during the Tang dynasty. The original saying has since been modified over time to its current form as a popular internet expression to describe the extent of one's hilarity i.e. "I was swallowing a live snake when I read this and I laughed so hard it shot out of my nose."

Next update: Monday July 10

Wednesday, July 5

Increasing shock value

I take the effort to sit through a Wimbledon semi-final and all I get is a naked cartwheel across the lawn? Something's got to be done about those male streakers. It used to be uproariously amusing when a random guy was allowed to run about a field naked for a good five minutes before being swept up by security like a baby in a giant swaddling cloth. But now we have reality shows, Myspace and Youtube, all of which have elevated naked entertainment to a higher plane.

So what say we put the clothes back on and think about disrupting sports matches in other ways. Often designer clothing can draw a great deal more attention than the nude form. For shock value you need look no further than the Spring-Summer 2007 men's collections.

Bright neon colours make a bigger impact than pasty flesh tones when you're dealing with a wide space like a football stadium. They're easier for audiences way up in the stands to spot and they show up better on the big screen. Pick a colour, any colour as long as it's one used in a Post-It Note pad.

This is a clever ensemble that offers a tantalizing glimpse of flesh but delivers much more. The secret is to stuff as much rubbish and recycled items down the front of the pants as possible. Once you have everybody's attention, simply undo the tie string and allow the junk to spill out, so to speak.

Spectators always fall for the old surly delivery man with a pizza box trick. Even security will be fooled into thinking that you're just trying to do your job and make sure the pizza doesn't end up being free. It is a getup that poses more questions than it answers, each more bewildering than the next. Is that anchovies I smell? Who pulled him by the scruff of his neck so hard that it permanently contorted his shirt? What kind of pizza company doesn't make their employees wear pants?

As you sprint into the fray sporting a pair of toned and freshly waxed legs , sexy flowing hair and short shorts, the crowd will cheer appreciatively in a manner only reserved for female streakers. Now imagine the gasps of horror when you turn your face and people discover you're just a desk-bound corporate serf who didn't have time to shave this week.

Nothing clears a sports venue faster than the sight of a pastel-suited beekeeper running about in circles. It can only mean that a killer swarm is not far behind.

If people knew that they would be seeing a zombie streaker in action, I guarantee you, the stands would be packed to the rafters. Cheering something on as it peels off its clothes, then the rotting flesh from its bones and then biting a player's head off is worth the price of admission alone.

Next update: Friday July 7

Monday, July 3

What a tangled mess we weave

Is there ever a good reason to be getting hair extensions other than to maintain your livelihood as a booty swinging rap video extra? I don't think it's right for women to be wanting bigger hair. No good will come of it. Look what happened (maybe NSFW) when plastic surgeons caved into our demands for bigger breasts.

Another thing you've got to remember is that there's no such thing as a "mild" adhesive. Once those extensions latch on, they're never going to let go unless they take a chunk of your scalp with them. Not to mention the attendant rise in human hair trafficking. It's even more sinister than it sounds. In some cases the hair is brutally chopped off by a scissor-wielding clown maniac.

The risk is entirely yours to take but now would not be a good time to blithely ignore all the unsavoury side effects resulting from prolonged use. The most severe ones have gone undocumented until now.

Loss of appetite, social withdrawal, failure of favourite team to win the World Cup

Poor verbal skills, craving for attention, impairment of taste in men

Irritability, mood swings

Bronzy skin discolouration, perfumes being named after unflattering character traits

Exhibitionist tendencies, 12 month sentence in a Federal prison for perjury (however temporarily stopping usage resulted in early release after 10 months)

Next update: Wednesday 5 July