Friday, December 10

Scarlett woman

As much as I am loathe to turn this blog into something which is all boobs all the time, some things just bear repeating according to the China View news site.
Scarlett almost attracts all eye in black shirt and jeans with her breast half covered.

To a lonely Chinese captionwriter who has never previously encountered the partially exposed milky white bosom of a twenty-year old ingenue, I guess this would be news worth stating twice to the population of China. However given the way the Chinese luxury market is burgeoning at the moment, I'm unable to sympathise with his inability to tell the difference between a shirt and a Chanel jacket.

In other news, Brigitte Nielsen, who loves making a grab for the media spotlight, among other things almost attracts all eye in black tarpaulin with her breast and leg much less than half covered.

Thursday, December 9

HK v Sydney: Branson decides

Earlier in the week Sir Richard Branson made a brief stopover in Hong Kong to promote Virgin Atlantic's new London to Sydney via Hong Kong route. From Hong Kong he jetted off to Sydney to continue the marketing blitz. Which city do you think he enjoyed more?

In Hong Kong, he practised inflight tai chi with a bunch of half asleep, disinterested children. The prevailing mood seems to be "care factor zero" except for one little girl who wants to know if she can have a toilet break. Tough crowd.

When he arrived in Sydney he discovered what Belinda Carlisle really meant when she crooned "Ooh Heaven is a place on Earth". In this picture I can't quite make out Sir Richard. All I can see are the incision scars from where the implants were inserted.

Verdict: Two thumbs up for Sydney and thank goodness the camera pulled away before Sir Richard did his Little Jack Horner impression.

But at the end of the day, it's not about whether Sydney is an infinitely more fun place than Hong Kong. It's about how the old adage rings true. The one that says never work with children, only bikini-clad models.

UPDATE: The Asia Blog Awards have begun! Please vote for Spirit Fingers in the Best Asian Newcomer 2004 and Funniest Blog categories (voting is only allowed once per day). I promise it'll be a few minutes of your day you'll never get back.

Influential hairstyles

A couple of weeks ago, the Rachel haircut made popular by Jennifer Aniston was declared the most. influential. hairstyle. EVER. I'm normally quite suspicious of such fashion-related polls because rehashing a hairstyle she had over 10 years ago could just be a desperate PR attempt to keep Jennifer in the news. Let's face it, as far as wacky news-making celebrities go, Jennifer is so bland that she could make a tub of vanilla ice cream glaze over and fall asleep.

Furthermore, I never agree with most of what appears on these definitive lists. It's come to the point where I look at my own shopping list and say in dismay to myself "I can't believe you left out the Yakult Live Lactobacillus! How did the Nissin Ramen even make it in? This list is a complete travesty!"

Sure enough, as I scanned the list of influential hairstyles, I could feel indignation rising like a bout of Pavarotti's heartburn. Is it really fair to call what the Queen has on her head a hairstyle when it's really just a periwig heirloom handed down from the Stuart dynasty. And were the survey questionnaires accidentally sent to a maximum security women's prison because that would explain the inclusion of Sharon Stone's butch cut.

What stood out the most was the glaring omission of Cybill Shepherd:

I can only take solace in the fact that Cybill may eventually fade into tv movie obscurity but her windswept-while-speeding on-broom hairstyle will continue to live on through millions of lucky trolls.

UPDATE: Spirit Fingers is nominated the Best Asian Newcomer 2004 and Funniest Blog categories of the Asia Blog Awards (voting is only allowed once per day). A vote for Spirit Fingers is a vote for a bad hair day.

Wednesday, December 8

Burger babes

The use of hot models to promote fast food was as inevitable as the breakdown of a Hollywood marriage. Now that we're all over the whole mechanical bull being ridden in slow motion by a Maxim Hot 100 model thing, the next thing to watch out for is Heidi Klum's ad campaign for McDonalds. Will it combine the sensuality of her Birkenstock ads with the free-spiritedness of her commemorative stamp sheet and still be able to sneak in the words "fat free"?

In Hong Kong we've also tried very hard to recruit Canto-babes to endorse the burger businesses. Unfortunately this is the best we could come up with.

Here we have singer/actress/ Kelly Chen engaging in a little role-playing. She is clad in a gold frock that appears to have the texture of burger wrapping and is armed with a giant swizzle stick. Let me guess what her character name is. Berserker Patty? Defender of the Fries? Princess Filet-o-Dragon?

Next up is Fancl House's paragon of slim, Gigi Leung and she is quite happy, even on a makeup-free day, to be a walking advertisement for the Whopper Sandwich:

You'd think that Burger King would have picked somebody who's allowed by their handlers to eat a burger. Or eat anything even.

Hirsutewatch Update

Always on the lookout for further ways to salute the hirsute, I want to remind everyone that the World Beard and Moustache Championships will be held in Berlin on October 1, 2005. Let it Grow! Let it Grow! Let it Grow! It is widely rumoured that Al Pacino is attempting an audacious early breakaway from the rest of the pack.

Tuesday, December 7

Iron Bulge

Christmas cardwatch update: Hey lads and ladettes, there's no such thing as a free lunch but there is such thing as a free Christmas card. Get your free festive postcard featuring Cherry Orchard. Candy cane, a Santa outfit and the sort of thing that would make baby Chekhov cry.

On rare occasions, people who read this blog also write in asking for fashion advice. I would publish some of this mail but it might be embarrassing for the writer, especially the person who wanted to know whether it was ok to wear something like this to their grandmother's funeral because Grandma was a Titanic survivor and loved that song My Heart will Go On.

During mating season, I tend get mail from guys asking how to dress to impress. There are many reality makeover shows and books that show you how to do this already, so I'm not going to reinvent the wheel. What I do tell them however, is that true sexiness comes from the inside, not the outside. More precisely, what is inside the clothes.

At this point I usually put forward the Bulge for consideration, because as the tagline says, when you look like a stud, you feel like a stud. By the way the same applies when you substitute the word stud for slut. Yeah, I'm talking to you Mrs Ice-T.

Imagine a guy wearing the Bulge who brings a girl wearing silicone bra inserts back to his place. Wouldn't want to be in the same room with them when the time comes for the great reveal. It would be like the owl and the pussycat meeting each other for the first time outside of an internet chatroom:
PUSSYCAT: You're not a cat?!? I thought you said you liked to eat rats!
OWL: What you think you cats have exclusivity on eating small rodents? You're not even a bird! Yet you told me that you were a hot chick.
OWL: Obviously.
PUSSYCAT: Obviously.
*awkward silence*
OWL: Well I paid good money for this pea-green boat.
PUSSYCAT: Sorry I don't date outside my species.
OWL: Just get in the goddamn boat. Please?
PUSSYCAT: *sigh* OK just this once. Quit with the hovering will ya, it's freakin' me out here.

Only time will tell whether this glorified codpiece becomes so popular that when we refer to The Bulge, everybody understands it to mean the fashion accessory and not the Battle. Oh, and if you are expecting to do some heavy duty pulling (pun very much intended) then you might want to get in some Iron Crotch Power Practice.

UPDATE: Spirit Fingers is nominated the Best Asian Newcomer 2004 and Funniest Blog categories of the Asia Blog Awards (voting is only allowed once per day). Vote Spirit Fingers - supporting studs since forever.

Monday, December 6

HK tourism milestone

Calendarwatch update: What happens when you cross rippling man-flesh with a strategically placed football? The French Rugby calendar. Mon dieu, there won't be a dry panty left in the house tonight.

Yesterday Hong Kong welcomed its 20 millionth visitor in 2004 with a hessian wrapped bouquet of flowers. It was a very emotional moment for all concerned.

The winner is pictured in the middle, features contorted into an Edvard Munchian scream. Weakened from jet lag, she is powerless to stop her initial elation from morphing into horror as she realises what a load of crappy prizes she was won. A week-long Museum Pass which is worth only HK$30? Souvenirs from the Hong Kong Tourist Board that redefine tacky? Crystal junk in every sense of the word? It would be more rewarding being the 20 millionth person entering [insert skank of choice here].

Ms Wallerbosch clearly stated that her intention was to go shopping. With her one week itinerary she will just have sufficient time to fulfil her shopping wishlist, and the whole plan could go pear-shaped if she decides to make a day-trip to Shenzhen. So get your act together Hong Kong Tourism Board, cough up some spending vouchers for the lucky tourists and appoint a shopping ambassador like me! I can take new visitors on shopping sprees interspersed with high teas and the use of toilets at posh hotels. Plus I don't even need to be paid in cash, anything Chanel will do.

Now look closely at the winner's boyfriend. Condemned prisoners on death row have more optimism in their eyes. That is the look of a man who is resigned to spending an entire holiday as an extended shopping trip. My friend, those low couches in the boutiques where all the men congregate while waiting for their womenfolk to gather and try on multiple times, get used to them.

As for the HKTB representative, I don't know what to make of her. She looks high on something. Or maybe she was the person responsible for counting each visitor to determine the 20 millionth one. She's just deliriously happy that she can now finally go home, take that purple (with accents of gold and topaz) suit off and get some sleep.

Sunday, December 5

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 18

This year luxury brand Louis Vuitton celebrated 150 years of perpetuating the myth that style is something that can be bought. To commemorate this significant milestone, the Counterfeiters Association of Hong Kong released a special limited edition pair of pants:

If luxury isn't standing around in a supermarket in orthopaedic sandals while holding a plastic bag of marked-down lemons, then I don't know what is. You can't fake this sort of thing, you know.

Not to be undone, the Hong Kong Society of Knock-offs came out with a collector's edition handbag.

A striking design that manages to incorporate Louis Vuitton monogram as written in Sanskrit, snowflakes and three leaf clovers. A bag for all seasons and all cultures really, because as the customs officials will tell you, fake designer goods know no boundaries.

Fake is good for the budget fashion victim but nothing says "much better than good, much better than you actually" quite as much an authentic piece of Louis Vuitton leather.

Especially when it's carried by a little girl out shopping at the mall with her crocodile Hermes-toting mother. Especially especially when the said mother is wearing a skirt so short that we can almost see where the said little girl came from.