Friday, July 28

Dressing for the time poor

One morning as I was trying on my seventh outfit for work, I thought there has be a better way to do this. It really shouldn't take so much time to pick out an outfit but it does. I could channel that time into more productive matters, like reading up on how to throw handshadows on to a wall.

And I know there are plenty of women out there who face the same dilemma every morning (and who really want to learn how to throw handshadows as well). We're only female you know. We're not like men who can come to a swift decision about whether an ankle-length suit, lace stockings and diamond brooch works for a court appearance. After some brainstorming with my plush toys, I have compiled some time-saving tips for tackling the morning rush.

Behold the simple power of a belt. A belt dresses up everything to the nth degree so much so that it becomes feasible to go out in your dressing gown. All you need to do is brush your hair and walk in purposeful strides and nobody will report you to the police.

When the weather is miserable what jacket you wear becomes entirely irrelevant. People will be too moody to murmur superficial compliments about your designer-inspired trenchcoat. A heavy duty garbage bag easily goes with everything. You might even get someone to make a wisecrack about "taking out the trash" and get the whole office smiling again.

Once removing the clothes from the hanger, you'll find that storing the hanger in your hair instead of back in the closet is a real time-saver. Plus you've scored a darling new hair accessory that's less tacky than a plastic hair clip.

To achieve the sexy-just-rolled-out-of-bed look you must do just that, taking the sheets with you at the same time. If you have a little bit of spare time, you can bring your napkin-folding skills to the fore and create a human-sized serviette to do slow rolling motions in.

When in doubt, just take along the whole laundry rack. It saves having to figure out which of your clothes are still damp or are more wrinkled than all four Rolling Stones put together.

Finally I've figured out what these magic crystal garden kits are good for. You just need mix the magic crystals in with your morning ablutions. By time you reach work, hey presto you will be fully clothed!

Next update: Monday July 31

Wednesday, July 26

Thanks for the hand knitted g-string Grandma!

Things your grandmother might say when confronted with sexy crochet lingerie from

And when the war came, we didn't have enough to eat and we soon grew out of our clothes. What poor wretches we were, all skinny and scared looking and messy long hair! But even in these worst of times, we made damn sure we waxed regularly. We weren't savages you know.

I used to collect these, yes I did. Some of them even predate the notion of sexy underwear. One day it will all be yours.

I always say, nothing like a hard day of manual labour down at the pump factory to get you into hot bikini shape. Diet pills bah! Jazzercise feh! No carbs gah!

Oh now this is nice and homely. It works on just about anything. Listen close, child. That teapot cosy wasn't always a teapot cosy you know. Used it as a pair of crotchless panties before incontinence reared its ugly head.

Things were done much differently back when your grandfather was courting me. We weren't as outspoken with our emotions as you younguns are. This is how I let him know that I was keen to be plucked.

Back in the day, we didn't have photoshop. We had to trudge 50 miles in the freezing cold until you found a sheep farm and borrow some lanolin and some putty. And if they froze on the way home you had to thaw it all out on the stove, then rub the burning goo all over your body until it was real nice and smooth. The rest went on the camera lens and anything left over we used to make peanut butter sandwiches. Then you clenched your cheeks together and held them until you heard the camera bulb explode then you knew it was time to pick out the glass shards from your bare ass.

Next update: Friday July 28

Monday, July 24

Celebrity tabloid apologies

Last week we ran an article (with the headline "J-Lo's pregnancy glow") wherein we boldly declared without any shred of evidence that Jennifer Lopez was pregnant with twins that were most probably fathered by one of her ex-husbands or Macaulay Culkin. The story went on to state "Lopez, 37, dropped thousands on baby clothing at a posh baby boutique while her zombielike husband shuffled behind her silently". We apologise for not getting Ms Lopez's age right and would like to clarify that at the date of publication, she is only 34, and has always been 34 for the past three years.

In last month's news about upcoming movie projects, we reported an unfounded rumour that Keira Knightley was in talks to play glamour model Jordan in her big screen biopic. Contrary to what the tone of our article might have suggested, we now accept that Ms Knightley would be the perfect choice for this role once you consider the miracles that special effects and latex prosthetics can achieve these days. We apologise for any hurt and distress caused by our initial disbelief and look forward to being wowed by the power of CGI.

This morning when posting a poor review for the new "Miami Vice" movie on our website, we mistakenly ran an accompanying picture of a Monchhichi doll instead of actor Colin Farrell who is one of the movie's stars. We apologise to the creators of Monchhichi for any deep distress and acute embarrassment caused but can't promise that it won't happen again the future

Yesterday our front page headline read "George Caught Cruising for Sex!". The article that followed made reference to George Michael's search for male sexual partners in public places. It has come to our attention, through a strongly worded legal notice, that by repeatedly using the word "cruise" and all its derivatives in our article to denote unnatural acts, we have cast aspersions on Tom Cruise's family name. Mr Cruise is only familiar with heterosexual intercourse and indeed fathered a baby daughter with his FEMALE partner Katie Holmes through this method. We retract all our statements in this regard and apologise profusely, grovelling on our knees, for having caused any non-heterosexual connotations through this regrettable choice of words. We have also agreed to pay an undisclosed sum to the religion of Mr Cruise's choice and to stop questioning the existence of Suri Cruise.

Our April issue contained a feature titled "How to stay young by wearing a red string bracelet" which had a 10 page photospread of ageless beauty Madonna. Due to an oversight in the production process, some of the pictures were not photoshopped extensively enough. We apologise unreservedly for failing to effectively perpetuate the myth of eternal youth through Kabbalah and alarming readers who are unaccustomed to seeing Madonna in her natural state.

On Monday we ran a gossip item about Jessica Simpson and her six point plan for peace in the Middle East. In it we referred to Ms Simpson as "a recently divorced singer and actress". We apologise for falsely implying that Ms Simpson had any acting ability whatsoever and think that calling her a "singer" might be pushing it slightly as well.

We would like to alert our readers to a misprint in last weekend's story about Naomi Campbell's latest infraction with the law. In our haste to break the news we alleged that Ms Campbell had "anger management issues" and was "a tad unhinged". We acknowledge that these allegations were substantially watered down. What we really wanted to say was that she is one crazy screwed up b*tch who needs to be locked away and we apologise for not having the balls to say so in the first place.

Next update: Wednesday 26 July