Makeup

I sincerely hope, from the bottom of my heart, that none of you went out last night looking like this:



And that when you woke up this morning you all looked at least slightly better than this:



Makeup. You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

Xmas freakshow

Yay! Only one more day to go! Do you think 11.30 in the morning is too early to leave for drinks? Anyway, what is it about this time of the year that causes Hong Kong to turn into a veritable freakshow?



Perhaps it is meant to be educational, like a simulated demonstration of Van der Waals forces. Or perhaps it's a marketing ploy to bring the hula hoop craze back into every household and around the waist of every rotund child. Whatever it is, who is the official costume supplier to professional hula hoopists and why is this person still in business? Because this silvery-white crushed velvet jumpsuit is really an ice-skating outfit gone mouldy. The only thing it's good for is generating enough static to power the surrounding light display.



A man and his high-performance MAC eyeshadow know no boundaries. I didn't even know there was a ready market for mirrored panel knickerbockers. I think he's slightly stressed about being kitted out as human disco ball just in case the fickle crowd gets bored, decides to suspend him from the ceiling and position strobelights strategically around him.



Mmmm giant honeycomb statue in the image of a bearded Homer Simpson. Sadly, I didn't wake in a cold sweat to realise it was all part of a dream where I was trapped in a bad Simpsons episode. It's all very real so why not come on down and give a power fist salute to Hong Kong's tallest Santa. Oh, and Merry Xmas everybody!

Blog of the day: Beautiful Atrocities is nominated in the Best Foreign Blog category of the Asia Blog Awards (voting is allowed once per day in each category).

Yes Virginia

Dear Spirit Fingers
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in the Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O'Hanlon

Aren't you a little young to be succumbing to peer pressure or to be reading a British tabloid? Well at least you're past the stage of being scared by Santa Claus.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He is a real life person with all the attendant basic needs of an adult.

Did you know, Virginia, that Santa's favourite show is Baywatch. It's been voted the worst TV import from the US of all time but there's something about watching CJ or Neely or Summer or anyone really running on the beach in a red swimsuit evocative of the bountiful Xmas season that warms the cockles of Santa's heart. One of his favourite holiday games is playing "Ooh I've been naughty this year" with ex-Baywatcher Traci Bingham.



Ever since Santa discovered Baywatch, living at the Santa Mansion has never been more fun. The toy workshop has been bulldozed away to make room for an indoor heated swimming pool which is regularly patrolled by Santa's personal team of lifeguards.



An invitation to the famously wild pool parties at the Santa Mansion is one of the hardest things to score this side of the Arctic. Still, it sure beats trying to force the reindeer to play games involving rope, a leather studded mask and a ball gag.



What of the toys, you ask (being a prime example of your selfish self-interested generation)? Well it's just too expensive to make things inhouse nowadays. In order to remain internationally competitive, Santa relocated his toy manufacturing base to Guangdong. And those teamster elves have been replaced by nubile nymphs who don't raise questions about minimum wage and occupational health and safety. Just the way Santa likes it.



But doesn't Mrs Claus mind Santa being surrounded by strumpetry all day long? You see, Virginia, the Clauses have what adults often call an "open marriage". He doesn't ask about the toned, muscular poolboy with model looks and she doesn't ask about the well-endowed blonde with 3 children of doubtful parentage. It's the women, not the children that put a ruddy glow in Santa's cheeks and a twinkle in his eye.



Now you realise that when Santa says Ho Ho Ho he's speaking in rap parlance cuz he's a major playa who's down with it. So in summary there is a Santa Claus and as long as his blood test results continue to come back clear, he will live for many years to come.

Do I need a jacket?

Thanks for your emails, I have managed to read some of them but will have to to reply them from my other email account. I shall try and stop with the woe is me crap and talk about something exciting which I did today, which is nothing really unless you count the purchase of 2 new lipsticks as wow, just wow. The first was a shade which I already have in 5 other lipsticks. The second was a vibrant purplish shade with pink overtones called "violet fusion" but in my opinion would have been better described as "swollen member". Ah lipsticks of soft creamy consistency and glossy finish. The shallow female's panacea.

Normally I would be sharing this bit of retail therapy with my friends but most of them have left for their holidays by now. One of the most frequently asked questions (after "how much cigarettes and alcohol can I bring back into the country?") by travellers is what clothes should I pack? It is tempting to pack superfluous items like an extra extra pair of jeans, several pairs of shoes, handbags to match the shoes, and a ballgown in case you meet a member of royalty travelling incognito who invites you to a gala event. But really, once the underwear situation has been sorted out, all you need to know is Do I Need a Jacket?. No need to deal with fiddly celsius/fahrenheit conversions and trying to make sense of the minimum and maximum temperatures.
New York
Yes. Why? Because: it's cold.
London
Yes. Why? Because: it's not very warm out.
Paris
Yes. Why? Because: it's misty, it's raining - albeit lightly, it's cold.
Kiruna Airport, Sweden
Yes. Why? Because: it's really snowing. it's frickin' FREEZING! it's windy.
Their information about Asian cities is quite scarce but I did manage to get a result for Hong Kong
No.
The winters here are generally mild compared to most of North America or Europe but I still think you need a jacket unless you have the natural insulation of a king walrus with whiskers to match. In any event you'll need a jacket for going inside. Why? Because: the airconditioning in most shopping centres, office buildings and on public transport is sub-arctic frickin' freezing ass cold.

So sorry

So so so sorry to sound like a drama queen but I've asked Simon to remove me in the Best Newcomer category in the Asia Blog Awards. As much as I like the thrill of a tight race, I don't like receiving spam and nasty emails from strangers purporting to be competitors' supporters. I have neither the time or inclination to deliver Shannen Doherty-style smackdowns here and there and I also want to enjoy my holidays without any hassle. It's not as if there's a Valentino couture gown up for grabs. So congrats you people, you can stop now because you've won but I don't know what you've won except perhaps Time Magazine's Wanker of the Year.

I also want to say that just because I like shopping & fashion and my blog isn't about politics, science or highbrow stuff, it doesn't mean that it's less worthy or that it reflects that I have less edukashun. Most of what said here is in jest and if someone takes it seriously, then they probably need the edukashun more than I do. Whatever.

The worst thing is that I feel like a total copout because I've wasted all the votes of the lovely people who took the effort to vote for me. So if you're in Hong Kong or passing through, please let me know and I'll take you out for tea or a makeover or something.

You can still vote for me in the Funniest Blog category (but who doesn't have better things to do) - I'm staying in there because it would be no dishonour to lose to anyone in that category. But whatever you do, keep reading ok?

On a lighter note, I'll just have to settle with thinking in my own mind, that alongside with Lindsay Lohan, I coulda been a Breakout Star of 2004.

Sale season

Or why it sucks to be a mannequin in Hong Kong.

Can you feel it? Can you hear it? Can you smell it? The scent of pre-sale season has been replaced by sale season in the air. If aliens landed in their spaceship in the middle of a shopping mall, they'd be confronted with the sight of seething women-beasts ravaging the shelves, leaving half-priced knit tops cosmetic-streaked and mutilated in their wake. Then they'd hightail it out of there as fast as possible and we wouldn't need the likes of Will Smith or other generic action hero to save us.

Not that Hong Kong needs any reason for a sale but you can pick up some very good bargains at this time of the year.



This must be where Bobby Trendy shops at when he's feeling flamboyant. Actually this photo was taken at the last summer sales but I wouldn't be surprised if it's been taken out of the storeroom for another sales blitz attempt. The top is marked down to HK$209 and the pants are an unbelievably low HK$435. No price on the matching choker.

It's a real little bobby dazzler for the incredible level of detail you're getting:



The gauzy scarf adds a touch of whimsy like frosting on a cake made entirely out of frosting. And don't forget the pants too. This is definitely no kindergarten art project we're talking about here:



I like how there's enough embroidery to please a floral jeans aficionado but it doesn't overwhelm the entire length of the pants because nothing screams TACKY! like fully embroidered jeans. Overall, a combination that never goes out of style for tricksy Irish faeries. You'll get lots of wear out of it, especially if you attend parties where the theme is Peter Pan All Grown Up, Out And Starring In A Las Vegas Revue.

Rejected Muppets

Taaaaaall boots! Everyone's wearing them from chi-chista Maggie Cheung to this nonplussed puppy. However there's an alarming incidence of designer boots on sale this winter that look like the rejected creations of Jim Henson. Who better to review these boots then the geriatric balcony snarkers of the Muppet Show, Statler and Waldorf.



STATLER: Bring it on!
WALDORF: Oh, it's been brought.

Bally

STATLER: Not so much a rejected muppet as a casualty in Watership Down.
WALDORF: Why is it staring at me? I'm scared. Hold me.
STATLER: For god's sake, we're not Bert and Ernie.
WALDORF: It's just put me a whole footstep closer to death's door.
STATLER: Lucky you. You might not get to review the rest of these things.
WALDORF: I'd laugh but that would suggest I found that funny.

Michael Kors

STATLER: The more I look, the more it doesn't get any better.
WALDORF: Uh oh, looks like somebody stole the pig's crimping iron again.
STATLER: Crimping and crepe soles, the tools of the devil indeed.
WALDORF: I remember it tried out for the Electric Mayhem Band.
STATLER: I'm surprised Animal didn't try and hump it to death.
WALDORF: Which is exactly what happened.


STATLER: Oh sweet baby Jesus, what the hell is that? I think I just peed my pants. Full bowel leakage too.
WALDORF: Thank god for Depends undergarments and my non-existent sense of smell.
STATLER: Since when was there ever a Yeti on the show anyway?
WALDORF: Abominable snowman.
STATLER: My sentiments exactly.
WALDORF: Do you think they will let me take it home? It'll go nicely with my mirrored ceilings.

Spirit Fingers is nominated the Best Asian Newcomer 2004 and Funniest Blog categories of the Asia Blog Awards (voting is allowed once per day in each category). Spirit Fingers has pretty much squandered the lead on cheap shoes and even cheaper liquor. So if you want to vote for a mediocre blog that offers little in the way of quality, then go right ahead and vote for SPIRIT FINGERS!

Miss Artificial Beauty

Congratulations random chick with cheekbones that could carve an ice sculpture in the shape of a swan family for winning the first Miss Artificial Beauty pageant! Although Ms Feng wants to train to become a plastic surgeon, I foresee a long and fulfilling career in entertainment industry for her.


Are those breasts real? Oh silly me, what was I thinking, of course not!


I'm 62 years old which makes me 22 in Cher years.

I'm particularly impressed at the way in which the pageant organisers worked so hard to give the contest an air of credibility. You just can't argue against the final decision when it's been deliberated upon by a hand-picked panel of international experts.



Together again on your computer screen! There should be a law against having more than 2 freaks in the same photo.

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 20

Psst lady...I think there's a rather large rip in your pants. Now everyone knows you wear a long leg panty girdle with a dowdy floral pattern. What to do? There's just no way in the world you can pass it off as part of the design of the pants. Maybe if you tear open the other side as well it would look like less of an unfortunate accident and more of a self-referential "see my pants were caught on a nail and I'm poking fun of myself haha" fashion moment.



Psst lady...I think you forgot to wear your pants. You know, a garment extending from the waist to the ankle, covering each leg separately. Or a skirt, another type of garment that hangs from the waist down. You also seem to be missing the back of your shoes because I can see the pain that your feet are going through but that's secondary to the pain of embarrassment I'm currently feeling for you. Or perhaps you woke up this morning in an unfamiliar bed with a stranger sleeping next to you and you were also late for work so you dashed out of there as fast as possible with whatever you could find in the crumpled heap of clothes on the floor.

No, still don't know what I'm talking about? Well call me a prude but I just don't think colleagues should be allowed to see one's knees let alone the entirety of both legs. You know what, just forget about it. I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time. Carry on as you are, I wouldn't want you be late on your first day of work at the Gentleman's Club.





Psst ladies...why do these words appear on the back of your pants? Surely it would be more appropriate for them to appear on the front.