Saturday, February 11

When you love your woman more than your stonewash jeans

Male dolls are so whipped. Why should Ken have to change for Barbie. Why can't Barbie change for him? I don't see her getting any younger. She could certainly use a routine nip and tuck, a little collagen to make those lips more Jolie-ish and bigger breasts. Who doesn't need bigger breasts?

I can just see it now. It all started with an internal memo at Mattel with the subject heading "Degaying Ken". But don't you think that this sort of drastic change should have included a public consultation stage? Instead Mattel has chosen to employ the services of a celebrity stylist simply because he is used to dressing up plastic looking figures on a daily basis.

First there is beach fun Ken whose shiny board shorts are surpassed by the shininess of his hair. Easy on the Pantene Pro-V there dude! You can really tell that he's out of his element because of the way he stands there, with his mobile phone at his feet. Pockets, Ken, talk to your seamstress about getting them sewn in. Beach fun Ken is trying to matchup to Blaine, the Aussie surfer hunk, who Barbie unceremoniously dumped him for. That's right, in Australia 90% of the men are called either Blaine and Brock. The rest are simply referred to as Thorne. Admittedly Ken's new look is better than his initial ill-advised attempt to "dress up" for the surf and sand as if he were an extra in an only-for-Japan Fanta commercial.

The second model is finely chiselled Ken, who seems to be styled like a reject from Rockstar: Inxs, so maybe his job involves auditioning for reality shows. As part of his makeover Ken agreed to adopt this more laidback career path after Barbie complained he was spending too much at work. His previous job entailed being a weak-chinned company man who got ready for work each morning by unpinning his high-powered accoutrements from a memoboard and dashing out the door to catch the carpool.

You have to feel a degree of awe and pity for a man who will change his clothes, job, facial definition and sexual orientation for one woman. Well I wish Ken best of luck because the path to winning true love is never an easy one. As far as stiff men go, he's still got plenty of competition.

Thursday, February 9

Kiss the V-girls

The V-girls ( have landed in Hong Kong, just in time for Valentine's Day! A mere investment of HK$38 a month gives 60 minutes of playtime to indulge your basest geek fantasies. It sounds more affordable than paying for a hottie you met on Myspace to fly over and crash with you only to find that she is your grandmother, no? But first let's get all the niggly fine print out of the way.

What a crushing blow to the very testicles of geekdom. Doesn't seem worth the time or money after all, does it? Conversation, companionship, commitment...bah! That's what puppies and kittens and bunnies are for! How can any healthy virtual relationship progress without some one-handed typing? More importantly, how is this business model going to compete with the seedy massage parlours offering buy 1 happy ending get 1 free?

Having laid the groundrules, it is clear, however, that some form of intimacy is allowed. "Helping" her to bathe has just got be a euphemism for something dirty rather than cleansing just as "helping" her to shop indirectly means being her cash mule.

Or maybe the reason why they can't have intercourse with you is because they prefer the company of each other. They're e-lesbians armed with suntan oil and camcorders! And I don't think anyone would mind paying to watch that.

It is inevitable that the day will come when men find human females so abhorrent that they will replace us with their artificial Stepford-like creations. Until then, they will just have to make do with a Tamagotchi that has grown breasts and requires assisted bubble baths.

Another blog to visit: blah- boring the web since 2002

Wednesday, February 8

Snippets from Tom Ford's inbox

Make sure you come straight from filming PoTC2. I want to smell the heady mix of Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp manscent on you. It's the only thing that gets me through this goddamn farce.

Hi Tom,
Is it ok if Woody (Allen) came along on the day? He just wants to watch and get some ideas....for his next movie that is. I've been practising for the shoot by looking at some of his old photos of Soonyi. Looking forward to it!

Love the cover! I look so sexy! I'm on the cover! Reese isn't! Suck on that! Check out the size of those thighs on Scarlett. They should have called this the Vanity FAT issue. Hee!

Dear Tom
I'm really sorry for running out on you like that. I was just so scared. Nobody warned me about the whole thing. I had no idea that Scarlett's breasts were so terrifyingly huge. Hope we can still work together in the future.

I don't think so. You acted very unprofessionally even though I tried my best to get you comfortable by making the setup as tasteful as possible. Any other actress in your position would have jumped at the chance to massage Scarlett's breasts with their mouth while having their buttocks fondled by Keira.
Not impressed

Hey Tom
I would like to take home a couple of things used in the VF shoot. Their names are Kassandra, Valencia and Tatiana. Rest assured I won't be needing the more valuable stuff like their designer underwear.
George C.

Dear Mr Ford,
Please excuse Dakota Fanning from this nude photoshoot. She is not yet 14 years old.
Mr and Mrs Fanning

From one Tom to another
As one of your biggest fans, I was so excited to hear about this new creative project of yours. However, as one of the top money-making stars of Hollywood, I must confess that I don't "get" the resulting cover. How could anyone think that a gay guy, a thin chick and a curvy chick is representative of Hollywood today?

Tuesday, February 7

It's the gift that counts

Having Valentine's Day so soon after Christmas was just sloppy planning on the part of the God of Festival Scheduling. Surely he could have foreseen what a compressed timeframe guys have to work with. There's barely enough time for them to save the tens of thousands of dollars for another modest gift from the heart. They're also still burnt out from the ordeal of having to come up with the bestest Xmas present ever.

No wonder so many people resort to the traditional flowers and chocolates. Boring but safe enough to prevent your gonads from being ripped off. All she wants is what her colleague sitting beside her is getting, but noticeably bigger and delivered with more fanfare.

However there are also some special things you can do that will increase the chances of her putting out.

Try using a different colour in your rose bouquet other than red. For example, coral and orange roses, mean "desire". You'll have your lady love's headgear off in no time!

Combine her favourite type of chocolate with her celebrity crush. One popular selection is the Brad Pitt bar, made of exceptionally dense chocolate, but nonetheless a vast improvement on the live version. In this mouthwatering confection you will also find the complete range of facial expressions used in "Meet Joe Black".

On the flip side of the coin, it is a relative cinch to buy romantic gifts for men. They also like things that are big and flashy, but are less likely to wither after a few days. This year our job has been made much easier with the release of the world's largest plasma tv.

What could possibly be that good that it would need 103 inches of screen coverage? Well there's the upcoming Winter Olympics, the widescreen extended director's cut collector edition of "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" and I hear that after 5000 episodes, one of the storylines on The Bold and the Beautiful might be starting to move forward. And of course, there's always the sports.

Another blog to visit: Bohemian Philosophy - unconventional life and all.

Monday, February 6

You Like, You Buy Vol 40

Oh I don't shop at chain stores...I prefer to pick up original pieces that I find at quirky little boutiques favoured by those in the know...
If someone said this to me, I would automatically assume (right after rolling my eyes so far back my eyeballs would smack with an audible thump against the back of my head) that they spent their weekends picking the racks clean at Miniztore (

Upon first impression Miniztore sounds very exclusive. It is located outside of a shopping mall and assures us that "We're selling Japan/Europe Fashion. They are all have limited amount." And I can certainly see why.

As a novelty tote bag, it's actually almost endearing apart from the tails which were a real dealbreaker for me. You've got the thin cat who's too ashamed to show its face and the fat cat who's putting up its arms in mock surrender. Okay you're right, I find this as bewildering as you and yes I do seem to have an iPod mini attached to my chest.

But the clothes...sweet lord the clothes...I swear to god cross my heart that I have never seen anything like that anywhere else on earth. Are we to believe that these came from either Japan or Europe? If so, the situation over there is more dire than I imagined.

What a visual melee this coat is. It represents the burst and bleeding retinas of each person who has ever laid eyes on it.

Perhaps this would be more suited to you - you being the magician-clown who is required to gesture "Voila", then suavely pull out fancy bits of linked fabric out of your sleeves except that those bits are actually your sleeves and they don't budge no matter how hard you tug and tug. Well at least you can take the jacket off when you're indoors and conveniently forget it, unlike a skirt (please, I don't go to the same sort of parties as you lot do).

Who could have done this to a skirt other than a creatively frustrated child wearing a blindfold? Granted, the multi-coloured pleats seem to form some kind of logical pattern but there's something so incongruous happening with the lace I can only postulate that's some Brownian motion happening there.

Unless this is your family crest, you have no business wearing it emblazoned on your skirt. Even then it belongs on a shield proudly displayed in the den beside hunting trophies and pictures of big boats.

Frankly the stitching on this blouse frightens me. If Jocelyn Wildenstein was a blouse, this is what she would look like.

That is way too many colours to be used on one top. That is also way too many condoms to be used on a normal item of clothing. It must be an orgy top, one that is worn when filming "Basic Instinct 2". Ms Stone, if you don't put this on, we won't be able to get an R rating.

Another blog to visit: OrdinaryGweilo - Everyday Life in Hong Kong from the perspective of a Brit living in the New Territories. It's not big and it's not clever, but we don't care.