Saturday, February 4

Vote me some pants

As far as rock star progeny go, Kimberly Stewart is disappointingly underwhelming. In a town where everyone is in possession of highly pronounced sternum and straggly blonde hair, and can tell a story of how they were at one time engaged for all of 5 minutes, it is difficult for her to stand out. Looking 20 years older than most of her father's lovers doesn't help either. This is probably because when you have as many children as Rod Stewart has, some are bound to fall by the way side.

Even so, she has still been considered important enough to the subject of an internet poll. One where the options aren't "Man?", "Woman?" or "Hermaphrodite?". Instead we have been tasked with the challenge of helping to select her Grammy gown.

The problem is, none of them are long enough to be considered "gowns". Gowns by their very definition should be longer than an A4 page.

To rectify this, I've selected some pants for you to vote upon.

Harem jeans

After you put her hair up in a ponytail and have a few too many drinks, Kimberly could arguably pass for a low-rent I Dream of Jeannie in a tv show nobody would ever watch. Denim is generally ok to wear on the red carpet nowadays if you are completely ancillary to the proceedings. These jeans also have that distressed look which so many of the cashed up youths covet and are willing to let their celebrity parents pay a premium for.

Disco gauchos

Gauchos are another thing that people of a certain age and naivety are keenly sporting nowadays. This particular style produces cameltoe but in a very flattering and feminine shade. The diamond also acts as an all seeing eye for Kimberly's crotch to scope out its next meal. It has a taste for guys who are semi-famous but slightly less so than her.

"Savvy" leggings is marketing this as savvy. Is it because they transform you into a skilful urchin who can weave adroitly through a busy crowd, lifting wallets and jewellery? What about the shoes? Are they are also street smart in the ways of cracked pavements? Something tells me this knickerbocker-legging combo is about as savvy as a Kimberly Stewart-Paris Hilton pairing with the added bonus of Tara Reid lurking in the background.

Thursday, February 2

Managing your risk exposure

Well that's gone and done it! How many times have I screamed at the neighbours, don't be smuggling chickens willy nilly across the border like that. Oh but it's a fair trade, they say, the mainland Chinese are getting counterfeit Memoirs of a Geisha DVDs in return. Yes well, I don't see how the threat of a rapidly mutating and deadly H5N1 virus can compare to the horrors of grainy image quality and poor sound.

OK deep need to panic...everything will be fine once you take the necessary precautions.

It's really not as bad as it looks. The green gauze acts as a filter between your cavities and the virus emanating from a sick bird. The sleeves and pockets are filled with soap & water so that your hands are constantly in a state of thorough ablution. The orange waistband sort of holds it all together like a red string in the Kabbalah universe.

In crowded quarters, a heavy-duty mask is advisable. And no, I don't think wearing this particular style is labouring the point at all. Neither is making a clucking noise at someone who is exhibiting questionable hygiene.

Diseased birds have a bad habit of crapping on your head, right before they lose the will to live and plummet to the ground below, using your head as a handy x-marker. You need to hedge against both these possibilities and as the old saying goes, two hats are better than one.

Ultimately the key lies in how well you manage your risk exposure. Everytime you step out unprotected, you are practically inviting a chicken to come and flap its feathery wings of pestilence in your face. In these trying times, there's no such thing as being too safe.

Another blog to visit: SF Civic Center - San Francisco as seen through the Civic Center neighborhood: its politics, arts and characters.

Wednesday, February 1

Under the interrogation lamp

Questions asked during a police interview attended by Kate Moss

Is that you pictured on the cover of the Daily Mirror blowing rails of coke?

Where did you get those stylish boots?

What would you wear if you knew you were being photographed?

Which fashion photographer would you have chosen to perfectly capture your cocaine addiction?

Two words. Pete Doherty. Please explain.

Is there any truth to the rumour that you and Sadie and Jude used to have soakingly debauched threesomes?

Did you make any videos of that and if so, where are they?

Is it also true that you and Lindsay Lohan recently performed a raunchy pole dance at a strip club?

Is there a video of that available?

How have you managed to stay so close to Naomi Campbell for all these years without being physically hurt?

Can you autograph all these copies of Vanity Fair magazine for us?

In your opinion, which is the hippest, coolest rehab clinic to be seen checking into?

Apart from the cocaine, do you have any other dieting tips to share?

The next time you see Sienna Miller, can you deliver her the smackdown that she deserves?

How much longer will skinny jeans stay in fashion?

Another site to visit: Sococo - socially conscious companion

Tuesday, January 31

State of the Fashion Union

I sense many deep-seated concerns over at the State of the Fashion Union blogging carnival. Not so sound overly complacent, but I'd like to reassure everyone that everything in this part of the world is just fine and dandy. We are largely united in our preference for European brands over local brands and sparkly jeans with bits of lace hanging of them like the last stubborn vestiges toilet paper clinging to its cardboard roll. We are also pleased to have the opportunity to look at the fashion mistakes made by our our cousins in West and replicate them in an ever more dramatic way.

Just because bad fashion isn't visually friendly doesn't mean one should downplay its significance. Indeed I owe a great deal to it. Were it not for my dad's ultra-groovy paisley-patterned flares catching my mum's eye across the packed disco floor, I would not be here today. It also helps me remember my colleagues' names - Anne, mother of three, is the one who owns a few too many crushed velour baby doll dresses while Deborah is perpetually jaundiced due to her yellow eyeshadow and blonde highlights.

Usually the people who dress badly have paid dearly for the privilege to do so, thus providing you with another injustice to rail against - that of people who have all this money but don't know what to do with it. Instead of walking into the first nice boutique they come across, like Julia Roberts does in "Pretty Woman", they make a wrong turn and end up at somewhere like Versace.

The prevalence of bad fashion also offers up an explanation for the sorry state of global affairs. If so many people's thought processes are incapable of putting together a simple outfit that does not involve the colours green and purple, then how can we hope to cure the many ills that plague the world today. We might as well let children run the world.

No matter what season, bad fashion will continue to happen around you or to you, if you dress like you're trying to upstage Bjork. As long as there exist "designers" with a rock music/thespian/trust fund background and "actresses" who have more stylists than acting credits, it will also strike the red carpet and the runway with awesome ferocity.

This blog salutes the people who make atrocious fashion knowing that people will buy it, the people who buy it and most importantly the people who decide to wear it outdoors. Whether or not you like it, we are all in this together.