And then a hero comes along

Potential disasters averted through the timely intervention of Tom Cruise

One day while Tom was making his daily rounds through suburbia in search of ordinary folk to rescue, he came upon Dave, a harried office worker who had just missed his car pool. Tom was about to offer Dave a lift in his Bugatti Veyron but decided to do one better. By running really fast like he does in his action movies, Tom managed to spin the world backward, reversing time and thereby allowing Dave to catch his usual ride.

Some of Tom's lucky rescuees have never even met him before. For example, Fiona posted a desperate plea on an internet forum for help with her term paper which was due the following day. Masked behind the username OTVII, Tom graciously offered to share his vast technical knowledge on the topic area. Through the power of instant messaging, Tom was able to help Fiona produce a stellar piece of academic work titled the "History of Psychiatry".

Janet had just come out of a bitter breakup with her ex-boyfriend and wanted to make some big changes in her life. In fact, she wasn't even sure whether she liked men anymore. Intent on exploring her sexual identity, she rocked up to the nearest lesbian bar to find Tom Cruise barring the doorway. Fortunately for Janet, Tom whisked her away for a romantic evening of sushi on his private jet, champagne in Paris and a luxurious rose petal bath. The experience convinced her not to stray off the path of heterosexuality and she went to successfully marry a man and have his babies.

While filming Mission Impossible: 3 in China, Tom's people were approached by the village mayor of an impoverished rural area. The mayor was seeking donations to fund the economic and educational development of the province. In an incredible display of generosity, Tom bought each household a sonogram machine so that the villagers could check up on their unborn children in the comfort of their own homes.

Tom saved a deer fawn's life when he was vacationing in Africa. He was travelling through the Serengeti wilderness and noticed a cheetah in fierce pursuit of a young buck. There was not enough time to jump into the fray so Tom let out his trademark manic laugh. It freaked the cheetah into thinking that some psycho hyena was on its tail, allowing the deer to scamper away into safety.

An elderly couple were stranded on a highway recently when their car somehow sensed that Tom was in vicinity and promptly broke down. After pulling over and shouting "Here I come to save the day!", Tom quickly leapt into action to fix the problem. By the time the roadside technician arrived, Tom had sold the couple a used car and sent them on their way.



Next update: Monday September 4

The beginning of the end

I tell ya, it's not right what they're doing to Japan. The country has more than enough teenybopper idols of its own to worry about faded popstars from the West. And yet the Tokyo subway has been turned into an underground shrine to naked Britney. I don't know how they're planning to sway commuters with this latest piece of in-your-face advertising. After all Britney doesn't have much in common with the average Japanese woman apart from:

1. Dark hair
2. Their husbands can't rap



Possibly overcome by a newfound respect for Britney after she refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant stomach, the authorities backed down on their demands for censorship. Korea would never have let that happen. They would have kept her clothed at all times even if it meant defiling their national costume.


That's not to say that the Japanese national costume hasn't been despoiled already. That honour has been reserved for Paris Hilton who manages to make it look like post-coital origami folded by her man-hands.


To Paris, Japan is more than a place where she can successfully market substandard handbags and jewellery. It has become her island of Moreau Horrors where she's been given full reign to design people.


I fear that this is the beginning of the end of Japanese culture. From here on the dross of Western pop culture will usurp itself upon Japan, making the population forget about the simple pleasures of green tea, cherry blossom picnics and violent anime. This sort of thing can't be good for the children.


Next update: Friday 1 September

My recollection may not be entirely accurate

Oh the tyranny of long-haul flights. This is what becomes of not having friends who can "send for you" in a liveried private jet. Nevertheless I did thoroughly enjoy myself in Sydney. In fact you could say I had a swinging good time.



As forecasted, there was a slight chill in the air which meant that we all had to wear arm-warmers with our string bikinis.


One day it even rained but that did not stop me from parading down the impossibly trendy Oxford Street like a well-heeled local. People often appreciate it when you show them what's under those trenchcoats.


When I wandered into David Jones the city's most exclusive department store, I knew that the afternoon would be well-spent. And spend I did, leaving not only my wallet considerably lighter but my head several kilos heavier, my shoulders bared and static clinging tighter to my crotchlines than Tara Reid to vodka-soaked D-list celebrity status.



But nighttimes were the most fun of all. Sure getting into exclusive nightspots required a lot of stylishness but once you knew how to wield a riding crop with aplomb, they usually waved you through.



Next update: Thursday August 31