Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 4

Every now and then you come across a t-shirt that tries to create a clever optical illusion but ends up looking idiotic. Like this one which looks as if the t shirt wearer has also draped a tartan scarf around her shoulders. Who would walk around in t-shirt weather wearing a tartan scarf? Dr Who, that's who. If that isn't enough the word "Goodbye" is printed on the back of the t-shirt as well. Well goodbye to you too, and don't let the door hit your unfashionable self on the way out.



I thought I had seen the last of that ridiculous t-shirt when it resurfaced like the contents of a dodgy seafood buffet. After I had gotten over the shock that they actually managed to sell another one of these t-shirts, I noticed that there was something else around her neck. OK, very confused now. If you have the fake scarf why do you need the real scarf for? If you want to wear the real scarf, then what's the point of the fake scarf? Is it to outscarf another person who you meet wearing the same t shirt or same scarf. Is outscarf even a real word? It must be part of some angst-ridden teen fashion statement.

The catwalk is a lonely place

There used to be an entertaining blog called Supermodels are Lonelier than You Think but it is now on hiatus. When you think about it, being a model can get lonely because you spend all day working with people who see you as a commodity, you're paid to pout, not to talk and model agency executives only ask you to come home with them if you are a minor. Naomi might invite you to her cocaine binge & whipping gatherings but none of the guests will be in any state to remember you the next morning. It's no wonder models put up such risque personal ads.

Underneath all the glamour, a model is just like any ordinary girl seeking a bit of dance, chance and romance. In theory the genetically perfect seek each other out but in practice, supermodels often hook up with ordinary looking and even downright ugly men. One early pioneer in this respect is Paulina Porizkova, a Czech supermodel of the 1980s (also the face of Estee Lauder) who married Ric Ocasek from the rock band, the Cars. Not many people know his name so when they see his picture, they just call him the ugly guy. I am pleased to report that Paulina and Ric are still together, which is a monumental achievement in showbusiness and they have 2 children who actually look normal.

Paulina's successor at Estee Lauder, Liz Hurley, allowed herself to be impregnated by a fearsome beast called Steve Bing. Unfortunately, their son appears to have inherited all the Steve's looks, making Steve look like an idiot for demanding a paternity test. If only the baby had come out looking like Hugh Grant.

For many years, the male fantasy that is Heidi Klum was married to the very unfantastic Ric Pipino. He's a hairdresser who spends so much time caring for other people's hair that he has no time to fix his own. Heidi then moved on to Flavio Briatore whose toadishness also won over Naomi Campbell. Although Flavio is over 50 years old and it squicks me out to type this, his sperm was strong enough to result in a baby daughter for them. Heidi has since hooked up with Seal (damn you lupus for scarring the man's face) who is the first decent-looking guy in her life but her contract with Victoria's Secret does not allow her to marry him because this would "alter her image" - this way all the ugly guys can continue to think that they have a chance with her. Remember, this is a company which also regarded Heidi's post-pregnant form as "image hurting".

Brazil's greatest export Gisele Bundchen is still with Leonardo Di Caprio. You may not think that he is in the ugly camp but have you seen him lately? Jack Dawson has been rotting under the sea for a while now and as you can see the bloat has settled in quite comfortably.

All of the examples I have cited above should give hope to William Hung. It is no coincidence that William Hung looks like an Ugly Doll. He may appear unaffected by all his sexy backup dancers bumping and grinding against him during his performances (if you can call them that) but they're not in the same league as former swimsuit model Niki Taylor. As you can see, young William is quite taken with Niki and he's thinking that she's the sort of girl that you could take home to meet Mrs Hung.

However I forgot to mention that all the ugly guys who hook up with models are very rich. As in caviar guzzling-private jet-own an island rich. William is not quite there yet but this is where you can contribute by buying lots of his CDs and paying good money to watch him sing. In doing so you can help a supermodel alleviate her loneliness and an ugly guy get lucky.

Pets and Candy

Okashi Land is a chain of stores in Hong Kong where you can buy Japanese candy with random Pokemon-sounding names Meltykiss, Xylish and Collon. Each store is so colourful and packed to the ceiling with a mind-boggling array of junk food that when you go in, you tend to buy the first thing you see and hurry away before you pass out from sensory overload. Then when you get home, you try it for the first time and feel a bit like you're in an episode of Steve, Don't Eat It!

Some people make a point of buying you bad confectionery. I'll never forget the first time I was given a monster pack of wasabi tuna, the lollies not the movie. I wasn't sure whether they were fit for human consumption so I tried offering one to a starving homeless person. He took one look at it and spat at me in disgust. After I washed the vagrant spit out of my clothes, the wasabi tuna went into the deepest darkest corner under the bed. It has since been joined by several cans of abalone flavoured macadamia nuts (same giver), which are so lethal that there is only one known instance of someone having survived after eating them. You see, I don't dare throw them away because such things are probably cursed - I know they will turn up again and exact revenge on me by cramming themselves down my throat while I sleep.

That's about all I will say about bad candy for today because there's already a website that documents such crimes against tastebuds. What I really wanted to tell you about was one of Okashi Land's current promotions. Right now, whenever you buy something from there, you can pay an extra HK$10 and get a stuffed toy. These are not just any stuffed toys because their backsides can be used to clean computer screens.

How versatile are they? Not only do they fulfil the need to have something small, cute and hygienically sound in your life but they also help with the housekeeping. I bought Piggy because it's a palmful of cuteness that looks vaguely like a pig in a permanent star jump position. On the other hand, there is no way in hell that Froggy even remotely resembles a frog. Its eyes are more uneven than Paris Hilton's and it's got a bloody tooth even!

This is my second pet computer screen cleaner (the last one was a blue anatomically correct frog I that bought from a different store for HK$8). I can tell that you are really envious of my collection so far, especially those of you who are living outside Asia. In the spirit of generosity, I've found some websites which sell similar toys but they cost almost 10 times more than in Hong Kong. Y'all are getting ripped off but that's the price you have to pay for keeping up with the in crowd.

Sky High Fashion

There's a guy on the internet who collects stewardess uniforms, puts them on his mannequins and takes lots of photos. If that hasn't sufficiently creeped you out, please continue reading. His collection contains over 300 uniforms from airlines all around the world and it is constantly growing. Cliff states that he doesn't give out information about how to obtain such uniforms so one has to wonder how he does manage to get them, especially given this photo.

Airlines often spend lots of money hiring designers to revamp their uniforms. Some of the designs are mildly entertaining, unless you are the one wearing them. If I was a jetsetting darling of the fashion world who was hired by Cathay Pacific, I would stick the girls in outfits like this or this to make them truly eye-candy of the air.


Aer Lingus

Does a cattle class pleb like you want to be treated like a first class passenger? Tell me my uniform looks good even though I know it's an outright lie.

Allegheny Airlines

Hello, I am your stewardess and your inflight reading material for today.

Easyjet

My jacket is the only flotation device on board, suckers!

Gulf Air

Master, just tell me what you need and I'll fold my arms and blink it into existence for you.

Malaysian Airlines

I may not have any arms but I can serve meals and hot beverages off my perfectly formed ass, that's how good it is.

Midway Airlines

Don't judge us by our boring uniforms. When we get drunk at parties we turn our uniforms upside down and use them for naked sack races.

SAS Scandinavian Airlines

Oh my god, they killed Kenny! You bastards!

UTA French Airlines

Move over Laura Ashley, the new princess of floral frump has landed.

Phew, I better stop before I get an aneurysm. Cliff's website gets about 1000 hits a day but I think the number would increase dramatically if his collection consisted of the stewardesses themselves.

Get them while they're hot

It's never too early to squander your money on Olympic merchandise, which is why several appointed stores in Beijing have already started flogging 2008 Olympic souvenirs. There are the usual pin badges, wallets that make even duct tape wallets look exciting and baseball caps etc. I believe they are still working on t shirt designs and the prototype looks something like this.

The Beijing 2008 merchandise features a red & white logo that is inspired by a traditional red Chinese seal. I know it's already been commented upon when it first came out about a year ago but this is the first time I have seen it. I'm just not up to date when it comes anything remotely related to sport. Don't hit me for being unpatriotic, but the logo reminded me of a victim's chalk outline in a pool of congealing blood. I also agree that the font is very Chinese restaurant menuish.

After the much-maligned twincestous mascots of Athens (who everyone agrees are swollen-footed Simpsons characters gone wrong), I can't wait until BOCOG announces their official mascot. If you haven't already entered the design competition but are oozing creative juices from every orifice, you should do so now. I really really want a panda to be the mascot but it doesn't quite work with the "faster, stronger, higher" motto. The mascot also needs to be fun and sexy because the Olympics is actually all about sex. I'm thinking a panda spinning a plate on a bamboo shoot while straddling the nimble Monkey King.

Interesting Olympics-related site: Swimming Medal Predictions for Athens 2004. No predictions yet for Beijing 2008.

Spherical Miracles

Why have your chest sliced open and implants crammed into it when you can now use silicone inserts to go up a couple of bra sizes. Astound friends, family and colleagues with your magic pneumatic bust and keep them guessing as to what cup size you will be sporting today.

Several bra manufacturers, the most popular being Nubra, have taken these wondrous mounds one step further and developed silicone bras that you can wear with low cut backless strapless party dresses (ie just about every party dress these days). By the way if you are planning to wear one of these dresses and put your wares on display, you probably should have some wares to begin with.

We can't all be Kano sisters, but I had the misfortune of meeting someone who tried to rock this look but had no cleavage or breasts to speak of. Nope. Nada. You could land several Airbuses on her chest. Yet she continually thrust her naked sternum at me the whole night long in some kind of bizarre female equivalent of a gorilla's chest-beating display until I almost screamed out "move along now, nothing to see here!".

A Hong Kong company has even jumped on the bandwagon and released their own silicone backless strapless bra called Fanzy Bra. The Fanzy Bra's catchcry is "It's part of your body!" and the marketing keywords are colourful, soft, strapless, freedom, backless and firmly. Gotta love those stray adverbs. As the model on the website shows, the Fanzy Bra can even make you look seductive while straddling a zebra seat.

Just like McDonald's Hello Kitty toys, the Fanzy Bra comes in several different colours to suit your mood - red for slutty, purple for sexually frustrated, green for horny, yellow for "do me now!" and so on. How does this amazing display of suspension engineering work? Basically they're just silicone inserts with an adhesive backing and a clasp to join them together. After wearing them you are supposed to wash the bra and the sticky parts will regenerate so that Fanzy Bra can live to support your breasts for another day. It's an instant and relatively painless boob job except for the part where you have to peel the suckers off.

The official website has lots of useful information including the fact that the Fanzy Bra is also useful for hanging up your 2 videotapes.
According to website, the Sheer version allows ladies to "fully enjoy the tenderness that their husbands and boyfriends cannot provide", whatever that means. It also suggests that if you want to create a busty look, try positioning the bra at a higher point than your breasts. Cool, I've always wanted to walk around with 4 breasts.

Although Fanzy Bra promises total freedom of mobility, I've read on internet forums that this type of bra is not suitable for a night of clubbing because it comes loose once you bounce about too much and the adhesive loses its effect when you sweat. Furthermore, Fanzy Bra is not designed for all-day wear - if you wear it for too long, you will develop an embarrassing bra-shaped rash from the adhesive. Unfortunately Fanzy Bra doesn't last forever and is only good for about 100 wears. After that you could still use it for other non-bra purposes like storing your keys, making a nice Thai chicken curry or as a stress squeeze toy.

If you're still not sold on the Fanzy Bra, perhaps you could try one of their adhesive Nipple Patches as a "seductive last line of defence" (again their words, not mine). This is for women who want to go braless but want to avoid having men cross their path and become frozen on the spot, staring at them like a deer caught in headlights. A useful product in summer but when the weather gets cooler, you might want to think about Possum Fur Nipple Warmers.

Presidential Pressies!

Check out this list of US presidential gifts given by foreign leaders in 2003 (the complete list is available here. Most of it reads like a really bad wedding gift list (and have probably made their way onto Ebay by now) but there are some interesting items in there.

The Saudi royals do not disappoint by giving the First Lady US$95,500 worth of diamond and sapphire jewellery and the First Daughters US$16,500 worth of Bvlgari jewellery, stuff that they probably leave lying around the palace for the pets to play with. Silvio Berlusconi the Italian President isn't too shabby either with his Franck Muller & Bvlgari watches and Damiani jewellery. The man has taste and he is definitely invited to my next birthday party.

As for the Sultan of Brunei, he clearly has no clue when it comes to gift giving. Besides the usual expensive stuff, he throws in a couple of cds, some cheesecake, some shortbread cookies and a candle. Who is he, the host of a home shopping network? Speaking of inappropriate gifts, somebody should tell the President of Senegal that the Laura Bush has done the whole child-bearing thing a couple of times and at her age she really doesn't need a fertility statue.

I am particularly impressed by the Argentinian President's fashion foresight - who knew back in July 2003 that ponchos would be making a huge comeback this year. French President Jacques Chirac was the only one to give toiletries to the President and you just know that is his way of saying "You stink". The First Lady gets an Hermes scarf from him, but after watching Le Divorce, I have to ponder the meaning of that gift.

It's a bit odd for the Singapore PM to be giving a black Namiki pen with an image of Mount Fuji - what's that got to do with Singapore? Sounds like he is trying to palm off what a visiting Japanese dignitary gave him. Finally, you have to feel bad for a country like Djibouti for having its relatively modest gifts (a book and some coins in a dish) on display while the rest of the world is piling the gold, myrrh and frankincense on the White House doorstep. It's like that one kid in your class who brings baked beans and a side of spam to school on Bring A Special Dish Day.

If you were a political leader, what gift(s) from your home country would you be giving to the First Family? A tacky souvenir, a slave or an STD? Email me (subject title: Presidential Pressies) your suggestions with your name and URL (if any), and after consultation with the First Family I will publish their favourites.

Submissions so far
Vince of HKMacs: Brighton Rock and a tacky seaside postcard

Veronica: A book collection comprising the Koran, the Good News Bible, the Teachings of Buddha, the Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama, a dictionary and the thesaurus

Leon: A red t-shirt with the words "Como estas bitches"

MeanOne: One of my precious farts wrapped in a brown paper bag