Friday, June 16

How to spot a fake Fendi

Goodness me, what is Walmart is trying do here? Does it have any idea how many street vendors are going to be put out of their jobs? With all these knock-offs invading everyday life, how can normal folk figure out where to properly direct their purse envy? Here's a brief tutorial explaining the difference between something that is ugly & expensive and just plain ugly.

Leather Baguette with Palazzo Coin Detail

Often it's the little details that give shoddy workmanship away. The coins should be evenly lined up and be in pristine condition. Most importantly they should not melt into a gooey chocolatey mess under the sun.

Coated Crepe Satin Spy Bag

Some designer handbags have hidden inbuilt features that are very difficult for an unqualified artisan to emulate. In this example, the thorny leather straps are actually removable, allowing the body of the bag to convert into a shower cap. According to police reports, many of the fake versions offered only poor or marginal protection for the hair under a steaming hot shower.

Bag du Jour with Crown Embroidery

Rub bag handles vigorously against your shoulder. If that does not leave a burning red mark, then the manufacturers are clearly using fake rope. Look closely at the blue swirls on the side of the bag. If the bag is real, then you will fall into a hypnotic trance and the word "Fendi" should clearly materialise under the crown. If the bag is fake, then the words "Burger King" will appear instead.

Small Embroidered B Bag

Part of the value from purchasing a designer bag comes from the knowledge that only the highest quality materials are used. For a bag like this one, the easiest way to tell is to lick the large buckle. Tastes like rare penguin guano? If not, then I'm afraid that you have been the victim of a horrific scam.

Linen Shopping Bag with Selleria Handles

This is perhaps the most copied handbag of the entire Fendi range. I've heard stories of amateur artists, armed with alphabet stencils and crayons, churning out piece after piece in the back alleys. When in doubt check out who is carrying the bag and its contents. Most farmer-looking types don't use authentic Fendi linen sacks to store grain, flour or feed.

Thursday, June 15

Economies of scale

Things you might add to your baby shower registry if you found out you were having quintuplets

Stretch mark cream

Automatic milking machine

Supermarket trolley to use in place of stroller

Louis Vuitton rolling luggage for carrying diapers

Powernap - 3 hours of deep sleep in 20 minutes

Mini van

Very high five-seat sofa for feeding

Baby monitor with cool split-screen technology

Violins x 2, Cellos x 2, Viola x 1

White gold diamond pacifiers x 5

Wednesday, June 14

What to get for Celebrity Father's Day

I've been giving this some thought and you know what? I do believe I deserve something special like a brand new motorcycle, a helicopter or even a personality. Mad, Zahara and Shiloh can make the money easily by selling photos of themselves. Think about it - I've given my kids, even the adopted ones, some very valuable genes that you can't just show your appreciation for with a lousy pair of socks or a novelty tie.

Hmmm I guess I could use one of those stylish new iPods fitted out with all the latest accessories. It could come in handy when I go jogging in my boxers and especially when I need to drown out the sounds of the girlfriend and the ex-wife start bickering over me.

Look I don't want to turn this into some huge media circus. We're just going to take the kids out and do the things that all traditional nuclear families do, like kick the ball around and perform deathdefying stunts around the barbecue grill. And if there are any paparazzi which happen to be present, it'll make a great photo-op. It would also make my day if some people would stop fussing over the fine print and just sign the damn prenup already.

Oh the usual. Breakfast in bed, with five barely legal hookers and obscene amounts of cocaine. Who's your daddy? *leer*

I'm a simple man with an awesome heart so I think a card would do just fine. But just make sure to slip some cash in it. Nothing fancy, just a couple of hundred grand because I never know where I end up sleeping these days and I need the money for smokes, beer and recording my sorry excuse for an album.

I don't expect much from little Kal-El because he's only young. All I ask is for him to live up to his name by picking up a car with one hand, outrunning a speeding train or saving another baby from another burning building. Come on, just one display of superhuman strength for Daddy!

OK Paris and Prince Michael, this Father's Day I'm going to need for you to steal those secret court papers that claim that I'm not your biological father. When you've done that then you have to remove your veils and undergo drastic plastic surgery to show the court that you've inherited my delicate features. Then we can all live together as one happy family in a foreign country that has lots of orphanages.

I don't know if Violet can do anything about this but I would like for my name to stop being bandied about everytime there's rumour of a preposterous movie remake. I mean, Magnum PI, Star Trek, Casablanca, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid...that's just ridiculous. I was at one time a bankable actor you know. Oh and some new hairplugs would be nice. My current ones are giving me the worst migraines.

Another blog to visit: Ruby red - An idiot sammich in the picnic of life.

Tuesday, June 13

Lightweight and flighty are in is telling us that feathers are summer's must-haves. Who am I to argue with such a firm declaration. Instead I will show you the many many ways in which you can wear feathers, each more delightful than the next. You might just learn something and if not, well then chalk it up to good taste and breeding.

Naturally our starting point is Cher. What she doesn't know about feathers isn't worth knowing at all. She likes to keep her drag impersonators on their toes which is why she designed this particular pair of thigh high boots, which come with their own feather boas.

When it comes to hats though, you have to defer to Shirley Bassey. Best known for her big brassy booming voice. Which is why she needs a hat with superior muffling properties, so that she can hear herself think during her brilliantly bombastic live performances.

Feathers also make well-insulated sleeves to keep the arms warm, unlike say giraffe skin which has a tendency to split and reveal what type of push-up bra you are wearing underneath.

Charlotte Gainsbourg and Jennifer Connelly show us how to puff out the plumage to make things bigger than they seem. Although if you have seen some of Jennifer Connelly's early movies (but not so early as Labyrinth) you will know that she doesn't really need assistance in that department.

FACT: Before Christina Aguilera entered her Marilyn Monroe phase, she once got ready for a red carpet appearance by smearing herself in fake tan and rolling around in feathers, thus coining the expression "to tan and feather".
MYTH: No flamingos were hurt in the making of the dress

Finally, even the average bespectacled Chinese guy is partial to a bit of winged fancy. As in the wild, these feathers remain strictly ornamental for the purpose of attracting mates and scaring off potential rivals, predators and anyone else really.

Another blog to visit: Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies - "Courage is the greatest of all virtues, because if you haven't courage, you may not have an opportunity to use any of the others."

Monday, June 12

You Like, You Buy Vol 45

There's nothing worse than having a bout of temperamental weather to come along and stymie one's best-laid fashion plans. Seems like someone up there is suffering from a bad case of PMS. In times like these, you'd best rely on an umbrella if you want to make any sort of fashion statement.

While umbrellas are plentiful and ready for the buying in Hong Kong, chances are that the ones you come across will all come from a little place known as Hop Hing Umbrella ( Listed below are some of the most popular models in Hop Hing's collection and the type of people they cater to.

For the person who buys a new one each time another building goes up along the harbourfront

For the child whose favourite Batman episode is the one where Robin defeats the evil Klansmen by getting them all tangled up in his bright blue cape

For the moron who feels the need to slap a picture of something insufferably cute on everything they carry, use at work or have sex on

For the person who wants to blend in with their camo capris

For the wildlife enthusiast

However none of the above umbrellas are designed for sharing, and as such are relegated to use by those doomed to walk the streets in soggy solitude. For a practical solution, co-dependent couples will need to check out where love means never having to get wet.