What the heck were they thinking?

(Valentino) Meryl Streep may be one of the finest actress of our generation but she could do with a fashion tip or two from me. Under no circumstances should she ever wear all white. Look at how washed out she is, even with full makeup. I'm kind of concerned for her. It's really quite unnatural to be looking like that at her age.


(Charlize Theron) Poor Renee. It's the biggest night of her life and her face has turned into a ruddy mess. Couldn't she have chosen a more subtle shade of blush or consistently applied a foundation with green undertones? She's going to look back on these pictures one day and cringe with regret.


(Lindsay Lohan) I hate to say this in my head because she's one of my best buddies but Kelly is looking like one hundred kinds of ass tonight. She really needs to get her skin tone and her hair working together for once, instead of against each other. *sigh* Is there anything even real about her anymore?


(Jodie Marsh) I am seriously disturbed by this random guy. I can't put it into words but his complexion is just...wrong. He's not a Summer or an Autumn...I don't know what the hell he is! The dull and dark colours he's wearing aren't doing him any favours either. I'm just glad that he's all covered up so that we don't have to be subjected to his *shudder* exposed flesh.


(Jessica Simpson) Ew. Ew Ew Ew. I don't understand how someone's pigmentation can be so bland. What an unappealing sickly, pasty beige. You could almost use it as a metaphor to describe both my thriving marriage and career.


(Donatella Versace) One year ago, it would have been ok to walk around all monochrome like that. But right now, I am so embarrassed for Liz.

Making sense of men's fragrance ads

I don't know how you men do it. How do you pick your signature scent? Don't all the fragrance ads make you feel really really inadequate?

Calvin Klein

This is only half of the ad but it's the part that really matters. There seem to be a few words missing - the whole ad should read "OBSSESSION NIGHT for dirty old men". If you really want to get specific it should read "OBSSESSION NIGHT for dirty old men living where water restrictions are so strict you can't even draw enough water in your bathtub to cover your buttocks".

Hugo Boss

With this ad campaign, Hugo Boss has decided to target a hitherto ignored minority demographic - the Rohypnol carrying male.

Bvlgari

Hey you! Yeah you, Hugo Boss guy. Hands off my girl. I've been watching her for months now. There's nobody who can stalk her as well as I do. Nobody. Now back off. I'll be keeping my eye on you. And her too, of course!

Davidoff

Clearly the good life consists of being able to spend lazy afternoons on a gigantic tree branch admiring the results of consuming web-purchased enlargement pills over a sustained period of time.

Lanvin

Come on boy! Good dog! OK boy, go fetch! Fetch the Blackberry! That's a good dog! Now fetch the coffee! Cream and sugar too please! Good doggie! Go boy, fetch my dry cleaning! Atta boy! Come here, boy! Who's the bestest doggie in the world? If you work through your lunch hour, I'll let you leave early today!

Escada

Who knew that in this day and age Africanized killer bees still posed more of a threat to society than avian flu or SARS. Perhaps if he just moved his date's red swollen corpse under the buffet table, subtly covered his face, ditched the offending bouquet and retreated by slow backward steps to the exit, nobody would notice.

Thierry Mugler

Ten Years Ago. The Machines Who Rule The Future Sent An Unstoppable Terminator To Deodorise The Yet Unborn John Connor. They Failed. In 2005. The Machines Will Try Again. The T1000. With New Improved and More Dangly Metal Bits.


Mark your territory with Yohji Homme, the scent of dog pee.

Vera Wang

The past few years have been a rollercoaster ride of unbridled passion for the both of you and today marks a new beginning. Go on, cop one last feel before she goes off and gets married to your best friend. Whatever you do though, don't lose the ring because that's the worst thing that a best man could ever do.

In cuteness and in health

It's never wise to turn your back on the Japanese. While the rest of the world is going ga-ga over Taiwan's Hello Kitty plane, Japan has been up to no good. No, I don't mean trotting out Steven Seagal and his guitar in the name of nuclear disarmament.



It's far far more dastardly than that. In a move that caused mass fainting fits across Japan (and audible gasps in neighbouring countries) the Hankyu-Daiichi hotel chain launched its Princess Kitty wedding package. For a pretty penny you can spend your wedding day immersed in Hello Kitty tweeness, from the ring pillow to the seating cards to the flowers. What better way to be the envy of your single friends by snaring a man and outSanrio-ing them at the same time!

Decked in purple, the colour of sexual frustration, Hello Kitty will escort you down the aisle, together with her good for nothing unemployed backup dancer loverboy Dear Daniel.


She will then look upon with trepidation as the groom slips the wedding ring onto his bride's finger, signifying his commitment to transform the marital abode into a permanent shrine to her Mouthlessness.


Afterwards she will perform a lively celebratory jig while the wedding guests look on and wonder how she manages to keep her rhythm with such clunky platform shoes.


When the last of the guests has staggered out, sated on cake and fine rare bordeaux, the newlyweds will retire to the honeymoon suite. There the marriage will be consummated with a full blown pillow fight, lovingly captured for posterity on a little pink camcorder. *sniffle* I can't help it, I always cry at weddings regardless of how plush they are.

Another blog to visit: Trompe L'oeil - because there are times I don't know why.

Mask your fear

Prepare to open the portal to the underworld. All Hallows Eve is nigh and if you haven't picked out a costume yet, you're going to look pretty stupid when all your friends and family are dressed in big colourful wigs and ill-fitting vinyl unitards which show an inordinate amount of camel toe and are carrying dangerously spinning glow-in-the-dark props and YOU'RE NOT.

At least consider putting on a Halloween mask to acknowledge the festivities. You'd be surprised to find how frightfully sophisticated masks are these days. At one time you could get away looking like Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett or even Jackie Stallone but increasingly consumers are bucking tradition for a fresher updated look.

Have a browse through the top 10 selling Halloween masks this year. Hopefully there will be one that makes you go "ew".

The Suspiciously Strong Jawed Lingerie Model


The Mortal Enemy of High Definition TV


The Joker


The Red Carpet Creature


The Teen Hag


The Bride of Wildenstein - an old favourite, now available in blonde


The Vengeful Icelandic Banshee


The Dried Out Husk of a Supermodel


The Gone and Dunaway


The Two Faces of Evil


Another blog to visit: Madame Chiang - she has lived in many dark and interesting corners of the globe. Many things interest her including (but not limited to) World Affairs, Literature, Art, Life's Idiosyncracies and Travel

You Like, You Buy Vol 34

There are many people out there who are interested in Asian culture and I don't just mean those who think that the Japanese make the most imaginative p0rn. They often want to reflect this in their personal style, but to a lesser extreme than Alyssa Milano.



However, when it comes to Chinese-inspired shirts, trying to find a decent one can be as difficult as trying to track down that special bootleg version of Something's Gotta Give, you know the one which cuts out all the irrelevant bits and just leaves in the scenes featuring Keanu Reeves as a hot doctor.

GMTEE shirts is a Hong Kong-based online company that aims to fill this niche. They also have a bunch of Japanese-inspired shirts and the worldwide shipping rates are quite reasonable. There has been positive customer feedback and best of all they don't make any hokey references to takeout containers and fortune cookies.

While the popular items are based on the more elaborate black & white designs, these appealed to my almond-shaped eyes:

Kung Fu master


Phish


Jumping koi


Rising crane


Zilla


I hope that a Panda Idol t shirt will be added to the lineup soon. Once I have one of those, my life will be complete.

Note: From time to time this blog receives requests to feature stuff. While I don't propose to prance around in scanty apparel while shilling footrubs, snakeoil and miracle potions I may write about certain products if I'm in a good mood. This is not something you can control but will usually entail not having to work on the weekend, having an ample supply of junk food to eat and DVDs to watch. There are very few things I will sell out for and they include Chanel, Marc Jacobs, Collette Dinnigan, a really stylish military jacket for winter, and the aforementioned DVD of Something's Gotta Give.