Saturday, October 16

You Like, You Buy Vol 9

Steela + Steelo ( is a brand of accessories that started out making stainless steel jewelry such as the usual charm bracelets, rings, pendants and earrings. There's a wide variety of designs to suit women of all types, such as the Amazon line for the statuesque, strong & imposing woman, the Love Me line for the terribly insecure and the Ballie Ballie line for sports enthusiasts which exhorts you to "go chunky with balls". For the men, there is the Uno & Arrow ring which is designed to show the "selfdom of impregnable man". Rejoice men, at last you have a way of declaring to the world that you cannot and WILL NOT be impregnated.

While their designs involve a lot of creative effort, even more thought was put into the name Steela + Steelo - Steela represents the ladies while Steelo represents the men, and the "a" and "o" stands for all occasions. Even a master codebreaker like Robert Langdon wouldn't have been able to work that one out. Similarly, the Viwa line of poodle designs is derived from the phrase "vivi wawa" which in the most mangled attempt at onomatopeia in the history of mankind is supposed to be the sound of a dog barking.

Somewhere along the line, the minds behind Steela + Steelo decided to go into a product expansion frenzy and churn out watches, handbags, sunglasses, slippers and scarves. I hope I'm wrong but I think I even saw a hair scrunchy in there. Also, don't be alarmed by their self-described bushy tailed Terizia handbags - there is neither bush nor tail there, just terry towelling.

But wait, there's more! Don't leave the site without browsing through their swimwear collection, at least I think it is swimwear because the one below would look more suitable on a jaded can-can dancer in a bordello.

What's that vivi wawa sound coming from your crotch? Good golly gosh, poodles turn up in the darndest places, don't they!

Friday, October 15

Eating Etiquette

I don't mean to sound like a modern day Emily Post but every now and then it's important to brush up on our etiquette skills. However we live in a society that is very different to the one which insisted on 1920s style table manners, so it's time to update the rules of dining etiquette with the help of some important public figures. Many people call them celebrities but they are also people who have taught us so much about fashion, love and life generally.

Mike Tyson

No matter what the nutrition guides tell you, green salad is not your friend. You must approach a salad in the way that Mike Tyson does, with a style that is impetuous and a defense that is impregnable. Rip the salad to shreds, kill it and feed it to yourself, then go after its children and devour them too.

Hilary Clinton

Our ancestors have tried for years, but there really isn't any way to look elegant when eating a jumbo hot dog. However do not let that discourage you because if you approach the task at hand with determination and gusto, you might just end up looking more dignified than an intern caught in the act of pleasuring her President in the Oval Office.

Paul Newman

The highlight of any cake cutting ceremony is deciding who should lick the cutting knife clean. This privilege is usually reserved for the eldest member attending the ceremony as they usually have the steadiest hands and no more teeth to lose.

Vince Vaughn

Formal etiquette dictates that no matter how the food tastes, you should use appropriate facial expressions to express your appreciation to your host. When in doubt, rearrange your features to look like you had a run-in with Mike Tyson's lethal uppercut.

Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro

Sharing food is becoming increasingly acceptable in this modern age because it helps people bring closer. Experts also agree that food tastes better and contains higher nutritional value when it's been passed back and forth between people's mouths several times.

Jennifer Garner

Always chew with your mouth closed. Even if you are blessed with a jaw that unhinges when you eat, you must adhere to this golden rule.

Geri Halliwell & David Hasselhoff

As a general rule, the practice of eating in public while standing up is only recommended when the diner is able to avoid littering the ground with food crumbs. In most cases, using a dog of below-average size as a crumb-catcher will suffice.

Anna Kournikova

There are times when even etiquette has to take a back seat because fellow diners will be too busy thinking about other things to notice whether the correct rules have been observed.

For more educational celebrity eating pictures, visit

Thursday, October 14

Try before you buy

Today's post is for all the ladies out there who relish the rollercoaster of serial dating and know the dating circuit like the back of of their French manicured hands. You know who you are, with your voicemails constantly jammed with offers for coffee, drinks, dinner and what comes afterwards. Right now, you're probably planning a knockout ensemble for Friday night so that you can look relentlessly gorgeous in a just rolled out of bed and threw it together at the last minute way when you step out on the town with a shiny new man and even shinier lip gloss.

A large portion of society may smile politely in front of you and call you a slut behind your back but these are the same people who would praise you as a stud and call for high-fives all round if you were a guy. So yeah, more power to you, you go girlfriend and raspberry martinis all round.

Men can't get enough of women with disturbing neuroses, particularly those with a severe case of self-loathing that tends to develop after a series of broken relationships, each more emotionally draining than the previous one. lets you display these neuroses for the world to see and appreciate. Wearing one of the following tee-shirts is bound to get someone to buy you a drink:
01. emotionally unavailable men rock.
09. ignore me and i'm yours.
13. i date down.

Dating Diary
With The Him Book you can keep a record of your men that is more detailed and interesting than "Dear Diary, I met someone today and he's just dreamy". Normally a blog would do for this sort of thing but the Him Book makes a nice keepsake which can be dragged out to show the grandkids. Watch their eyes grow wide in awe as you regale them with stories about your relationship misadventures. Like the time, the love of your life broke up with you because he needed some space, so in a revenge-filled haze you had loud, angry intercourse with his unattractive flatmate. On the bed of your ex. While your ex was watching tv in the living room.

Not every date has to end with the cold, stark reality that is the morning after. One night stands are bad simply because you have to end up borrowing cab fare from a guy who you will never have a chance to repay as you have no intention of ever contacting him again. But sometimes no matter how hard you try, those panties just won't stay on, and those legs just won't stay closed! Vagiseal is a way for you to remain an alluring but impenetrable fortress (there is no nudity in the ad, so it's safe for work). OK so it's not actually a product that's on the shelves yet but give it time and it will be. Definitely before they find a cure for cancer.

Don't despair, I haven't forgotten about all the single men who haven't been able to get a date despite their best efforts. I'm on your side too! I know how hard it's been for you to carefully cultivate that handlebar moustache. I can sympathise with the struggle of getting your mum to move out into the spare bedroom. Yet you still nowhere near as popular as Gunther and any number that you manage to get inevitably leads to the Rejection Hotline. It's not fair, is it!

Guys, listen closely to what I'm about to tell you. The secret is in the SCENT. Women can smell fear, wealth but most of all they can smell SEXINESS. The raw magnetism that has eluded you for so long can easily be attained through the extra dose of pheromones provided by Pherlure. Remember though, that the powerful chemical signals extend all the way through the animal kingdom. If on the way to the club, in your newfound sexiness, you cross paths with a vicious rottweiler and she decides that she wants you to be her babydaddy, then at least you know you're on the right track.

Wednesday, October 13

What's in a name?

When I read about the Chinese man who wanted to to call his son @ (original Chinese article is here), I thought why bother, just let the boy grow up and pick a stupid name for himself. You've all probably come across people in Hong Kong who give themselves crazy and random-sounding English names or heard about them and tut-tutted at the absurdity of it all.

Some of these people may be your friendly taxi driver, the receptionist at your office or your relationship manager at the bank. Some of them may even be celebrities who often grace magazine covers, tv and movie screens:

Dante Lam (director, producer)
I think he's shown remarkable foresight in naming himself after one of the foremost classical figures in Italian and world literature. Having sat through the Twins Effect (which he directed), I can truly attest that the experience was akin to descending into Dante's Tenth Circle of Hell.

Deep Ng (actor, singer)
Earlier this year, the tabloids had a field day over his drug "problems" when he was arrested for being in possession of 1.2 grams of cocaine. Please, 1.2 grams wouldn't even last 1.2 seconds at ANY entertainment industry party. When his septum has collapsed and his body is covered in open sores, then let me know. At first I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt over his name choice, thinking it could be a sly dig at the sensitive profound artiste persona. However I have since discovered that he released an EP titled "Deep in the Music", demonstrating that he did indeed crawl out of the shallow end of the gene pool.

Emotion Cheung (actor)
Somehow a movie featuring an actor named Emotion in its lineup doesn't inspire confidence. It's like going to see a doctor called Medication or hiring a lawyer called Negotiation. It might even make one question the actor's abilities - is he only capable of expressing one emotion? Even Brad Pitt manages to squeeze out two emotions in his movies, and he doesn't even need to because everyone only goes to see his Abs of Absolute Magnificence.

Juno Mak (actor, singer)
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be named after a powerful figure from Greek or Roman mythology. One of the all-time great movie characters, Apollo Creed, shared his name with the Greek & Roman sun god. But at least try and do some research otherwise you'll end up like Juno, naming himself after a Roman goddess. The Queen of gods and jealous hissy fits even. Or is it a subtle nod to the rock band because I doubt that his lip-synching Cantopop strains comes close to Freddie Mercury, who being the gay icon that he was, still chose to adopt the name of a Greek male deity.

Kenix Kwok (actress)
Finally, somebody who seems to have conjured up a name from nothing but thin air and contorted imagination. Perhaps we could blame her agent for suggesting it to her, the same person who also suggested that she take a role in Raped by an Angel 3: Fantasy of the Chief Executive. Kenix also sounds suspiciously like the kind of prescription medication that a popular actress could get heavily dependent on. Especially if she hates her husband so much that she recoils in abject disgust from having to kiss him on their wedding day.

Mango Wong (actress, singer)
Mango recently accused one of her co-workers who sexually harrassing on the set of a tv series they were filming together. I am in no way suggesting that she deserved it but with a name like that you're going to have to be prepared for a lifetime of sleazy men asking you in a leering tone whether you are ripe for the picking or offering to suck on your juicy pulpy flesh. And they might not even be rich or willing to make you one of their mistresses. So think about that Miss Mango before you put your succulent tropical bounty out there.

Rain Li (actress, singer) & Race Wong (actress, singer in girl group 2R)
Wow that was a close call. What are the odds that two starlets could have separately decided to throw a dictionary in the air to choose their names and have them land on almost the same page.

Sammul Chan (actor)
Can I call you Sam because that would be less embarrassing? Sam, in the Bible, Samuel was a great leader who defeated the Philistines. Sammul, not so much. Do you remember the camelherder who sold the camels to the Three Wise Men so that they could get to Bethlehem? No that wasn't Sammul. Rather, Sammul was the guy who was caught by the aforementioned camelherder in the act of giving one of his prized camels a third hump and was subsequently stoned to death. Sam, do you really want to be known as that sort of person, huh Sam?

Wancy Dai (actress, singer)
People who call themselves Wancy really irritate me. They want all the fun and capriciousness associated with being called Nancy or Wendy but none of the responsibility. The name Wancy is also one stroke away from being Wanky which says it all really.

Tuesday, October 12

J'aime Hong Kong

What does it mean when groups of people clad in blue, white or red come together to form cute messages that can be seen from the sky? It means that French Culture Year in China has arrived, a 10 month long program of performances and exhibitions designed to imbue China with a little equality and fraternity (because liberty is entirely irrelevant).

People from both countries have long suffered jokes at their expense about being smelly, dirty and rude, so it is only fitting that their leaders have bonded over their negative stereotypes. This cultural exchange program aims to be the biggest step forward in Sino-French relations since famous Hong Kong actress Maggie Cheung married a French man then divorced him to take up with another French guy.

For weeks, it seemed that the IFC Mall in Hong Kong was planning something huge to mark this occasion and I had high hopes after seeing this temporary signboard:

That Bo Derek. Underneath the beaded corn row braids, lies a very perceptive mind. My own less perceptive mind boggled with the possibilities of what French-sponsored shopping extravaganzas would be unfurled with a theatrical flourish. A Balenciaga boutique? A Colette department store? An entire shop of Christian Louboutin and Rodolphe Menudier shoes? *swoon*

Colour me disappointed when I found out that all fuss behind the construction, security barricades and cordonned off areas was for a huge-ass Picasso work on loan from the Pompidou Centre. It would have been so much better if they had just lent Olivier Martinez to us for a year. Rowrrrr. If you are interested in viewing Picasso's Parade, details are here. The Pompidou Centre likes us so much that it is bidding for a modern art museum project in West Kowloon. Culture! In Hong Kong! That isn't grown from a petri dish or from rotting garbage flowing out of an up-ended dustbin in a dirty back alley into an open sewer.

Since Jacques Chirac is stopping over in Hong Kong for 1 day, I urge fellow Hong Kongers to please get your acts together and make him feel appreciated. He's been touring the mainland over the past week and his schedule has been extremely demanding. Like having to inspect the proposed France-China Centre and thinking, in the style of Derek Zoolander, "Sacre bleu! What is zis, a centre for antz?!?". Or having to feign surprise at the unveiling of a big rock and thinking "Merde! Ze Engleesh haff ze Rock of Gibraltar and all I haff is zis. It zis not even fit to be a pumice stone for my aching, bunioned feet."

Unfortunately I cannot teach you how to project the legendary French nonchalance needed to impress Chirac. However I have found some Realaudio sound files which can teach you how to pronounce French fashion brands properly so you don't fall the usual traps of thinking that Hermes rhymes with herpes and Chanel sounds just like channel. Oh, and mes petits cheris mignons there is no culture in the entire world that considers it cute when you shorten Louis Vuitton to LV and pronounce it as Ell-wee.

Monday, October 11

Total eclipse of the skank

Isn't it great that women can make a career out of turning up on the red carpet wearing little more than: (a) a bustier which squeezes one's oversized boobs together into quarters that are more cramped than the average Hong Kong apartment and (b) a belt.

Maybe it's due to a lack of good plastic surgeons, but Hong Kong has yet to provide such opportunities that the UK has for their "glamour models" (which is a classy way of saying Page 3 girls who don't model designer clothes, or any other type of clothes for that matter). In one corner, we have Jordan and in the other, we have Jodie Marsh. As their public rivalry has been well documented in the tabloids, the burning question on everyone's mind (after the one being how is it that I even know who they are?) is how do they stack up against each other?

Sporting prowess
Riding living beasts is something that Jordan has been doing for years so it is only natural that Jordan is an adept horsewoman. When faced with the toughest, most stubborn mustang, all she has to do is lean forward and voila, the horse is wearing blinkers.
Jodie is a keen player of dodgeball but her movements on the court are hampered by having to wear the regulation t shirt. See how much more confident and skilful she is once she's taken her t shirt off?

Jordan has managed to churn out an autobiography about what she knows best i.e. Being Jordan. The pages inside may be blank but it has a cover and spine so rather than getting into a convoluted discussion about semantics let's just call it a book and leave it at that.
The closest that Jodie ever got to a book was when James Hewitt, author of a work of fiction about a dead princess, rubbed up against her on a Harley Davidson. Despite the number of times the seat has been disinfected, that bike still hasn't been sold.

Jordan is currently in a stable relationship with Peter Andre and together with her son Harvey, they genuinely appear to be a happy family. It won't be long before she will be attending garden parties to have high tea and discuss wallpaper, her wild party days being relegated to misty water-coloured memories.
On the other hand, Jodie is a one-woman campaign that is out on the town every night pressing the flesh and never missing a photo opportunity with anybody from the amazing Uri Geller to the even more amazing Ron Jeremy.

Personal Hygiene
We know for a fact that Jordan wears underwear ever since she decided to disclose this at a recent Breast Cancer Benefit. Actually wearing this kills two birds with one stone because it also serves to remind us of her commitment to Peter Andre. Clever girl.
Jodie also has been known to wear underwear from time to time, but it is something that she finds extremely cumbersome because of the need to constantly adjust herself or wonder on which nightclub floor she left them.

Media skills
Jodie always has a bright big smile when being interviewed and has even been described as articulate and funny. Jordan is also incredibly PR savvy and she loves showing off her microphone-handling skills.

Self confidence
Both women have a habit of constantly clutching their boobs. It reflects their shared insecurity because they know their fame rests precariously on these manmade peaks. Even the most gigantic land formations erode over time and so they constantly have to check that their tickets to fame are still there and haven't miraculously deflated overnight.

For her 25th birthday, Jordan went with the tired old Pimps and Prostitutes theme. For such a special event, why would you choose a theme based on what you wear everyday?
While Jodie is careful never to veer out of the broad territory that is skankwear, she shows us how she mixes it up a little with a construction worker theme and a look that can only be described as "What if I rocked up to the gates of Hell in a bra top and jeans and one of Cerberus's heads tore off the crotch section of my jeans because he didn't believe me when I told him that I was wearing eyelet linen panties with mini tassels".

Although both girls are British, Jodie is the one who feels more affinity towards her motherland. Jordan is clearly the more Americocentric of the two, and actually it was her leanings that were a major influence on Tony Blair's decision to form such close ties with the US.

Double sided tape test
To the amazement of onlookers, no matter how much Jordan twists and turns about, her excuse for an outfit somehow manages to defy gravity and hang together. Jodie, while trying to push the envelope in skankiness in this outfit, doesn't fare so well and I can only show you the side view because the front view is proof that double sided tape, like the Pope, is not infallible.

The verdict
Towards the end of this hard fought battle, my head and not to mention my eyes had started to hurt A LOT. Worse still, I couldn't even tell the two apart to decide who should be crowned Her Royal Ho-ness. I think I'm going to have to declare it a dead heat. Let's pray that they never ever collide into each other on the red carpet because the resulting cataclysmic explosion of cheaptastic trashiness could end civilisation as we know it.

Sunday, October 10

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 11

It is no secret that Hong Kong is an unapologetically materialistic place. A gold watch, a handbag with prominent designer logos and a shiny European car. These are signs that you have made it in society, not necessarily to the top, but somewhere around the middle where there are enough people to look down on. This is why ladies working in offices save their blue Tiffany paper bags to carry their packed lunches in and bring them into work everyday. This is why a guy who leaves a party needs all his other guy friends to accompany him to the carpark, not for safety reasons but because everyone needs to see what new modifications he has added to his sportscar. This is why I have no friends, apart from Paul Frank.

While I am glad to see her wearing a hat instead of carrying the usual umbrella, I don't approve of such reckless displays of materialism. My own hat felt so inferior knowing that it cost less, that I had to spend the afternoon boosting its self-esteem by draping it in jewellery and spraying expensive perfume on it.

Can you imagine her wardrobe - it's probably filled with other bits of clothing like this, and there's a separate compartment for price tags alone which she can mix and match. This $1000 price tag really brings out the colour of my eyes. They really go with my dollar sign contact lenses! Oh look it's October already! Time to change the price stickers on everything at home. Where's my price tagging gun? Ohhh now I remember, that Mrs Chan from down the street borrowed it and never returned it. Bitch.

Other people are more content with taking a more subtle approach to lording it over everyone else. So I asked mummy in the limo why she wasn't sad that she lost $100,000 at mahjong the other day after finding out that daddy only bought her a 150 foot yacht and named it after her because he also bought himself a new girlfriend who's younger than me and put her up in a new three storey villa with 360 degree harbour views. Mummy replied because we're rich. And that's when I knew that was the answer to everything.