Friday, August 4

If she could talk to the animals

The animal kingdom responds to Lindsay Lohan's problems with dehydration

Not wanting to be Captain Obvious here, but a daily diet of fresh fruits goes a long way. Show me a chilled fruit platter at breakfast and I'll show you an employee who's never late for work.

Avoid heavy meats like pork and guzzle on a refreshing vegetable salad instead. Freeze first for an all-natural icy treat with a crunchy centre. If you use dry ice, this thing could feed you for the entire week.

I would have thought that a megastar like her gets personally hosed down when heat exhaustion starts to kick in. If I were her I would demand that my trailer comes with a set of sprinklers for me to run through.

I find that strangers are generally more than willing to share their ice creams on a hot summer's day. There is very little risk involved for someone who already has more germs than the average human.

I've run out of claws to count the number of different bikinis she has worn in public but I can't actually remember when was the last time I actually saw her in the water. Come on in Lindsay, the water's lovely!

Girl's got a tongue hasn't she so why doesn't she use it properly? Panting is an effective way of getting cool quickly because it allows cool air to circulate into the body and evaporates moisture from the tongue. And that concludes your science lesson for today.

Lying sprawled naked on a bed of ice also helps. I bet there would be people willing to pay good money to see that.

It's all about what lifestyle choice you make. When I held my birthday party, the theme was black & white. When Lindsay celebrates her birthday, the theme is high as a kite. Go figure which one of us going to end up in rehab first.

I don't see what the big deal is about her. I much prefer Nicole Richie.

Next update: Monday 7 August

Wednesday, August 2

Thank you for flying the boorish skies

Other ways in which you can disrupt a flight with Gucci designer items

Train your baby to wail nonstop if the baby bassinet is not lined with the signature GG monogram in beige jacquard

Leave your sunglasses on the entire flight and demand that something be done about the appalling video quality of the inflight entertainment

Smuggle a beer keg inside your duffel bag to use as an excuse for your anti-Semitic slurs and derogatory remarks about the female flight attendants

Open the overhead compartment where your pearl python hobo is stored and scream in mock horror "There's a snake on the plane!"

Delay the drinks trolley service until your ice cubes are ready.

Explain to passengers sitting near you that like Thor's magic belt, yours also endows you with magnificent strength. Then try to prove it by opening the pressurised cabin doors with your bare hands.

Help prevent deep-vein thrombosis by loudly whooping and riding your limited edition chocolate leather pony down the aisle.

Grossly exceed the maximum carry-on allowance.

Next update: Friday August 4

Monday, July 31

And the bride wore a bikini

What a difference a weekend makes. Just last week the naysayers were sounding the death knell for romance. Then Pamela and Kid Rock came along to show us that true love can survive hepatitis C and groupie shenanigans and that bridal bikinis work so much better the second (or third?) time round.

But it's going to take more than just a yacht in St Tropez to celebrate the most romantic day of one's life. After all planned spontaneity makes for the best wedding pictures.

Drink alcohol. Lots of it. Alcohol beats romantic (read dim) lighting hands down every time. Your memories may be hazy but at least they will be mostly positive.

Where that old wedding saying is concerned the "something new" should always be underwear. It will draw rapturous applause from husband and guests alike when you strip down for the Dollar Poledance.

Staying limber keeps the romantic sparks alive. Not only will it please your partner in the marital bed it will serve you well when that honeymoon tape is leaked - these days YouTube's audiences are extremely learned and expect to be awed and disgusted in new ways all the time.

Buy the blushing bride the best ring that money can buy. It can be bigger than her finger. Or her hand. It can gently rest on her head shining brilliantly like a beacon of amour, guiding lovers down the path of marital bliss and cars off the road into those lovers.

Before walking down the aisle, check that everything that is supposed to be there is there! Sometimes there's a mixup and the wedding cake goes missing or by the time it arrives it is all crumbly and brittle!

When you've finished with the French Riviera, it's time to get hitched all over again in Malibu, Detroit and Nashville. You might even want to do it with the same person too!

Next update: Wednesday August 2