Saturday, January 22

You Like, You Buy Vol 21

Going to sleep is one of my favourite parts of the day. It's always exciting to see what weird and convoluted visions will appear and entertain me for the next 8 hours or so. I liken most of my dreams to what you get when you flick the remote control late at night through all the cable channels. Sometimes you find something thorougly enjoyable, other times it could be utter dreck or it could be slightly disturbing but you can't tear your eyes away. Occasionally you come across some obscure European porn you didn't subscribe for.

Sheep Dream aims to streamline the dream process so that everyone ends up having a nice and sweet dream, one that is equivalent to a fluffy feel good romantic comedy. Nobody ends up alone or dies and the ending leaves room for a sequel where the whole gang returns for more hijinks.

However for every good luck charm there is a corresponding curse. The Sheep Devil won't cause Freddie Krueger to appear in his daggy sweater and fillet & debone a sleeping person but it can cause some restless tossing and turning for the victim.

Unfortunately the Dream Book section doesn't seem to be working. I typed in a whole description of a recent dream I had involving a Gucci bamboo handle bag, a really annoying Pokemon and a breathless train-top chase across rolling plains, the location of which I couldn't identify on account of the train moving so fast. I hope they fix that part of the website soon because it could save lots of psychoanalysis fees.

Using Sheep Dream correctly is as simple as following the instructions below. Don't get your sheep angel and your sheep devil mixed up or you might find yourself trapped in a recurring nightmare that David Lynch would be impressed by.

Good dreams

Bad dreams

Friday, January 21

Stylin' JLo

It's great to see that marriage has helped Jennifer Lopez regain her sense of humour. I like a celebrity who can haphazardly slap on clothing from her own line and laugh at herself together with the rest of the crowd. She was never this self-deprecating during the days of Bennifer. That sour bloaty Ben Affleck sure sucks the fun out any relationship.

I can't quite figure out who is initiating the demand but JLo clothing has recently made its debut in Hong Kong. Imagining myself as part of the target demographic (with corresponding taste or lack thereof) I picked out some matching separates from her collection.

Mischievous red mesh top, vampy yet retaining a hint of modesty. It says, I'll probably sleep you on the first date but only if you use protection.

Riviera silk herringbone pants. Not the French or Italian Riviera. Nor the Swiss or Spanish Riviera. Not even Diego Riviera. What the hell kind of Riviera are we talking about here?

Some things require a group effort so I'd appreciate some help from you on choosing a watch from the JLo collection. If I'm going to support her fashion endeavours I might as well do it in the gaudiest way possible.

Mink watch in pink or white? Black is a bit too pubic for my liking.

Key design elements are the reptilian skin and 2 chambered heart of a cold animal like a fish. Again, Jennifer poking fun at herself.

A watch that has extra sensory appendages, or feelers if you like, that sniff out the next money-making opportunity for you.
There's also one more accessory that's missing but I can't exactly pinpoint it right now. Ah yes, right there under her ears.

No, not the gold hoops. It's all about the freshly disinterred corpse.

Thursday, January 20

Prosperity Pals

Remember the Mascot with No Name?

I went through all the proposals and even visited that site of Viking names that was suggested. It was a very enlightening exercise that left me with a greater appreciation of the Norse nomenclature. It's always good to put a name to the warrior who razed your village to the ground and violated your womenfolk.

Up until the last moment, Hyndla (little bitch) was the frontrunner but in the end I settled for Munnridda. It translates into Mouth Rider and those words really encapsulate what attracted me to it in the first place. Here is Munnridda, nameless no longer, giving me spirit tentacles.

I have decided against allocating Munnridda a gender because it is no more a woman than a man, sort of like Chloe Sevigny. Although Munnridda has a North European flavour, its look was actually based on the jarring aesthetics of a Cantopop star:

The resemblance is downright staggering. I have previously mentioned Kelly Chen on this blog in connection with her success as a Dior & McDonalds spokesmodel. The two companies go well together since Dior probably provides the clown costumes for Ronald McDonalds around the world. In 2005 Kelly continues her association with McDonalds and has even been awarded a VIP card for a lifetime supply of McDonald's food. How inappropriate. Would you give the Pope a lifetime supply of condoms?

When I saw the photo below, there was a sharp intake of breath as I seethed with jealousy.

The scarf! How did she get in possession of such cuteness? I quickly went to the HK McDonalds site and found that the Prosperity Pals are available for sale separately. Collect all 12 (except for the snake which I thought was an unappetising piece of broccoli..dragon looks crap too)! And make your own Super Size Me documentary in the process!

You can also click on your animal sign to find out what 2005 has in store for you. However you will be more disappointed by the predictions than by the poor construction of the Prosperity Pals seen up close. It's all just the same trite advice whatever animal sign you are and be summarised thusly:
Career - slave your guts out, don't bitch about your colleagues, become the most dullest person in the office
Wealth - the personal saving rate of HK households is at an all time low. The government wants you to do something about it.
Health - have a balanced diet on weekdays but relax on weekends by drinking like a fish. Stay fit by taking up poledancing classes. Or by stretching out to put dollar bills in pole dancers' g strings.
Love - love the one you're with. Not the one who you could have been with if you hadn't accidentally knocked up or been knocked up by the one you're with.

Although the Prosperity Pals are attainable at great cost to our arteries, I'm still envious of Kelly. Where can I get my McDonald's rickshaw with free coolie thrown in. *pout*

And those killer boots too! Hyndla.

Wednesday, January 19

Street Hustlers

Nowadays it's impossible to get from Point A to Point B without being hustled. Today I tried going the long way to avoid getting papercuts from pamphlet thrusters. But I was swooped on by property agents in identical black suits, buzzcuts and square-rimmed glasses. These magpies were on a mission to find me luxury accommodation with water views. Do I look like I can afford a condo? I can barely scrape together this month's rent after having spent most of it on half-price Prada shoes. So I flailed around, doing my best Tippi Hedren impression until they returned to their ominous roostings.

On the next block, I was accosted by a group of teens in identical shellsuits. One of them cutely implored me to sign up for a laser/liposculpting/lifting of droopy bits package. I was running late otherwise I would have hiked up my skirt and ordered Little Miss Impudence to acknowledge the tautness of my rump. Combined with the noise from the giant tv screens overhead and the smell of decay from the nearby gutter, I nearly had a goddamn seizure. If I wanted to experience a sensory overload I would do it in the comfort of my own home by setting the Hasselhoffian Recursion as my screensaver.

I know these sales flunkies are just doing their job but I can't stop for simply anyone waving me down like a mad hitchhiker. I have standards you know! For example I will stop for anyone offering refreshments like soothing green tea.

I'd probably stop for shelled reptiles in drag promoting specialty turtle soup cafes. If only to wonder when was the last time I heard the word "Cowabunga!".

I wouldn't pay much attention to something that teaches children to lock up their pocketmoney in low interest-bearing deposits with hidden bank fees. Anyway it ran freaked and bolted when I ran up screaming "Five Dollar!! Me love you long time!!"

I'd definitely stop for model Rosemary Vandenbroucke (what a fantastic surname, it would make a perfect title for a Van Helsing sequel...come to think of it just having a Van Helsing sequel would be pure perfection) being Lady Godiva'd down the street in a bubble bath.

She might not even be selling anything. She might be taking her new bathtub for a test bath and test drive at the same time. What do you think Rosemary is promoting? Please limit your guesses to uneducated ones.

UPDATE: Bid for celebrity-designed teddy bears on Ebay to Save the Children. I have to say, I expected a bit more from the Linda Blair one.

Tuesday, January 18

I Stole Brad

2004 was the year of the celebrity wife t-shirts. Back then, it was the height of fashion to be seen wearing a Mrs Garcia-Bernal t-shirt. That trend has passed into the night like so many others before it. Nameplate necklaces, side ponytails, the Para Para Dance Craze, to name a few. Imagine if you will, a short trumpet fanfare because 2005 has ushered in a new era of the celebrity husband-stealer t-shirts.

But the media-bloated corpse of Brad and Jen's marriage isn't even cold yet, you cry while circling overhead with your fellow vultures. When I tried to order mine, it only came in 2 sizes: Angelina Jolie regular and Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider.

Don't spend away the trust fund all at once. I can sense a further deluge of slogans on the way:
1. I Ovulate for Brad
2. Brad is my Lobster
3. Mrs Pitt the much Younger
4. Snatch, not just a Brad Pitt movie
5. A Dingo Stole Brad's Baby!

Blog of the day: Melbourne Human Female is nominated as Best Australian Personal Blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.

Monday, January 17

Inaugural Wardrobe

The design sketches for Laura Bush's inaugural wardrobe is a study in conservative glamour that fails to elicit any kind of reaction from me. But what if Kimberly Jones aka Lil Kim was First Lady? The Western model of democracy would probably come to a crashing end but oh it would be worth it.

Opening Ceremonies Dress

Winter white silk satin dress with multi-coloured grosgrain ribbon paired with timeless fishnet stockings.

Candlelight Dinners Dress

A body-skimming gown in red silk crepe with jewelled details.

Gown for Black Tie & Boots Ball

Combination of a high society chic with biker flair, a look that is deceptively difficult to achieve.

Oath of Office Suit

This shocking violet, hand beaded pantsuit features a wide neckline and softly flounced scalloped trimmings.

The Inaugural Gown

Zebra printed satin chiffon gown layered over pink chiffon with asymmetrical strap. Understated but luxe.

Blog of the day: Balmain Boys Do Cry is nominated as Best New Australian Blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.

Sunday, January 16

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 24

People who carry around sequinned handbags in the daytime irk me somewhat. It's misleading to the general public. It suggests that there is an EVENING party happening when in all actuality there is none to be had.

This lady is ready to rock. With her shiny shiny tote, sheer sleeves and entire contents of a Lifesavers pack (Fizzy Soda flavours to be precise) spilt all over her pants. She could be off to Gothic Disco night at the local community centre. But no, it's only midday and she's wandering around with sequins in broad daylight with NO INTENTION of wrangling an invite.

At least this lady has realised, a little too late, the error of her ways. Here she is making a frantic phone call, trying to start her own festivities.
Oh my god, you guys where are you? I am so psyched, I'm there already. Like literally, just standing right outside. Yeah, the Circle K convenience store. That's where the party's at. It's gonna be sooooo good. You should see me now. I've got on my favourite paisley skirt, you know the one from ETRO's Flamboyant Sperm collection.

And my boots, they are soooo wicked. Like, Wicked Witch of the West wicked. I'll get you my pretties, and your little dog too!!! Hahaha. Oh. No! I didn't mean it like that. I would never hurt your little dog. Ever. OK last time, that was just an accident. Listen, I was just quoting from the movie. That's what the Witch says. I swear.

Whatever, come on, let's get this party started. It's gonna be quite happening by the time you get here, so I'll leave your names with the store clerk. Once you get in, look for the sequinned handbag!

I'm glad we've made it clear that some people on the street are less sociable than they appear. Now, what of the profligates who behave as if there is an unlimited supply of sequins. They oversequin every garment such as hoodie sweatshirts, often to form vulgar expressions of Satanism.

I...I have no words for such people. Except to say, what an excellent day for an exorcism.

Blog of the day: Ausculture is nominated as Best Overall Australian Blog, Best NSW Blog, Best Humourous Australian Blog and Best Australian Collaborative Blog in the 2005 Australian Blog Awards.