Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 7

I'm not with this guy. Really. I don't even know him. I'm just taking a dump here. And..and..I'm not even a dog! Meow? Gah, who am I kidding. SOOO embarrassed right now. This one time, he tried to put a f**king kilt on me. Who's going to sniff my butt while I'm wearing that. Sh*t, this is making me depressed. I haven't humped anybody's leg in aaages. I am so outta here....I'd rather be anywhere else right now. Except maybe China. So not my scene. *Scuffle* *Scuffle* Damn, my fat ass is stuck. Stupid, sexy mooncakes. Maybe you can help me out. Just grab my paw. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? *Sigh* This CANNOT be happening to me.

Achtung Baby

I wonder if proud new daddies Simon of Simonworld and Giles of Sweet Chariots would want a baby stylist. Dressing up babies is fun because you can put them in all kinds of weird outfits and they don't mind too much. Sometimes they might throw a monstrous tantrum but most times they'll just sit there, babble incoherently and gaze around with infantile wonder. Just like supermodels, really.

All the stuff that is available to babies today makes me incredibly envious. When I was a baby, I only had...well, actually my memory doesn't extend that far back. God, I even have trouble remembering the college years of those Saved by the Bell kids. However I did manage to find some interesting baby stuff online and put them in categories that matched my reactions.

TRAGIC

Designer baby goods are just embarrassing and it's hazardous to be introducing monograms to your child at such an early age because it impairs their taste development. In fact you should try and make tacky designer labels as fearful to your child as the boogey man, the monster under the bed and Michael Jackson. So step away from the Gucci carrier, Louis Vuitton diaper bag and Dior milk bottle (even if it does say Diorable). I couldn't find a picture of the Baby Gucci white mink jacket that costs US$4,250 but if anybody has a photo, or even better the jacket itself, please let me know.

THAT IS SOOOOOOOO CUUUUUUUTE!!!

Baby items. Sushi style. Who cares if they're unravelled within minutes of opening and you can never get them to look as cute as when you first opened them. Come on, they're wrapped like sushi rolls! In sushi boxes!

Did you know that covering children's heads increases their cuteness exponentially? In Japan, for example, when they have earthquake drills, kids have to wear flameproof hoods (bosai zukin) because safety and looking cute are given equal priority. I couldn't find them selling outside of Japan but I found the next best thing - hooded towels. They come in almost every animal imaginable and there's even one design that's inspired by the Village People.

AAAAH SCARY

Once you get over the fact that it's for babies and not for transporting livestock to the market, this bamboo walker-stroller thing is really quite sturdy and practical. And extremely soul-crushing for the baby too.

WTF?

When your kid is old to drive, say about 7 years old, then you should get them a mini-car. Don't be stingy, bypass the BMW and get the Ferrari or Lamborghini. It's the only way you are going to establish car supremacy over the Chans and you know it.

Oh and finally, quit making such a fuss over those child pimp and ho costumes. There are parents out there dressing their kids like rats, yo!

CREDITS: The bamboo trolley and Gucci carrier were found through Daddy Types, the weblog for new dads. Best. Daddyblog. Ever.

What, no Mrs Buscemi?

Oh no, terrible news, they have finally made their way to Hong Kong. There's a boutique called Indigo in Staunton St, Soho that stocks several of these celebrity wife tank tops. Not Mrs Federline though, Britney has been the only the one to buy it so far because let's face it there aren't many women out there who like having to pay for their own engagement rings.

Justin Timberlake may already be engaged to Cameron Diaz but that's not going to stop the fangirls from wearing their Mrs Timberlake tank tops in the hope that their bra-ripping falsetto jiving idol doesn't make it down the altar with that melon-mouthed ogress.

After all, there are deluded psychos who still buy Mrs Pitt, Mrs Beckham and Mrs Depp clothing even though these celebrities have been married for several years and have generated celebrity spawn. Well, Brad and Jennifer haven't had any children yet but they constantly talk about it as if they mean to and their relationship is based on the safest foundation that any celebrity marriage could ever have - matching hair. As for the Beckhams, wouldn't Bored of the Beckhams clothing be more appropriate?

If you do a google search, you can find plenty of similarly styled clothing and accessories for just about any male celebrity. Why any girl would want to marry some of them is beyond me:
Ben Affleck - he eats babies and is in love with Matt Damon.
George Clooney - he is also in love with Matt Damon.
Ashton Kutcher - he can help you through menopause as he does with Demi Moore by saying stuff like "Dude, where's your oestrogen?"
Colin Farrell - I thought leprechauns are supposed to be lead you to gold, not a plethora of STDs and paternity cases.

I was severely disappointed that there weren't any Mrs Buscemi items but I found a place that offers customised tops so all is right with the world again. There isn't any celebrity husband clothing on sale but guys can do their share of namedropping with this type of t-shirt. Contact Ju$t Another Rich Kid for more designs - they might even make you a customised version if you have some social importance.

Shoes Maketh the Woman

Many women, including myself, collect shoes like how Mia Farrow collects orphan children. Women ALWAYS need new shoes. It's as simple as that so don't ask stupid questions like "don't you already have 10 pairs of black shoes?" or "what's wrong with wearing that pair of shoes again?".

This sort of thing can be disconcerting to some guys but not to Alastair Shrimpton who blogs his wife's shoes. His wife has the sort of job that dreams are made of, a job in a French fashion house which has allowed her to acquire over 400 pairs of shoes. We're not talking about crappy Nine West stuff, these shoes are the real designer deal. Once you buy shoes that come with their own little dust bags, you really can't go back. Each day, he puts up an entry about a specific pair with interesting background information about the shoe and the designer. It's the ultimate act of man-woman love I've seen on the internet so far.

Many shoe brands obviously want to encourage men to take their women shoe-shopping. Why else would shoe ads be filled with so many breasts and thighs of the non-KFC variety. For example, Skechers (makers of casual and sports shoes) featured Christina Aguilera in their latest ad campaign. Taking advantage of the fact that her name is an anagram of Hi! Slut in a Carriage, they put Christina in various did I just see that scenarios including:
1. naughty nurse prepares to inject phallic needle into patient;
2. repressed teacher prepares to administer discipline with phallic ruler to naughty student who likes to insert things into her mouth; and
3. dominatrix cop prepares to handcuff and frisk street criminal who is conveniently bent over.

The ads aren't as controversial as Jenny McCarthy's Candies shoe ad (not safe for work) back in the 1990s but I've seen covers of hard core porn DVDs that are tamer than them.

In Australia there is a shoe designer called Terry Biviano who is sometimes hailed as the Aussie Manolo Blahnik (but she definitely looks more Monica Bellucci than Manolo Blahnik). If straight men went to her fashion shows, they would be pleasantly surprised to find very little shoe but lots of scantily clad girls on horseback, fit female acrobats and skirts being blown up.

So the message for today is that men should take more interest in their wives' or girlfriends' shoes. There's a whole new world of fan service waiting to be explored.

Dear Spirit Fingers

Why do I get all the tough questions? I recently received this cry for help in my inbox:

hi Ms Spirit,
why are all Brit guys bald and tattooed at the age of 30. I'm a normal
Brit, 51 yrs old NO tattoos and I have hair. Is there something wrong
with me?
Confused,
Wanchai

First of all, I'm neither British nor familiar with this place you all endearingly refer to as Mud Island so this is news to me. Do you mean to tell me that most British guys over 30 don't look like Hugh Grant, Colin Firth or Ewan McGregor? Well, that was bloody disappointing. Next thing, you'll be saying that not all British guys sound as velvety as Alan Rickman.

Back to your first question. Well I think being bald just makes it easier to put your outfit and accessories together. See, it even goes with a tambourine.

As for tattoos, they are useful because they help to identify your countrymen when you are overseas. I heard that you don't even need to carry your passport along when you travel to and fro - one of these will do. Lots of British women have tattoos as well and they're not afraid to show them off. Being bald AND tattooed creates an extra element of mystery that can be attractive to women. It's a look that asks: Could I really be one of those stereotypical racist misogynistic homophobic yobs? Why don't you get closer to me to find out?

But don't feel left out if you have never experienced any of these things. Always remember that you are unique just like everyone else. If you keep worrying about whether there's something wrong with you, then your hair will really fall out and you'll feel obliged to get a tattoo. Next thing you know you'll get banned from your local pub for wearing Burberry, and wake up in a gutter one morning with beer stains down the front of your shirt and clutching a piece of broken glass. Besides, in fashion, there is no right or wrong - just gorgeous, meh or fugly.

Chop Sucky

In case you haven't noticed, Michelle Yeoh is going through some kind of mid-life crisis. This is the only reason I can think of to explain her recent eagerness to fling her dignity so violently away as if it was a minor bad guy in one of her action movies.

At Louis Vuitton's 150th anniversary party in Hong Kong in April this year, she turned up in the form of a vapid twentysomething socialite down at the Congo in search of crocodiles and anacondas she could take home with her to make into handbags. Michelle, I know that nobody had the guts to tell you otherwise in case you gave them one of your lethal roundhouse kicks but seriously, if even Beyonce can't rock the look then nobody can. A few months before that, she also appeared at the MTV Asia Awards dressed like the proprietoress of Madam Yeoh's House of Crotchless Tiger Panties and Hidden Drag Queens. Geez woman, you're supposed to kick ass, not dress like ass!

The decline must have started some time after her movie The Touch which she starred in and co-produced with her boyfriend Thomas Chung. I don't remember what the movie was about but I do know that it was over an hour of my life that I can never get back. She and Thomas decided to give it another go with Silverhawk which was released earlier this year. Just by looking at the photo below I can tell the movie sucked so hard that the entire Great Wall of China could disappear into its vortex of suckage in a nanosecond.



Ah poor Luke Goss, life was so much better when all you had to do was brood soulfully in those Bros music videos and take your top off every now and then. When will I will I be famous? Never, if you continue to star in dreck like this.

Since then Michelle has split with her producer (if indeed he is even worthy of that title) boyfriend and taken up with Ferrari boss Jean Todt. The best thing Michelle could say about her new boyfriend is that he is a very nice person. That's the sort of thing you say when you're trying to reject someone who you find totally disgusting. Ummm, you're a very nice person BUUUUUUT [insert line about how you're not ready to commit to a relationship, it's not them..it's you and anyway you think of them as a sibling]. What the incompetent newspapers didn't report was the whole of Michelle's statement which went like this:
I'm not sure if I want to become Mrs Toad, oops I mean Todt but he makes me feel really young. The age difference between us is only 16 years which is negligible by celebrity standards when I stand next him I look barely legal and that's what counts. Oh and really, he's a very nice person.

Why is all of this happening to a woman who can kick ass like nobody's business? It could be due to the dreaded Bond girl curse - after all, Teri Hatcher's face has gone into a terrifying meltdown, Denise Richards had to perpetuate the Sheen dynasty and Halle Berry, well we all know about Halle Berry. Hopefully Michelle can redeem herself in Memoirs of a Geisha. She might even get to slap Zhang Ziyi around. Any actress who does that earns my undying appreciation.

You Like, You Buy Vol 3

I'm such a sucker for websites featuring cute cartoon characters even if one of them is a lobotomised bear. I was expecting some fancy chocolate shop at first but it turns out that Chocolate Rain creates handmade jewellery. Maybe the name suggests that it's sweet in small doses but too much of it will make you look like you're covered in crap.

Some of the designs are bordering on gaudy but there's a heap of pretty, sparkly beaded goodness that had me hunched over the keyboard whispering "My preciousss...we wantsss it!". It's probably worth dropping into one of their shops for a spot of F & O (fingering and ogling).

Chocolate Rain also offers a wedding package which includes designing jewellery, invitation cards and decorations. Anything that tries to raise the taste level from the depths of tackiness that the Hong Kong bridal industry is currently in gets 2 thumbs up and a nod.

Their Dream Club invites you to draw from the wisdom of Albert Einstein and learn to make your own baubles, trinkets and shiny things. Some of the students' creations are quite interesting which makes you wonder what sort of stuff they get to smoke at these DIY sessions. I'd like to sign up for some of these classes but the last time I handled a pair of pliers and sidecutters, someone got terribly hurt. Man, those anger management classes were such a waste of time.