Give me spirit fingers dammit!!
The Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough.
Saturday, July 1
Friday, June 30
The defining stages of HK pop stardom
You'd think that if you were Joey Yung, one of the most popular Hong Kong Cantopop stars ever to walk the earth, and Madame Tussaud was going to bestow upon you the ultimate honour of creating a waxy clone, you would ask that it be dressed in something less tartany, less shiny, less WTF even. Good job on the flat stomach though.
But in all fairness, the costume was modelled after something actually worn before and that something takes gold encrusted clothes to a whole new level. I hate it when pantsuits are so heavy that you can only wear a bra top instead of a proper blouse underneath, lest you topple off the stage and die from the sheer weight and embarrassment of it all.
If the sumptuous finery above is an allusion to her having reached a career pinnacle, let's see how her other trademark outfits have come to represent the defining stages in her career.
Becoming a sex symbol
Many will fondly remember the time when she went from girl next door to vampy femme fatale, as all female pop stars of mateable age do. Suddenly she was wearing nothing apart from a strategically placed assortment of live bats.
But disaster struck when she was bombarded with cosmic radiation during the filming of a skin-whitening ad gone awry, which caused most of her hair to fall out but temporarily gifted her with terrifying and uncontrollable magnetic powers. People could not help but whisper about her "mutantness" behind her back.
Massive drop in popularity
With her beautiful hair gone (but her sense of style intact), Joey found her fan base severely eroded. She was relegated to performing in tattered and ill-fitting clothing in low-rating variety shows that screen in the middle of the night when all the old people who normally enjoy such shows are already fast asleep.
Public service campaign
Keen to return to her glory days, Joey embarked on an aggressive campaign to win her fans back through the power of celebrity activism. During her environmental phase, Joey found new ways to recycle wooden chopsticks, shredded documents and Ronald McDonald wigs.
Descent into bad girl lifestyle
However all the civic-mindedness was just a fleeting phase and Joey soon reverted to her irresponsible ways, wearing environmentally unsound leather shorts and damning several endangered species of woolly creatures to extinction by flaunting their balls of yarn in public. Nevertheless she was back at the top of her game and well on the way to becoming enshrined in waxy eternity.
Next update: Monday 3 July
Wednesday, June 28
Discovering new horizons
Did you know that more than 70% of the world is covered in water? This means plenty of opportunities for scuba diving, snorkelling and last but not least naval exploration! What a great opportunity for the modern man to trace the great voyages of his intrepid forebearers only now, he can do it in his favourite designer clothes from Milan!
Before you start your mammoth expedition, you will need to find funding from deep-pocketed sources, just like in the old days. You can't just buy magnificent vessels and skilled crews on the cheap from craigslist you know! Whether it's your parents or sugar mummy/daddy or some other person who you're trying to mooch off, be sure to show up looking your most professional. The hat should be at the right angle, the tie looking sharp and your blazer must be pristine and crisp, like the hefty cheques your benefactor should be writing out in your name.
Time to leave the dock for some serious circumnavigation! Prepare to set sail in a white suit that's calming but dignified enough for a man on an important mission, one even more important than being groom at a beach wedding.
These structured pyjamas are perfect for nightly walks about the deck. Following which, you can retire to your cabin with a sextant and a good travel guidebook or even better, a DVD which relives the entire first season of Lost.
No legendary voyage would be complete without an encounter with the scourge of the high seas, those dreaded pirates who are far more dangerous than the ones peddling counterfeit luxury goods in a side lane. Put on your fancy eyepatch (the one that converts into a lip gloss compact with mirror), chunky belt with the cute seahorses on it and floral sarong and show them who's man!
You can never pack too many of these billowing shirts and comfy breeches, even if it means using up precious cargo space devoted to oranges and lemons. Scurvy be damned, at least the long sleeves and pants will cover up any body sores.
At long last, land is ahoy in all its glory! No more shuffleboard! But what to wear to meet the natives? The best advice is to play it casual so you don't intimidate them into skewering you like an olive with pimento filling, but slightly dressy so these savages know they're dealing with someone who appreciates the cut of a well-tailored jacket.
As for the natives, there is precious little for them to do other than stand back and accept the inevitability that they're about to be colonised by a group of strangers with a refined sense of style. All they can hope for is that their new masters come bearing gifts of 5th generation iPods.
Next update: Friday June 30
Monday, June 26
Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 51
Heat absorption can be such a pain during the summer months. But with some energy-efficient cooling techniques, your day will pass by like the ultimate deodorant ad. Wearing reflective colours will not only help you stay cool but will reflect heat onto other people so that they suffer at your expense.
To illustrate, I followed this lady as she tottered down the street at breakneck pace. After a couple of blocks I had decided that marathon running was not for me and was near ready to pass out from heat exhaustion. In contrast my quarry had barely broken a sweat, swathed as she was in her layers of silvery insulation. This could be the beginning of the end for air conditioning. This could be the beginning of people walking about like a Wizard of Oz character in search of a heart.
Now onto questions of diversification and risk. Besides silver, should you also be including some gold in your collection? In these times of fashion uncertainty, yes yes you should. Hoard it like you would the precious metal itself, and make sure you tighten all drawstrings securely so it doesn't slip off your body.
Next update: Wednesday 28 June