Friday, August 11

Onerous concert guidelines

Onerous concert guidelines placed on foreign artists by Malaysian authorities

Female and male artists must keep crotch-to-crotch distances to a minimum of 5 inches when performing onstage together.

There is to be no unnecessary displays of flesh or dilly-dallying on staircases.

Obvious fake wigs are banned as they distract audience attention away from the substance of the performance.

Please refrain from reaching out to wring the necks of your audience members.

All maracas must be kept high where the authorities can see them, not hidden deep in the folds of tight shiny pants.

Simulating frozen embryo transfer procedures does not constitute an approved dance move.

Due to space restrictions, each male concertgoer is limited to bringing two females inside. Female companions must be accompanied on separate leashes.

Next update: Monday 15 August

Wednesday, August 9

You can't have your doughnut and eat it too

Look up the definition of mental anguish in the dictionary and you will find this picture. While Krispy Kreme churns out its Hot Original Glazed (TM) goodness in nearby Hong Kong, this boy is wasting away at the tritely named OK Slim summer camp.

But let's look on the bright side. It is money well spent. For $825 (that's about 80 boxes of doughnuts) your son will learn to kick higher than a can-can dancer.

Once they show the promise, the happy campers are coralled into learning tightly choreographed routines ripped from the set list of Madonna's Confessions tour.

Soon each one will be a mini-mass of rippling muscle who can do 10,000 pushups in a few hours. Athletic scholarships will beat a path to your door, even though your kid has a higher testosterone level than a Tour de France champion.

Don't even start with me, young man. If you think those weights are unbearable then wait till you see what's in store in Week 4.

So what's it going to be, little boy? Doughnuts or rock hard abs? Choose carefully because one will lead you down the path of Val Kilmer.

Next update: Friday 11 August

Monday, August 7

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 53

In this fair city, a picture may be worth a thousand words but a few random words strung together provide an immeasurably valuable insight into the human condition, especially when they are on a t-shirt. What you are about to see may not make perfect sense but it probably means you need to work on your comprehension skills a little bit more.

This top awaits the firm muscular strong-jawed body of a strapping lass. She is tired of being forced into the dainty and feminine frippery of modern casualwear. But at the same time she is not beyond using ornate cursive script to proclaim her inherent masculinity.

She lost me at "here" but by using advanced GPS technology I managed to find my way to the end of the second sentence. It reads like the unfinished manuscript of something that had shades of greatness, something that a washed-out celebrity could have written in their rehab memoirs.

So stylish that one can overcome the immutable laws of spelling and grammar! Kids these days and their lack of education *sigh* It's spelt c-a-r-n-a-l not carnival!

This is what happens when you cross wacky Japanese stationery with personal ads. However the only people who meet up in this way are (a)relentlessly optimistic and (b)12 years old.

Now that this long-hidden statement of truth is now out there in the open, we can discuss it more freely. To every boy who's been duped into thinking that a girl liked him, now you know that spending time in the backseat of your car was more about enjoying the leather upholstery and suspension capabilities than getting to third base.

Next update: Wednesday 9 August