Friday, August 18

Miss Teen Cosplay 2006

Perfectly rehearsed answers given by cosplay contestants to standard pageant questions

What bothers you most about what is happening in the world today?

The greatest threat we face comes from the alternate universe known as the Negaverse. Even as we speak, monsters from the Negaverse have infiltrated our world and are terrorising innocent citizens. Queen Beryl is gathering her evil armies to launch a devastating attack upon Earth, leaving it a barren wasteland just like the original Moon Kingdom whence I hail. If I win this competition I will make it my priority to defeat the forces of evil and save the world from almost-certain destruction!

Many people believe that we still live in a male-dominated society. Have you ever wished you were of the opposite sex?

Ew no, because boys are gross and klutzy and hairy in bad way. If I was a guy I wouldn't have such nice soft pink hair and I couldn't make with the glistening eyes and cute high-pitched voice to get what I want. And I think I would just roll over and die if I wasn't able to wear panties and provide the occasional fan service.

What do you want to achieve in life?

I look forward to the day where I can soar the majestic skies, basking in the exhilarating freedom of floating among the clouds, and raining down candy and diamonds on the landbound mortals below. Ha ha, then will I no longer be known as a Victoria's Secret chick with blue hair.

What is the most important thing you have learnt from this competition?

This whole experience has been a tremendous learning curve for me. I now know that it's better to be overdressed than underdressed for these things. One of the judges also tossed me a nugget of wisdom - "Bunny-girls are a dime a dozen," he said and I will certainly remember that one for next time.

What special quality could you bring to the title you are competing for tonight?

No doubt there are some very special girls here tonight and everyone is unique in their own way. However I challenge you to find someone who can bellydance their way into the hearts of homeless people and enthrall them into forgetting about their cold and miserable existence on the streets.

What quality do you like most about yourself and why?
My unwavering faith in a pair of tissue-wrapped oranges to lead me towards success. It helps me to stand out from the crowd, especially when that crowd includes a dude in a bright red donkey suit.

How will you make a difference to this world?

Clearly I am destined for greatness and the choices made during my quests will have an immeasurable impact on the future of society. Furthermore my sword has untold powers which I can invoke to reawaken the long lost race of magnificent dragons. Finally, I will usher in heralded era of world peace by fulfilling an ancient prophecy and go on to become Mariah Carey's personal stylist.

Why do you want to win this title?

The elven blood coursing through my veins has gifted me with a ruthlessly competitive streak and a relentless need to engage in CV-building extracurricular activities. Besides, I didn't spend 5 hours in makeup to be beaten by a bimbo who stuffs fruit down her tank top.

Next update: Sunday 20 August

Wednesday, August 16

The case for fashion belts

It took me god knows how long to achieve mastery of the belt as a fashion accessory, and I expect that it will take you the same amount of time too. Most people view the fashion belt with trepidation and rightly so. It strains disapprovingly against your stomach as you reach for dessert. It creates an extra obstacle when nature calls, turning a lavatory routine into a desperate race against time. It also has this annoying way on creeping up on you until you're practically up to your armpits in belt.

But don't let all of this steer you into the pure folly of trying to get by without a belt. What may appear to be a minor omission has the potential to end up looking so so very wrong like below:

Once you have accepted the belt into your daily regimen it will make perfect sense. It will be the first thing you reach for in your wardrobe. It will be the first thing you slip over your still-weary body, even before your underwear.

Things that you wore in the "pre-belt" era will seem dim and fuzzy and not worth remembering. No matter how "dressed up" you are, you will feel practically undressed without a belt to complete your outfit.

And if you happened to score an invite to a Miami Vice premiere, then wouldn't you want to wear something bright and eyecatching for Mr Farrell? The man is always looking for new challenges, new items of female apparel that he can undo in a matter of seconds.

This young damsel has been using hers as a chastity belt following her public vow to remain celibate for a year. Legend has it that it will fall apart upon the touch of a true and handsome Greek prince aboard a fancy yacht.

For men, belts no longer have to match their socks and shoes. What's more important is that they rapidly flash different colours and emit pulverising gamma rays because the office can get intense that way.

Next update: Friday August 18

Monday, August 14

Robots you need to have at some point in the future

As adolescence draws to a close, a young man's fancy lightly turns from 1.5 metre Gundam robots to machinery of the more feminine persuasion. How lucky we are to live in an age where fembots are no longer the stuff of late night fantasies.

Meet Rong Cheng, the Chinese robot who has already been widely feted for her beauty and limited intelligence. Rong boasts the sort of beauty you get after using one too many skin-whitening creams. Her delicate features framed against a smooth, white and hard exterior are very reminiscent of movie star Nicole Kidman. In terms of life skills though, the robot is infinitely more versatile. She responds to 1000 Chinese words, she bows, she dances, and best of all she cracks open a nice cold beer without the aid of a bottle opener.

So lifelike are her attributes that it is difficult to remember that under all that vibrant & womanly tulle lies a bunch of wires and circuits. The effect can be quite jarring when seeing the woman of your dreams being disassembled for routine maintenance but no less shocking than say, witnessing the normal wear and tear of a female celebrity.

Besides female robots, it seems that in the future we're going to be having a lot more concierge robots as well. This bodes well because it means that rather than wreaking havoc and destruction upon each other, men will be more concerned about scoring hard-to-get restaurant tables and theater tickets to impress their robot dates. Roboconcierge may not be as sleek and lethal as T1000 but he will be able to arrange for the best seats on Broadway even if he has to go back in time to do so.

Finally if your tastes run to female simians, good news is at hand because Beijing University has come up with a fetchingly hairy chimpanzee robot.

The unattractive pink tracksuit is a dead giveaway that she is merely a prototype but as future models evolve, we can expect to see more leg and French manicured nails.

Next update: Wednesday 16 August 2006