Friday, September 15

OMG she copied me!

What to do when someone else at the pool is wearing the same swimming costume as you

Tilt your head ever so slightly, smile stiffly and stare vacantly in the distance as if nothing untoward has happened

Use every ounce of energy to keep pretenders to your style throne at arms-length and preferably underwater

Flip her over to find out whether she is merely wearing an inferior knockoff and should be mocked accordingly

Point and shout "Hey look over there!" before making a dash for it.

Overreact with fake astonishment and joy, then loudly compliment each other's impeccable style and taste in theatrical tones

Try to make yourself stand out through some high-fashion moves and really "own the look".

Cry out desperately to the heavens above "Oh Lord why have you done this to me? Why hast thou forsaken me? Why?!?!?"

Next update: Monday 18 September

Wednesday, September 13

I feel pretty oh so pretty

A lot of men seem to think that they can do most things better than women. They are probably right because most of the time we are suffering from PMS, menstrual cramps, uncontrollable mood swings and random emotions in order to perform simple tasks effectively.

In fact I wouldn't be surprised if men were better at being women than women were themselves. Desperate to prove their superiority in every arena possible, men have been buying into virtual feminisation. Through these services a man can find out how hotter he is than his girlfriend or wife, and perhaps even dump them for himself! Here are some examples of very successful makeovers that drew gasps of amazement.

"Claire" wanted her overall look to be feminised but at the same time she wanted to retain her strong physique and broad shoulders. The result was impressive - with this picture alone she was able to convince a not so well-known actor to leave his pregnant girlfriend and chase a gangly fantasy.

The client in this instance was worried that he would end up looking too girly rather than womanly. Once they removed the Adam's apple and managed to work in the fabulously b*tchy expression the rest was history.

Going through a rough patch with your mother who's being difficult about your inheritance money? Show mum a pic of the daughter she never had and get her all emotionally choked up while you try to get the court to declare her legally incapacitated or incompetent.

This client was very pleased with her softer, fuller features and requested romantic, tousled hair to match. Jada says, "Fantastic! I hope this is what I look like after upping my daily dosage of oestrogen".

Watch as pair of good mates turn into a pair of best girlfriends forever! They share designer gowns, party drugs and fierce attitudes.

Or you can be the only belle of the ball if you so please. See if you can guess which figure above has been subtly tampered with and which is the real woman.

Next update: Friday 15 September

Monday, September 11

You Like, You Buy Vol 47

Hey there new parents, one day your precious bundle of joy is going to grow up, fly the roost and get married. If you let the years fritter away, you will have naught when it comes time to drag out the embarrassing baby pictures at family reunions and at the obligatory wedding powerpoint slideshow. Or if you were smart, you would have lugged baby and sundry down to for a gloriously tacky photo shoot that will still retain its tackiness in years to come.

If your family line has a genetic disposition to excessively large and protruding ears you can tempt fate with a set of Dumbo ears. Then when your kid does end up having a miserable childhood being taunted mercilessly by schoolmates for the size of their ears, oh how we will laugh and nod at your remarkable foresight.

Even if your baby is blessed with perfect features, you can still pay extra to manipulate the camera angles. What are parents for if not to trick everyone else into thinking that their kid is a giant foreheaded freak of nature.

Here is the obligatory invasion of privacy shot that should put your child off using public lavatories for life.

Customers who opt for the platinum package gain access to a higher quality designer wardrobe. These special pieces are sourced from drag queen gear supplier and Sex and the City stylist Patricia Field.

The reality is that many babies remain unimpressed by the remarkable work of Anne Geddes. Some roll their eyes and sigh loudly, some curl their lips condescendingly, but the well behaved ones just shut their mouths really tightly to keep the bile from flowing out.

This is a great way to freak out children, much better than the taking away a lollipop technique. Dress them up in bright red and yellow and give them a long-handled implement to hold. They will think that they are in for a lifetime of flipping burgers at McDonald's.

So don't waste anytime and hurtle your perambulator in the direction of Just one more tip for the uninitiated - despite what people may tell you, nobody ever likes the bee costume.

Next update: Wednesday 13 September