Saturday, February 19

Hirsutewatch II

The race is on among some of the most talented actors of our generation! It's hard to believe that only less than 2 years ago, Daniel Day-Lewis had the same amount of facial hair as an Oscar statuette:

But what has the reclusive actor done since then? Well, he's been quietly making a bid for the World Beard and Moustache Championships and learnt to tie a silk cravat:

He's also planning to lead a polar expedition staffed entirely of urban teens. Where my huskie bitches be at?

That's quite a performance that Daniel's whiskers have put on so far but beware the trappings of false complacency. On the other side of the world, a promising up and comer reveals himself:

Go Chow Yun Fat! Do it for Hong Kong! Do it for fans of HK action cinema! Hell, do it even for the people who paid to watch you teach Stifler to save the world.

Friday, February 18

Inappropriate body parts

Update: internet was inexplicably down last night so that's why there were no new posts. I pay, I don't know how much, a sum of money for it to be available to me whenever I want. It's my gigolo on call! And he didn't show last night! Very disappointed.

Body parts that should not be shown at work because they decrease productivity
If I can see your knees, then your skirt is too damn short. Or you should put on some damn pants instead of parading around in underwear. The skin around adult knees tends to be rough, wrinkled and saggy. Seeing a colleague's knees is basically seeing the least attractive part of them, or having a glimpse of what they look like soaking for hours in their own filth in the bath. The worst possble start to the day.

Lack of boob cleavage
Only women who are built like my trusty busty mousepad have license to carry a partially unconcealed rack. Where only sternum exists, keep your necklines respectable. Does a poor man walk around with an empty wallet hanging out his back pocket? Besides, they never give away prizes at office parties for being the human xylophone.

Armpit hair
It wasn't ok when Julia Roberts or Drew Barrymore did it, so it's definitely ok when you do it. Just talking about it triggers memories of the worst dessert I ever had - coconut cake at a restaurant called Via Quadronno. Technically it was coconut cake but texturally it was no different to a mouthful of armpit hair, or possibly even pubic hair. I might add that this sensation was an entirely new experience to me. Nevertheless it made me understand why some people appreciate a shaved armpit and Brazilian waxes for that matter.

Blemished backs
You probably have no idea what's going on back there. How convenient for you. Here's an update: sebaceous glands have taken over the area and are out of control! The site still bears marks left behind by violent eruptions. I've named the larger ones after minor celebrities and which allows me to play a mental game of connecting the dots in a six degrees of separation way. Oh and the moles, the stories I could tell you about them. I've been watching one in particular, it doesn't look normal and has been acting suspiciously.

For all intents and purposes, treat them like internal organs. I assume that all ten of them exist and are in proper working order so there's no need to display them. And what is with painting them with little flowers and delicate scenery like a series of world class murals. Did you have to get a government grant to fund that? Glittery decalled toenails are a huge problem. It means that I actually have to look at you when we pass in a corridor that's not wide enough to feign not seeing someone coming from the opposite direction.

Being born gummy and staying that isn't a design flaw. So God blessed you with an excess of gum tissue. All the more reason not to neglect them. Sometimes I wish you would be less happy just so you wouldn't have to smile. Because your upper lip has this habit of riding up way above your teeth to reveal that it's been long since you had a dental check-up. I can recommend a good one for your gingival grin. Here's his number, call him to make an appointment. Actually don't bother, just go right into his office. He'll probably drop what he's doing to attend to you, it's that bad.

Wednesday, February 16

Career Limiting Move

Anybody who's ever pretend-perused the business section of the newspaper seems to have a theory about Carly Fiorina's surprise resignation as CEO of Hewlett Packard. Before people start analysing her downfall, they should get their heads out of MBA primers and check out the gossip magazines instead. It's the only way these rookie business commentators are going to be able to form an informed opinion.

I'm not down with all the corporate lingo like "differences over how to execute strategy" but I wasn't shocked by the announcement at all. I knew the writing on the wall when I saw this:

Assuming that millions of dollars weren't at stake, the idea of letting Gwen Stefani design a camera is kind of amusing when the woman that can't even be trusted to appear in front of a camera without causing irreparable damage to it. Not content with proclaiming Gwen as HP's hippest product engineer, Ms Fiorani had further ill-conceived plans in mind. Her mastermindery would not be complete until Gwen was installed as the permanent face of HP.

It didn't impress the board that Gwen had thoughtlessly referred to herself as a dork AND a geek when these terms are mutually exclusive. The final straw came when the incompetent ex-CEO proposed a billion dollar ad campaign featuring multiple incarnations of Gwen and familiar HP slogans.

Take photos worth framing.

Can you afford to change?

You are a walking contradiction.

You have millions of colours at your fingertips and you're not afraid to use them.

Everything is possible.

People are talking.

Your PC will never the same again.

Let this be a lesson to all the CEOs who have no plans to cash in their golden handshakes just yet.

Tuesday, February 15

Great strides in panties (Part 2)

UPDATE: The news sites have seen fit to put backless panties back in the headlines again! Well one news site anyway. It turns out that average Gold Coast mum is originally from New Zealand. And that her NZ-based sister who helps out with the business is called Amanda Crack. That name is going to stick in my mind like nothing ever taught in school ever did. In fact I should just stop right now and have a coffee break. I mean, these jokes just write themselves!

Before we move on, I'd like to thank those who sent an email to gloat about what a great time they had on Valentine's Day by themselves. By all accounts it sounded like an Agent Provocateur party for one. A certain young lady even submitted a photo to demonstrate how she enjoyed the company of her mini gilded gramophones.

Who could have imagined that these least phallic of awards could render such a crescendo of pleasure. I'd expect this of an MTV Video Music Award but never a Grammy! Now let's leave Alicia to her own devices and get back to more relevant matters.

Scratch and sniff
Scratch and sniff undies seek to recreate olfactory reminders of the men in our lives. But as usual I'm late to the party because some styles like medium mower man have already sold out. There must be an overwhelming proportion of women in relationships with men who cut grass for a living. There are even discussion forums for these mower groupies with topics like he trimmed my bush and left without saying goodbye!

From a design perspective, it's not clear what the scent patch is made of. It looks to be merely a flimsy sticker. There's no telling how many washes the scent patch is good for. I question whether we are even supposed to wash these panties at all. When the stench of used underwear threatens to envelope you in a fetid fog, reach in and have a bit of scratch. Soon it will be masked by the tangy bbq smell wafting up from your crotch. The smell of slow-cooked meat!

Some of you showed remarkable foresight in yesterday's comments by suggesting the inevitable death of underpants and the use of adhesive panty liners. The last Anti-panti rally I attended got really pumping when the keynote speaker urged the crowds to rise up and throw off the shackles of underpants. It was better than a Tom Jones concert.

The anti-panti is suspiciously similar to a scratch and sniff sticker without the scent-masking ability. For that, I have to deduct points. It is also terribly disappointing to see that the anti-panti comes in only a standard 4 inch size. Yet another failure of the fashion industry to recognise diversity in female body sizes. What becomes of the wideset woman, the woman who uses tampons such as these?

Monday, February 14

Great strides in panties (Part 1)

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope everyone has a fresh pair of underwear on because it makes a good impression on your date. It's right up there with a firm handshake, eye contact and a smile. Even if you don't have anything special planned for tonight (sharing pizza and red wine with cats does not count), imagine how proud your mum will be!

You've finally succumbed to all her nagging about are you wearing clean underwear today, make sure you're wearing clean underwear in case you're in an accident, do you have enough clean underwear, you know how much dirty underwear disgusts me, ohhh dirty like the minds of young men nowadays and those cheap girls with their lipstick and boozy cleavages who want to soil innocent boys..ohhhh I refuse to speak of such disgusting things, they disgust me so!!!!!. Oh mum, she isn't quite herself today. She just goes a little mad sometimes. Oh, but she's harmless. She's as harmless as one of those stuffed birds. Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly.

So as I was saying, if you only change your underwear once a year then make today, the most romantic of days, that day. On that note, let's take a look at what great strides are being made in panty design. We live in a time of enormous progress and panties are no exception. Basic thongs & g-strings have already things of the past, the dinosaurs of unmentionables.

Backless lingerie
Back in August 2004 I read the heartwarming story of how a Gold Coast couple invented the backless g-string. I think they are being a tad humble in referring to themselves as an average Mum & Dad. There is nothing average about a Mum who has a visible g-string problem, a Dad who allows Mum to have this problem and parents who don't realise from the piles of festering jeans fermenting in the laundry basket that their daughters have been freebagging it like duhh.

It all went quiet for a little bit but now they've finally got backing! Financial backing that is, for the panties remain backless at But patent standards have slipped quite a bit because there is no magic in these design-protected backless panties. This is the same look that can be achieved by pulling down the back half of normal panties in order to moon passersby out of a car window. And leaving the panties half off because the breeze is ever so ticklish.

Also, what if you have a flat ass. Those leg bands are assuming a degree of curvature that is often taken for granted by men who like their women airbrushed and straddling things. What is really bothering me though is the model on the far right. It's the strokeable two-tone mane that passes for her hair. It leads me to believe that if the picture was taken at an angle, we would be treated to the unmistakable sight of centaur torso and hindquarters.

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW. That's all the time I have for you today, have to feed rest of pizza to the cats.