Friday, May 19

Of dirndls and panties

I've got a good feeling about Germany's fortunes at this year's World Cup. Even if they don't win, think about all the money they'll make from flogging grassy soccer vests and dioramic headbands. Not only that but some canny designers have made the dirndl more athletic, giving the fraulein something to wear while bending it with Ballack.

When they're tired of swishing around their field in their dainty dresses, all they have to do is lean forward and the crowd goes wild.

Of course the Germans will have stiff competition in the form of South Korea, which you may remember are planning to export their
finest cheerleaders. Have you seen how big their balls are?

The Korean merchandising push is quite possibly the most formidable deployment of resources since the 38th parallel was crossed. We're talking brightly coloured underwear with the "Reds LOVE" slogan emblazoned where people are most likely to look.

Like in the real game, wearing your team colours requires skill and it's mostly in the leg action.

While at the same time keeping your shoulders back and chest out.

I believe you can also collect souvenir orangutans to mark the occasion, fresh from the rainforests of Borneo. There's a jersey-clad one for every team and unsurprisingly the French one is prone to drama.

Another blog to visit: Rhiannon in the Great White North - Here in Canada only a lucky few live in igloos

Thursday, May 18

The clue is in the clothing

Tonight is the night! The Greatest Story Ever Told (ie how they straightened Tom Hanks' hair) will be screening in Hong Kong cinemas from tonight onwards. I dare say I'm clutching my Fleur-de-Lys Cross Key so excitedly it's drawing blood!

But to pierce the flesh effectively, you need one of these babies. You wear the cilice round your upper thigh for two hours and hey presto you're mortified! And I thought mortification meant walking in on your grandparents performing sex rites at the monthly gathering of their secret society.

It may also delight you to know that at the Cannes premiere, some of the important guests paraded down the red carpet in clothes that bore cryptic messages. Needless to say I solved these myself with some help from my Nancy Drew decoder ring.

Here we have Eva Herzigova in a puzzling creation. Notice how the front drape falls between her legs to form a V shape. The V could stand for the female body part the dress is trying to highlight but I don't think it's as simple as that. In fact, it reminds inverted pyramid. I also don't think that it's a coincidence that Eva is Czech.

If you put those two clues together, you get Czech (Check!) the inverted pyramid. But where...there must be thousands, perhaps millions around the world. I think the answer lies in the colour of the bikini-gown. It's a vibrant yellow and when I see yellow I immediately associate it with Chinese people. So, perhaps there is an inverted pyramid in China somewhere..or, even an inverted pyramid designed by a Chinese person. Ohhhhhh they're telling us to check the inverted pyramid designed by IM Pei which means that the Holy Grail is totally buried under Dallas City Hall!

Marianne Faithfull's appearance certainly piqued my curiosity. She's not in the movie but instead has joined the film festival to promote Marie Antoinette. Could this be the producers' way of telling us not to waste our money and to watch her movie instead? No, use your brain cells! "Marie Antoinette" was directed by SOFIA Coppola, the name SOFIA being the password to unlocking the first cryptex.

And what of the young fellow beside her? If you look closely at his sleeves, you'll see a bar code pattern which when scanned, I'm sure will reveal the exorbitant price of such a hideous designer suit.

Have to admit I was quite thrown by this one. Was there a secret message buried within the intricate designs of this perplexing garment? Was the lace woven backwards in Fibonacci code and in mirror form?

Upon deeper reflection I realised that the dress was intentionally see-through in order to reveal the thong. Let's not forget Jesus wore sandal-thongs. Combine that with the mini-series Lace which told the story of a porn star seeking her real MOTHER, and you are looking straight at Mother Mary. Which means that oh my god not only did the Catholic Church orchestrate the whole conspiracy but they also perpetuated the myth that Mary Magdalene was a tacky ho who wore her underwear out in public!

Wednesday, May 17

Tulips and pansies oh my

Yes, it's that time of the year again. When flowers blossom forth from the soil to make fetching head adornments for those of us don't suffer from pollen allergies. If you can turn up the pretty with just a fresh flower in your hair, imagine what a sizeable chunk of your neighbour's prizewinning garden can do.

Took me several seconds to realise it was a ten gallon hat instead of a floral rendition of one of those cars in the "Italian Job". Wearing it will make you cut an imposing figure as you mosey on through the saloon doors, until of course you slowly remove it and ask the bartender "Could you put these in some water?"

What a unique bouquet arrangement! It manages to say "Happy Birthday", "Get out of rehab soon", "Pregnant, again?", "With deepest sympathy that thieves stole your $100,000 Christian Dior Mother's Day basket" and "Congratulations on your prenup!" all at once.

Seriously, a flesh coloured hat and a white thick cottage-cheese like substance? All signs point to a yeast infection. Never mind, when you're done with decorating your head quite tastelessly, don't be afraid to show off the blooms elsewhere as well.

And if you think you're way way too rough and coarse to wear these precious blossoms, think again! You'll find that they elegantly wrap around one's precise body proportions even when they're not trying to devour you.

Well it beats having parasitic head lice instead. Be assured, this is no garden variety grasshopper. By following the tug of its sensory feelers, it will lead you to likeminded individuals. Just don't be surprised if it turns out to be a stick insect in gigantic rollers:

Another blog to visit: La Revista del Corazón - Disfruta con los cotilleos y las noticias de las revistas del corazón, de la prensa rosa y famosos.

Tuesday, May 16

Premiering a movie nobody remembers

I'm guessing Hollywood finally got around to making a movie called "Hooker Cops". It's set in a futuristic Tokyo which is heavily policed by British men in suits who drive around the noirish city, enlisting sexy streetwalkers to join the law enforcement ranks, thereby cleaning up the streets and boosting criminal justice manpower at the same time. Or it could just be the long-awaited Tokyo premiere of Transporter 2.

Although the movie was released everywhere else in the world in 2005 and everybody's probably forgotten how craptastic it was, that doesn't seem to bother the Transporter himself too much. The women of Japan have taken to him like as if he's a giant Hello Kitty doll.

He's practically being squeezed to death by the kawaii bridage, including one who never seems to stray from his upper thigh/groinal area, meaning that she will in all likelihood wake up tomorrow with some very bruised knees.

Not that Mr Transporter guy is any stranger to the Asian babe contingent. In the first instalment, he starred opposite Taiwanese actress Shu Qi, who has since gone on to become a diaphanously clad harem maiden.

This time round, he has to make do with posing mock seriously beside Yinling of Joytoy (a name which has entered the modern vernacular much like Shakespeare of Stratford), the Taiwanese born-erotic model-actress-vocalist-race queen-ultimate geek fantasy. But for all her diverse and adult-rated talents, something must be lacking because she goes and does the unthinkable by pairing red with pink.

Honestly I don't think that a frilly red garter smacks of stern discipline. They don't make very secure handcuffs at all. All I'm saying is that if you want to make an authoritative statement, you're going to have to bust out some chains and black leather.

Monday, May 15

You will be greeted warmly upon arrival

Random messages that might appear on the e-message board at Hong Kong airport

Dear John
We have finally met each other. You are so screwed.
Get out here now, your wife and your mistress

Message for Tim the backpacker:
See you in arrival hall A. I brought a suitcase full of money and laxatives. Hope the bag of coke inside your stomach didn't burst.

Dearest Horace
Sorry I won't be able to pick you up. Have taken the kids and run off with my tennis instructor. Divorce papers will be served in arrival hall B.
No hard feelings, Wilhelmina

Dear visitor
Welcome to Hong Kong. Copy watch? Copy handbag? Copy DVDs? Custom tailor suit? For you special price!

To my darling Susan:
Marry me now! (I'm serious, they're about to deport me if you don't).
Your boyfriend Tommy who loves you so much he overstayed on his tourist visa

Message for Mr Jones of Global Corp:
Your super stretch hotel limousine has been arranged and charged to your company account. However the trio of Slovenian hookers you ordered will only take cash.

Dear Cathy
Have you been taking care of yourself? You look so thin! Are you sure you have been eating properly? Put on a coat or you'll catch a cold! Are you wearing a pair of clean undies? When are you going to settle down and get married! Oh I know a nice young man you should meet!
Love, Mum

Hi FoxyGal16
So excited to finally see u in person! Hope you are as hot as the half-naked picture you emailed me :) I'll be in arrival hall B touching myself under a grimy trenchcoat and looking closer to 40 instead of 18 like I said on Myspace.