Tonight is the night! The Greatest Story Ever Told
(ie how they straightened Tom Hanks' hair) will be screening in Hong Kong cinemas from tonight onwards. I dare say I'm clutching my Fleur-de-Lys Cross Key so excitedly it's drawing blood!
But to pierce the flesh effectively, you need one of these babies. You wear the cilice
round your upper thigh for two hours and hey presto you're mortified! And I thought mortification meant walking in on your grandparents performing sex rites at the monthly gathering of their secret society.
It may also delight you to know that at the Cannes premiere, some of the important guests paraded down the red carpet in clothes that bore cryptic messages. Needless to say I solved these myself with some help from my Nancy Drew decoder ring.
Here we have Eva Herzigova in a puzzling creation. Notice how the front drape falls between her legs to form a V shape. The V could stand for the female body part the dress is trying to highlight but I don't think it's as simple as that. In fact, it reminds of...an inverted pyramid. I also don't think that it's a coincidence that Eva is Czech.
If you put those two clues together, you get Czech (Check!) the inverted pyramid. But where...there must be thousands, perhaps millions around the world. I think the answer lies in the colour of the bikini-gown. It's a vibrant yellow and when I see yellow I immediately associate it with Chinese people. So, perhaps there is an inverted pyramid in China somewhere..or, even an inverted pyramid designed
by a Chinese person. Ohhhhhh they're telling us to check the inverted pyramid designed by IM Pei which means that the Holy Grail is totally buried under Dallas City Hall
Marianne Faithfull's appearance certainly piqued my curiosity. She's not in the movie but instead has joined the film festival to promote Marie Antoinette
. Could this be the producers' way of telling us not to waste our money and to watch her movie instead? No, use your brain cells! "Marie Antoinette" was directed by SOFIA Coppola, the name SOFIA being the password to unlocking the first cryptex.
And what of the young fellow beside her? If you look closely at his sleeves, you'll see a bar code pattern which when scanned, I'm sure will reveal the exorbitant price of such a hideous designer suit.
Have to admit I was quite thrown by this one. Was there a secret message buried within the intricate designs of this perplexing garment? Was the lace woven backwards in Fibonacci code and in mirror form?
Upon deeper reflection I realised that the dress was intentionally see-through in order to reveal the thong. Let's not forget Jesus wore sandal-thongs. Combine that with the mini-series Lace
which told the story of a porn star seeking her real MOTHER, and you are looking straight at Mother Mary. Which means that oh my god not only did the Catholic Church orchestrate the whole conspiracy but they also perpetuated the myth that Mary Magdalene was a tacky ho who wore her underwear out in public!