Friday, March 17

The many faces of Anna

If I could tackle Anna Wintour to the ground and shove this magical fortune cookie I prepared down her throat, then we could exchange bodies for one freaky Friday. There are many lavish perks and benefits to be gained by assuming her identity. However all the couture in the world still couldn't stack up to the best part about being Anna - having access to her full range of facial expressions. Once you've got these down pat, you're pretty much set for life.

Unabashed maternal pride and love

Tacit acknowledgment that this particular dead animal is doing a somewhat competent job in keeping her warm and stylish

Feigned wide-eyed innocence upon being accused of not liking fat people

Withering scorn for fat people

Fearsome invincibility despite being riddled with bullet holes

Anxiety over forgetting to record the finale of Project Runway

Embarrassed consternation at being photographed with someone from Teen People magazine

Childish glee at witnessing the wonders of botox up close

Utter loathing and deep disgust at having to sit next to a more powerful female

Thursday, March 16

The customer expectation gap

Man, getting dumped sucks. You think you've finally found a hairstylist who understands you when they suddenly up and go pff to parts unknown, leaving behind a hastily scribbled note saying "it's not you, it's me". Was I too needy? Not willing to commit to layered bangs? Or did my haircut become too much of a routine affair?

Well spread the word, I'm back in the game looking for someone who can tame the wild beast that is my bad hair. In this town, though, changing hairstylists is tantamount to dicing with danger. You'd be better off sticking your hand into a tankful of starving piranha. It's all because of the customer expectation gap, and it grows wider everytime somebody over here gets their hair done.

What you say: I'm growing out my bangs at the moment so you don't need to do anything to them.
What happens:

What you say: I have to attend a very important function tonight so I need to look good. Give me a elegantly tousled updo.
What happens:

What you say: I want to give my hair some body and curl but I'm not ready for a full-on perm. Any suggestions?
What happens:

What you say
: Can you just crimp one small section of my hair to see if I like the look?
What happens:

What you say: I'd like to go with some natural looking highlights this time. Just blend them in so they don't look fake, you know what I mean?
What happens:

What you say: My dog's fur keeps getting into his eyes. Can you give the area around its eyes a little trim?
What happens:

Tuesday, March 14

The preferred activity is skiing

There are only a few weeks of good powder left, so don't waste any time in hitting the piste. I strongly suggest you point your skis or snowboard or whatever south-west to the Lebanese resort of Faraya before it becomes overrun with unappreciative foreigners who litter their blogs with crass pictures and pathetically-constructed entendres.

Upon arrival you will be greeted with breathtaking scenic vistas unlike anywhere else on earth. Whip off your coat if you must but like at any other ski resort, long socks are recommended to prevent chafing and irritation.

There's no need to clumsily lug all your equipment around like that dead guy from Weekend at Bernie's. Most things can be rented at reasonable rates on an hourly basis.

Looking up at the majestic and imposing slopes, it is hard not to yearn for the unattainable. Definitely not for the timid and uninitiated which suits the locals just fine because they're not in the business of running baby slopes here.

Hard to believe, but some resortgoers choose to ignore the pristine terrain altogether in favour of a non-stop drinking binge. When your senses are dulled by alcohol, anything looks good in a bra and panty set.

There's just no good way to go about saying this but you really should spend some time watching the sun rise over the...mountain peaks, sliding down...the..uh..... beautifully groomed trails..or uh...exploring every....nook and cranny...oh I give up. Next!

So wide-ranging are its attractions that the resort also offers something for the children. They will have happy holiday memories to bring home with them inside their mobile phone cameras. In fact most young boys tend to get depressed after returning from this resort and spend most of their time moping behind locked bedroom doors.

Update: I have to be somewhere tomorrow evening. Dressed like this:

So no blog post but in the meantime you can check out the dodgy celebrity pictures on teh interweb.

Monday, March 13

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 47

Let's play a little game to test your powers of observation. Spot the odd item out in the picture below.

Yes, as you surmised correctly, it is the tote bag (bonus points if you guessed those feet were pantihosed as well). This example highlights the dangers of not following through on your fashion plans. If you're going to wear anything as long as it's red then you better to commit to it. Don't go introducing batik into the mix. How awkward and uncomfortable is that bag going to feel when it realises it has nothing in common with the rest of your wardrobe?

Women wear red for either of 2 reasons. The first is convenience - it takes the stress out of unpredictable menstrual cycles and cleverly camouflages the sudden crashing onslaught of the crimson wave. This is particularly useful when you are settling into a 3 hour movie with plenty of sweeping camera shots but no intermission. Now you know why movie theater seats are predominantly red.

The second reason is entirely related to sex appeal.

But again I must stress consistency. Furry halos have no place in a she-devil's seductive schemes.

Another site to visit: Hong Kong Dog Rescue