Give me spirit fingers dammit!!: 01/08/2006

Friday, January 13

The Brad Pitt Vacation

Attention gentlemen of well-do-to means. Have you been married to the same woman for several years? Has she overexercised all the love away? Is your sperm bored?

Well Plan B Travel has the ultimate solution for your mid-life crisis. We've put together a unique luxury itinerary that will surely recapture the wonder that is your masculinity. The Brad Pitt Vacation puts you at the helm of whirlwind 14-day adventure around the globe. Throughout your journey you will be led by one of our experienced tour guides, all of whom are irresistible brunettes named Angelina. By the end of it, you'll feel rejuvenated and ready to pick up life again with a healthy tan and a new family consisting of not one, not two but THREE children.

Day By Day Itinerary
Day 1
Upon arrival in Kenya, you will be met by an eagerly waiting posse of photographers. You will also be introduced to your lovely guide and her adorable Cambodian-born son Maddox who fits the toddler-shaped vacancy in your empty heart. Spend the day getting to know each other by building sandcastles and taking long strolls on Diani beach. Retire to your luxury villa in the evening for a raucuous session of lovemaking with Angelina.

Day 2
Jet into Morocco for a brief stopover. There is much to see in the way of exciting bazaars and Arab-Andalusian style architecture but there is little time. We recommend that instead you savour the richly appointed accommodations by taking a slow long shower with Angelina. Alternatively order room service and do things that even Mickey Rourke would find obscene.

Day 3
Discover a whole new world of shopping delights in Ethiopia. Sift through an electic assortment of babies at the orphanages of Addis Ababa. They are also available at the orphanage gift shops. Haggling is encouraged if only for the fascinating experience itself. Once you've decided which one to take home, mark the occasion with some celebratory copulation.

Day 4
Awaken in a stately manor set in the Buckinghamshire countryside. After a traditional English breakfast, Maddox will lead you on a spectacular tour of the 300 acre estate via dirt bike. If you're not too tired afterwards, Angelina will take out her riding crop and instruct you in the niceties of bareback riding.

Days 5&6
Spend an intense 2 days looking for potential family homes along the Normandy coast. The 9-bedroom Chateau Gabriel is particularly inviting because it is steeped in history and one-ups Johnny Depp. Stop occasionally for unprotected sex.

Days 7&8
Enjoy some downtime in a remote cabin in Canada. Activities include a visit to the Royal Tyrrell Museum to explore the collections at your leisure. Have a quickie in a darkened corner near the T-Rex exhibit.

Day 9
More househunting is in store, this time in Washington DC. Scope out the property market under the guise of an architectural tour. It will give you the chance to pretend to admire the aesthetics of upscale residences while knowing that you will be admiring the aesthetics of Angelina's naked body later that night.

Days 10& 11
From Washington you will be transfer to Pakistan for two days of volunteer activities and newfound political consciousness. It will surely be toilsome back-breaking work which you will be unaccustomed to but it puts your own petty concerns about unauthorised naked photos into perspective. Before departure, reward yourself by a feelgood pat on the back and some more sex.

Day 12&13
Following arrival in Santa Monica airport, prepare for your first set of flying lessons in a single-engine plane. From the airstrip, you will pilot yourself to the nearest courthouse and start the process of legally adopting Maddox and your Ethiopian souvenir.

Day 14
Ride on separate bikes to St John’s Hospital Health Center for Angelina's pregnancy scan. Feeling smug? So you should be! You have reached the end of your magical journey and accomplished more in 14 days than what even the real Brad Pitt could do in a year.

Note: Tailormade itineraries are also available for those on Team Aniston. However we cannot guarantee the same level of satisfaction under such packages.

Thursday, January 12

Precocious fashion victims

From what we've seen in recent weeks, we can safely assume that 2006 will be the year of the child. More specifically the genetically-linked and well-pampered child. This year the vast majority of us will spend our time birthing/video taping the birthing of children and from thereon pandering to their every needs. Most importantly, we will be consumed by the task of clothing them, thus laying the foundations for their fashion mistakes in adulthood.

Unfortunately a lot of children in this part of the world don't have access to high quality international brands. Even in the best counterfeit markets, a concerned parent would be hard pressed to find koala ear muffs and trendy designs in pretty pastel colours.

Rather the whippersnappers of China are often forced to dress like eccentric geriatrics in fur coats or the little dogs belonging to those geriatrics. Either way they will lose a little bit of respect from strangers on the street.

Some just have to improvise with junk found about the house like animal skin car seat covers or furry handcuffs. As a result they will look somewhat hip but not ridiculously hip enough for the most exclusive underage nightclubs. I mean, you've got to wait until you're at least eight to pull off a bare midriff.

The worst off are the ones who are allowed to run unchecked in the wilderness. There the little savages go on a violent rampage, laying waste to toadstool patches in order to satisfy their headgear needs. Whether or not they care to admit it, the feral boys always end up looking dorkier.

But if you think winter is especially harsh on our youngsters, wait until the weather warms up.

Another blog to visit: The Celebrity Blog - Latest News and Gossip of Your Celebrities

Wednesday, January 11

Let's not twist words

You tell them, Lindsay. That's the last time anyone will mangle your quotes and try to spin them into complete and utter fabrications. You almost had us believing that you were an ordinary human being for a moment there! Time to set the record straight.

What Vanity Fair said: "I was sick. Everyone was scared. And I was scared too. I had people sit me down and say, "You're going to die if you don't take care of yourself."
What Lindsay actually said: I was sick of dating a sleazy punk like Wilmer. Everyone was scared that he was going to dump me for a younger model like Dakota. And I was scared too. I had people sit me down and say "Your relationship's going to die anyway so why don't you take care of it yourself".

What Vanity Fair said: I started to get really bad head pains … I was shaking in my trailer. I got a fever of 102 and they were like, 'You need to go to the hospital.
What Lindsay actually said: Once I started to think too much and got really bad head pains … I was shaking in my trailer. I've got an IQ of 102 and they were like, "Are you sure? You need to go to the hospital. You need to have that checked because it seems way too high".

What Vanity Fair said: I don't want people to think that I've done ... you know what I mean? It's a sore subject. I've lost a family member over it, practically.
What Lindsay actually said: I don't want people to think that I've done movies where my breasts have had to be digitally reduced..you know what I mean? One minute they're all in your face the next they're nowhere to be seen. It's a sore subject. I've lost a family member over it, practically.

What Vanity Fair said: It's like the best acting that I've ever been able to do is in this video. I freak out and just kind of go with it and create my own scene.… It's offensive and I want it to be.
What Lindsay actually said: It's like the best acting that I've ever been able to do is in this video. I freak out and just kind of go with it and create my own scene.… It's offensive and I want it to be. Unfortunately Colin Farrell's lawyers won't let me release it on the internet.

What Vanity Fair said: My arms were disgusting. I had no arms. My sister, she was scared. My brother called me, crying.
What Lindsay actually said: My arms were disgustingly fat next to Nicole Richie's. I didn't have arms..I had chunky meat goblets. My sister, she was scared that it was a genetic predisposition. My brother called me, crying about the way they wobbled gave him nightmares.

What Vanity Fair said: I'm not encouraging going out and getting a fake ID and going off the deep end and having an eating disorder. I'm saying, if you at least admit those kinds of things, that that might happen, then they don't feel the urge to go out and do that.
What Lindsay actually said: I'm totally encouraging going out and getting a fake ID and going off the deep end and having an eating disorder. I'm saying, if you feel the urge, make it happen, go out and do that, but don't admit those kinds of things.

Tuesday, January 10

Golden Globes fashion preview

I'm a great believer in the accuracy of People magazine which is why I'm linking to their red carpet predictions for this year's Golden Globes awards. Couldn't have said it better myself. At the same time I'm also firmly of the opinion that the Adult Video News Awards, the first major entertainment event of the year, serve as a reliable barometer for subsequent awards fashion. Put People magazine's words of wisdom together with fashion highlights from the latest AVN Awards and your crystal ball will be rendered whole.

Charlize Theron
This year, expect "something dramatic, whether it's the color or the detail."

Marcia Cross
The Desperate Housewives star and best actress nominee loves "jewel tones that complement her skin tone and red hair."

Sarah Jessica Parker
She'll wear shorter dresses, she'll wear polka dots like she did at last year's SAG Awards.

Sandra Oh
Because she's so petite," she'll most likely choose a "body-conscious dress that's not overly ornate."

Keira Knightley
The Pride & Prejudice star and best actress nominee will likely don a va-va-voom gown at the Globes to complete her transformation "into a red carpet siren."

Eva Longoria
She'll most likely flaunt her figure in a vibrant, curve-hugging dress.

Gwyneth Paltrow
She favours simple shapes, and won't choose a "bright color or bold pattern." It'll be neutral.

Scarlett Johansson
The risk-taking star is open to experimentation: She could just as easily choose a retro-style gown or an edgy, daring design.

Another blog to visit: BabyTrollBlog - Daily Sass and Ass

Monday, January 9

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 44

Clothing retailers all around Hong Kong let out a collective sigh of relief when the cold snap hit last week. Mother Nature, instead of delivering the usual calamity, had chosen to avert an inventorial disaster. People would start buying warm clothing again! The ugliest stock would be guaranteed to go first! Winter is saved!

No more would overly long-sleeved jackets inspired by "That 70's Muppet Show" hang idly on the racks. Shoppers would start noticing them, coveting them, perhaps even getting into fullblown fistfights over them, thereby ending up covered with bruises that match the ones found all over the jacket.

After languishing in the bargain corner for months, Colour by Number vests would finally take centre stage. These things have been flying off the shelves faster than those sweatshop kiddies can empty their little paint pots.

But you know what the fashion stores will be most glad to offload? Those sexy short shorts that everybody overordered last season in the mistaken belief that The Dukes of Hazzard was going to be a huge hit. I wouldn't worry about frostbite of the buttocks, it isn't as common around these parts as you'd think.

Sunday, January 8

Hey There Rich Folk: Vol 1

Welcome to the first instalment of Hey There Rich Folk, an occasional series catering for the more affluent readers. Old money, new money, it's all good as long as you simply MUST have it NOW before anyone else does. There's no puffery or hard-selling to be found here. Just a selection of fine products that speak for themselves.

Goyard Travelling Dog Bowl & Hard Case