Did I say that out loud?

Things that don't get said out loud at my workplace for fear of immediate social alienation

What say we let the people get out of the elevator first before barging in?

Frankly, I do think there is such a thing as too much pink.

My child does not know how to play any musical instrument whatsoever.

Oh I think I'm a bit old to be wearing that sort of thing.

Who is that new person? Let's introduce ourselves to them and make them feel welcome instead of speculating about their background in gossipy tones.

Does this skin-whitening stuff really work?

Does this bust-enhancement stuff really work?

Lately I've been feeling that Louis Vuitton is not all it's cracked up to be. Gucci isn't ALL THAT either.

The other day I went on a date, in the full knowledge that he did not own any property or any other substantial assets. I think I might even see him again.

I actually find our daily games of social one-upmanship to be quite tedious. Let's take up a sport instead.

Rock fashion

What does Jada Pinkett Smith have to do to get the respect of diehard rock fans? As with most careers, respect is gained first and foremost from the quality of the professional attire.

While the above outfit is perfectly serviceable for smashing guitars at the local Hard Rock Cafe, it's definitely not up to sellout concert standard. Jada needs to learn how to channel her primal energies into her clothing. It's a lesson that Juliette Lewis, another thespian turned rocker has mastered, as she continues to add to her rock repertoire:

Zesty rock


Experimental rock


Latex rock


Extreme swing rock


Heavy mime rock


Pubic sweat rock


Scanty knee-banging rock

HK Bridal Special: Chapter 5

Update: Every few hundred years, the Hong Kong wedding industry leaps forward, leaving engaged couples floundering in its wake. At long last, the fantasy of fairytale wedding is set to come alive at Hong Kong Disneyland! Have you stopped hyperventilating yet? Pass me that bag, because I haven't! There'll be horse-drawn carriages, popular mascots, familiar theme songs and like Cinderella everyone will be home by midnight! I simply MUST get invited to a Disney wedding. Even if I have to moonlight as a lesser known character like freaking Flower the skunk.

One of my favourite parts of attending any wedding is the possibility of cake. The serving of something like this:
buttercake washed with cherry liqueur syrup and layered with chocolate ganache, coffee buttercream and chocolate souffle layers
is a satisfying end to the reception, and makes me feel that my gift is well deserved. Therefore it vexes me that wedding cake providers in Hong Kong are far and few between. Many Hong Kong couples don't even bother with the niceties at all, preferring to wheel out a styrofoam dummy cake for show and tell:



Secreted between the fake tiers is a plain white cake of white frosting with the blandness and consistency of shaving cream. Most times, it is cut into little squares and packed in little doggy bags for guests, then sealed with a special message from the bride and groom like "don't forget to validate your parking ticket". Perhaps it's because after the decadent feasting, the last thing on anyone's mind is cake.

When they do manage to get their act together and get a real cake, the design itself does not inspire mouthwateringness. Rather it reminds you of mass weddings and the absolute nightmare of trying to understand the seating chart:



Or it reminds you of how the elevated walkways in the Central Business District connect to form a seamless, mostly air-conditioned path for the office serf:



But maybe I'm being too harsh. There are HK couples who have buckets of creativity and choose to dump it all over their wedding cake. The end result is a bit of pastry emblazoned with their photographic likeness. It really makes the cake happen while feeding the rampant narcissism that is so common at these events.


Ain't love grand.....until such time it hits a giant iceberg, causing mayhem, roiling nausea, icy grim death and large-scale devastation.

Commanding respect for your pet

For Indonesia, economic growth is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it's rejuvenated interest in beauty pageants. On the other hand, it's given rise to insidious things like a dog fashion competition.

This is exactly what I feared. Give the little bitches a bit of runway time and the next thing you know, they'll be wanting to take over the world. And it's always the same old crowd - glassy-eyed, sullen-faced, neck no bigger than six inches, scampering on the runway as fast as their little legs can carry them. They have names, agents..portfolios even.

Nataliya

A relative newcomer to the scene, Nataliya was discovered while getting vaccinated at the vet. She was teased at school for being the runt of the litter but has developed into a rare beauty and is feted for having the shapeliest legs in the business. Despite her modelling success, Nataliya plans to complete her schooling and become a certified aromatherapist.

Missy & Dewi

This remarkable duo have made an impact with their breathtaking eyes and statuesque figures. Missy and Dewi's playful dispositions caught an agent's eye at a prestigious dog obedience school. Despite coming from a purebred background with plenty of society connections, the sisters have proved they are not too haughty to grace the cover of this year's Mutts Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

Anouck

From the beginning when she was discovered relieving herself against the side of a tree, Anouck established herself as a true diva of the runway. She has worked with most of the big design houses, sometimes as their muse, other times as their furniture chewer. Her fierce temper and passionate approach to life has generated plenty of tabloid gossip, and she is often photographed by the paparazzi in bitchfights or heatedly enjoying the company of strays.

Solange

Discovered at the pound as a troublesome puppy, Solange's striking and unconventional looks elevated her from rags to riches in no time. Solange is a veteran of the scene who has appeared on countless magazine covers and billboards. She is rarely seen without her trademark oversized dark glasses. While she doesn't look like retiring anytime soon, Solange has dabbled in other projects such as releasing an album. However it is rumoured that the barking heard on several of the tracks does not match her own bark.

As you can see, pet fashion has really become too frivolous for my liking. Whatever happened to more serious and utilitarian clothing? Certainly nothing commands more respect than a pet in uniform. Nowadays, when you've got a piece of profound genius like Pets in uniform you don't even need to buy the clothing. It's one of those concepts that makes you slap your head and exclaim "of course! it's just..why that's..my god it's BLOODY FANTASTIC!!" Thus far I've been rather lukewarm on Photoshop but this..this is its biggest validation yet.

Back in the saddle

Indonesia has certainly progressed since the crippling financial crisis in the late 1990s. The country has decided to prove that it's well and truly on the comeback trail by following many other countries in the international community and entering its prettiest law graduate in Miss Universe. The Indonesian delegate will even be allowed to compete in the swimsuit event, albeit in a one-piece instead of a two-piece.

In case you're worried that this will put Artika at a competitive disadvantage, wait till you see the range of cutting edge one-piece swimwear she has to choose from:

Gucci - accentuates curves


D-Squared - black reduces the see-through problem


Sonia Rykiel - one piece and one tone


Liliana Fierro - divides body up into handy sections for judging like a beef cuts chart


Azzolini - can be worn again for talent routine


Carl's Jr - caution, may be offensive in certain cultures depending on contents of burger


But let's not put pressure on the poor girl. After all, win or lose, isn't Miss Universe about something bigger than that. Isn't it ultimately about putting on the swimsuit and partaking in some good ole girl-on-girl action in the pool.

You Like, You Buy Vol 26

Henry Lau is a local fashion designer who enjoys making clothes that are as bold and extravagant as a peacock on Broadway. In between designing his seasonal spyhenrylau collection (www.spyhenrylau.com), he also creates garish and highly impressionable costumes for Cantopop concerts.



Henry seems to fancy himself as a bit of a John Galliano as shown by all that French Napoleonic jazz clogging up his 2005 spring/summer collection. However he has to descend further depths of craziness before being recognised as an enfant terrible of fashion. For starters, he needs to wear a lot more black eyeliner. Nevertheless his designs are stocked in places as far as Kuwait and Australia, incidentally places that Napoleon would have set out to conquer once he found out about all that oil and all those pettable marsupials.


Disfigured by skin-whitening creams with toxic mercury levels, the Phantom of the Cosmetic Counter vowed to wreak vengeance on the beauty industry.


Captain Flamboyance surveyed the battlefield that was his wardrobe and knew that once again his ever dependable short shorts to save the day.


If only the French Emperor's sexual orientation was as clearly defined as his abs and pelvic muscles, lamented his advisers.


They thought that the party was a bit too macabre for their tastes when one of the guests started offering the skull a cracker.


Even though the hunt was over, he couldn't bring himself to pry the dead animal off his head because everytime he ran his fingers through the thick, soft fur, it felt so damn luxurious.


I now pronounce you steroid-abusing woman and wife.