Friday, May 5

Let us help you help yourself

What would go down at an intervention for self-destructive wild child Lindsay Lohan

Sorry we lied to you. This isn't really a gathering of random people to celebrate your return to being a redhead. Lindsay, we've called you here today because we are very concerned about you.

TARA: For starters we think your partying is out of control. Don't deny it. We know you're out every night, getting wasted at any club that will let you in and making a spectacle of yourself. We've seen the pictures, along with everyone else who's ever logged on to the internet. Please take a look at them and see the depths to which you have sunk.

TERI: Not to mention what it's doing to your complexion. It looks terrible. But it's not too late to get treatment. I'll be with you every step of the way. If you don't get help, you'll wake up one day and bam! realise that you've used up the world's supply of makeup and airbrushing.

NICOLE: I want to address the whole "is she or isn't she" weight issue. I remember how fresh and healthy you looked when you started out. Now you're just a bag of bones. When was the last time you were photographed eating? I'm not just going to stand here and let you wither away like that. Eat something dammit! *cries*

PETE: Let's not beat around the bush here. I want to talk about the drug rumours. I can help you Lindsay. I don't want to see you laid out on some filthy toilet floor with a needle sticking out of your arm. Or worse still, having to dress up for court every week. Think about all the impressionable girls who now think that it's cool to be a crackhead because of your antics. No more half-ass attempts at rehab. You've become a bad influence on Kate, and until you kick the habit properly, I don't think you two should hang out anymore.

PARIS: Don't get me wrong Lindz, I think you're a wonderful person but you're getting a reputation for being quite the slut. The way you just hop from guy to guy like they're food stations at a buffet banquet. Sleeping around is not sexy and it's not hot. If you don't respect yourself, how can you expect the rest of us to do the same?

ELTON: It's sad to see how your lifestyle is affecting your relationships with other people. Look at all these silly little feuds you've started with your erratic behaviour. It's not ok to spout off juvenile insults about your celebrity brethren even if they are probably true. You just come off looking like a tired diva who needs a hobby like gardening or something.

BRITNEY: Not everyone in your life cares about you as much as we do. Some of your so-called friends are no more than despicable hangers on seeking to ride the coattails of your fame and money. They might be fun to do tequila shots or have casual unprotected sex with but you can't rely on them when it counts. They won't be there for you when you take a tumble out of the high chair. Take a good look around, it's pretty obvious who they are and you need to dump them pronto.

EVA: You could really do with some time away from the limelight. Go on take a break, lay low for a while. You need it after all the non-stop publicity you've been getting. Every premiere, every talkshow, every magazine cover, there you are. People have started groaning and rolling their eyes everytime your name comes up in conversation. Admit it, you're overexposed. Sooner or later the public is going to get sick of you and forget why you were even famous in the first place.

SHARON: Lindsay darling, you're an absolute mess! But forget about dealing with all the personal crap, you're neglecting the most important thing in your life - your career. I worry about what direction you're heading in. You need to start thinking about riskier roles. Films that will challenge your abilities and make moviegoers see you in a totally different light. You don't just want to be known for one movie that you did hundreds of years ago. That would be just pathetic.

Another blog to visit: Chief Ten Bears - I mostly make these wooden bears. Other times find me shooting wedding videos, chopping firewood, and balancing the company book-keeping. I spastically shout 'mazletov' whenever glass is breaking nearby. I'm a non-skier living in a ski resort... and I love bears more than they will ever know.

Thursday, May 4

Say it with a ring

Do you have something difficult to tell your petit cherie? A relationship is hard enough as it is without you blundering around inarticulately, struggling to get your message across. Instead say it with a ring from Dior Joaillerie. Everything is that much better with jewellery.

No intention of settling down with her but unwilling to give up the home-cooked meals and sex? Commitment-phobes, take heed, this is the essential ring to deal with those annoying little hints she keeps dropping about your future together.
It says: "There's too much happening in my life at the moment, so all I can offer for now is this messed up ring as a symbol of how grotesquely complicated things are between us in the present time. If you play your cards right and stick around I might just take it back and upgrade it to a classic diamond solitaire, or a state-of-the art freestanding range cooker, one day."

So you made a mistake and she really was the one who got away. Prepare to plead and grovel for a second chance at true love but don't do it empty-handed.
It says: I still love you so much that not only does my heart bleeds for you but if you count the number of diamonds on that thing, you'll see that my wallet also bleeds for you.

These past few weeks were fantastic but your other mistress, the ocean, calls and you must take your leave of the saucy wench gently stirring beside you. Before slipping noiselessly out the door with your thumping wooden peg leg and squawking parrot in tow, leave a plundered trinket for her to remember you by. Who knows when the fair winds will bring the dreaded sails of the Dastardly Bling towards this port again?

You can apologise until you're blue in the face but words don't cut it when an STD was involved. Reassure her that you've cleaned up your act with this striking bauble.
It says: Baby, I really really didn't mean to give you that rash. Believe me, I would have worn a condom if she wasn't on the pill. But all that's in the past and from now on I'm going to need for you to wear this. Whenever I see you with that on, I'm going to remember how the disease ravaged my nether regions and keep it all zipped in.

You've been going out for over a year now, but there's still a few things she doesn't know about you. Like the fact that you happen to be walk among the undead. She's a pretty one but a tad unobservant. How could she not have noticed the lack of mirrors, the coffin bed and the vials of blood in the fridge. Slip the ring on her finger, bare your fangs and ask her to join you in an eternal journey into the darkness. If she still doesn't get it, she never will.

Wednesday, May 3

Soccer can get fiercely competitive

The hooligans haven't even landed yet and already the World Cup action is hotting up. In Korea alone, ten thousand women are vying the opportunity to perkily shake their poms poms and form human pyramids for their country. It's reassuring to know that there are so many limber females out there who are standing by, ready to rally the crowd at a moment's notice.

This batch of contenders seems be fairly matched but Miss Lower-Left-Corner wants it just that little bit more than everyone else. She knows that this is the culmination of everything that life has to offer. She won't hesitate to kneecap somebody to get a place on the squad. Yeah, this is the big leagues. This is it! Bring! It! On! Beeyotches! Why all the fierce competition and mild cussing? A lot of it has to do with the dream of wearing the special World Cup cheerleading uniforms.

And that's just the training gear. The onfield costumes are much more official looking and inspire heart-swelling patriotism.

But it's not the cheerleaders who will have exciting new uniforms. Because the World Cup is held in Germany this year, we can also expect a few efficiency-enhancing changes to the referee stylings. No need to reach for the shirt pocket when your entire body can be used to warn offending players.

The number of yellow cards might seem a bit excessive but then again some of those wild card teams tend to have trouble playing by the rules.

Another blog to visit: verbal croquis - A hopeful cynic studying the stark differences between the fashion industry and the apparel industry

Tuesday, May 2

Backstage at Australian Fashion Week

Better than London Fashion Week! That's the verdict that people have been giving Australian Fashion Week. Well no wonder because one only has to look behind the scenes and realise that what goes on backstage with the gorgeous talent could easily pass for any of the other international fashion capitals.

Most accidents at fashion shows result from exposed elbows rather than falling light beams. As a general rule, don't grip a model by the arm unless you want your hand sliced open.

To fulfil the artistic theme of the show, it is often necessary to book models of a similar nature. This merely provides evidence to support the theory of the fungibility of models. It also shows why fashion shows are treated as a handy one-stop shop by men of considerable financial means who like dating a steady succession of different women who look essentially the same.

For all the styling and primping that goes on before the crucial moment, there is never a hair straightener to be found whenever you need one.

Medical experts warn that stomping down the catwalk on a full stomach can cause heartburn and indigestion. However there always has to be one silly girl can barely stand up straight after gorging on a lettuce leaf or some sunflower seeds.

With some models, it would be naive to expect that they will wear anything handed to them. Not only will they give you a reproachful scowl in the manner of a pissed off cat but the offending garment will be flung back at you in an unravelled mess:

Then there is the slightly stunned look of a model who has drawn the short straw, and spends her entire time backstage reassuring herself that it can't be all that bad...

when really it is.

Another blog to visit: Shop Diary - This is my little space where I can shamelessly write about my mild obsession with fashion and shopping

Monday, May 1

Plenty of reason to celebrate

Once again Golden Week is upon us and I must brace myself for the crippling drop in productivity. A three day work week here in Hong Kong, and an entire week off for the hardworking and hard spending folk of mainland China. There's going to be nobody around to writeall those inane office memos that I enjoy so much like the ones setting out the correct use of the pantry refrigerator (apparently harvested organs are a no go).

This year's Golden Week provides an extra special reason to celebrate in the light of the recent news that Chinese women are forcing change and moving up in the world. Believe me there is no greater measure of a nation's progress.

The rise in cup sizes has also led to corresponding improvements in the quality of underwear. These days one only has to go as far as Jinan City to procure the finest gold thread underwear spun by Rumpelstiltskin himself.

Bigger breasts were also a key theme at the invitation only Millionaire Fair in Shanghai. While I've never personally attended a Millionaire Fair, I've often imagined that it would be a very upscale affair, with gilded carousels, livestock branded with designer logos and a name dropping fortune teller holding a degree in wealth management. At this particular fair, instead of a pony, rich people were treated to a rare display of Jordan in the flesh.

See China is not as closed to the outside world as you would think! Someone on the inside obviously had access to British tabloids and thought it would be a fabulous idea to bring her over and let everyone see what standards Chinese women should aspire to.

Meanwhile the people of Cyprus were waking up to what they thought was just the aftermath of yet another bachelor party involving the military and a billy goat, but was actually the longest bra chain in the world. There was much crying and gnashing of teeth among the Singaporeans upon hearing their previous record was broken but whaddya do? For every bra you collect, there's always some guy in a trenchcoat out there who has a dozen more stashed in his briefcase.

Once the Filipinos learn to lactate en masse, we can also expect a breastfeeding record to be broken in the coming week. Ladies, we live in history-making times and what better way to commemorate them by going out and getting a new set. Remember the only way forward is to bowl everyone else over.

Another blog to visit: Kitchen Wench - feeding her friends, one recipe at a time!