Saturday, June 3

Celebrity spelling bee

Moderator: The word is "guillotine"
Kirsten: g-u-i-l-l-o-t-i-n-e
Moderator: Correct. Your next word is "bra".
Kirsten: Could I have the meaning of the word please?

Moderator: The word is "promiscuous".
Paris: something...m-e...
Moderator: Correct.

Moderator: Next contestant, the word is "thurr".
Ludacris: Can I have the word in a sentence please?
Moderator: Yo yo wassup g dogg watcha doin' herre in ma crib wit da crazy hos when I tolds u go thurr and bust a cap in dem punk ass white boyz shiznit foshizzle my nizzle!

Moderator: Your word is "pregnant".
Anna Nicole: Oh honey I can do more than spell it, let me show everyone how we arrive at that word in the first place

Moderator: The word is "imbecile". "Imbecile".
Mariah: *smiles, looks at assistant*
Mariah's assistant: "Imbecile". I-m-b-e-c-i-l-e. IMBECILE!
Moderator: That is correct.

Moderator: Next contestant, your word is "botox".
Nicole: Come on, do I even have to spell it out for you? *tries to emote*
Moderator: That will do. You are correct.

Moderator: Madonna, your word is "crucifix"
Madonna: "Crucifix". c-r-u-c-i-f-i-c-k-s. "Crucificks".
Moderator: That is incorrect.
Madonna: No, no, you don't understand. I reinvent words and spell them in new ways to keep them fresh and titillating for each new generation of English speakers. That's what I do.

Moderator: The word is "pedophile".
Michael: Don't you mean to say "Peter Pan"?
Moderator: Nope.
Michael: Or "bedtime companion"?
Moderator: Nope.
Michael: *sigh* Can I just spell the word "eccentric" instead?

Another blog to visit: Mister Cat - Food or lack of food, and everything else"

Thursday, June 1

Hitch your wagon to a star

Undeveloped countries that have already been shortlisted for the birth of the next Jolie-Pitt baby

GDP per capita: $1200
Pros: Lack of selection of luxury resorts but migrant workers can be diverted from agricutural production to build a suitable abode
Cons: Middle America may have difficulties pronouncing and spelling town names like Ouagadougou

GDP per capita: $1300
Pros: People carrying long lens cameras are shot on sight
Cons: Brad doesn't want any child of his being born in a country with the word "booty in it"

GDP per capita: $400
Pros: Good opportunity for Maddox to see a Komodo dragon up close
Cons: Citizens are more concerned with fleeing violence rather than welcoming celebrity guests

GDP per capita: $1000
Pros: Known in ancient times as Land of the Gods which is only fitting
Cons: Tense relations with Ethiopia, could have problems bringing Zahara in

GDP per capita: $1200
Pros: Lions and tigers, only in Kenya
Cons: Been there, done that

GDP per capita: $1800
Pros: Offered to have the words "Team Jolie" inscribed on the national flag
Cons: Hard to find good travel guides on this region

GDP per capita: $900
Pros: Local currency is classified as one of the world's least valued currency units, meaning that the US dollar goes a long long way
Cons: May be a little old hat already, thanks to the movie of the same name

GDP per capita: $1000
Pros: Promised to immortalise the Jolie-Pitts by carving giant faces of each family member into the side of a mountain
Cons: May spawn a new rash of email scams asking for your help to transfer Brangelina donated funds back to the US where they so rightfully belong

GDP per capita: $1800
Pros: Operates under a notoriously secretive dictatorship, which sounds somewhat novel and exciting in a spyish way
Cons: Kim Jong Il and his relentless criticism of the state of modern cinema

Another blog to visit: Moongjee - I sport white after Labor Day.

Wednesday, May 31

When going au naturel is not an option

For many ladies, receiving their first invite to an event sponsored by a men's magazine can be rather daunting. How does one dress so that they don't appear to be the wrong type, the type who never ever get invited to these things? What a lucky dilemma to be in! I would love to answer that "anything goes" when it comes to these type of events but that would be incredibly misleading. Oh if only things were so simple as they are with the guys!

There are in fact, some unwritten rules that you won't necessarily find in the fashion magazines, being so obsessed with churning out highbrow advertorials as they are. Because this blog cares about highbrow, middlebrow, lowbrow and even lowerbrow in equal measure, here are some pointers for the novice b-list partygoer.

As Jodie demonstrates, there is a way of holding it all together without resorting to duct tape. A desirable body shape is achieved through judicious use of a leather bustier, keeping everything as safe as two piping hot rolls snugly ensconced in a breadbasket.

If you're going in a group, you might want to think hard about matching tight clothing. Unlike other occasions, there is no shame in being seen in a similar outfit because the guys are going to assume that you all think and talk alike anyway and share the same lesbian tendencies when inebriated.

In the old days people would frown upon wearing casual clothing in the presence of photographers, but we have evolved to a point where we are more tolerant about red carpet dress codes and the notion of Bai Ling as a celebrity. Denim is acceptable as long as it's buttoned up and secured with a belt.

Of course some traditionalists still prefer to stick with a smart pantsuit. These suits come insured against unexpected heaving in case the single button pops open with such ferocity that it becomes embedded in someone's eye socket, leaving only one eye free to ogle the goods on display.

If the bit between your breasts and crotch is the most attractive part of you, then by all means play up that part of your body. At the same time you can play down your bust with some bad hair extensions.

Bold prints can make for an eye-catching ensemble and help you stand out from the crowd. Don't be shy, when mixed in with simple clean lines, it can make for a very figure flattering style.

Finally, you really can't go wrong with classic black. But be sure to give it an eclectic feel by mixing it up - implausibly spherical breasts, metallic gold glistening against bare skin and my personal favourite, cameltoe.

Another blog to visit: Flaurella - I own a tiara and I am not afraid to use it

Tuesday, May 30

Hot careers 2006

Once your children have mastered basic life skills like using the toilet without making a mess, it's time to set them on the path to career success. Not interested in any of the glossy brochures you've shown them? Well have you considered pre-enrolling them in the armed forces? Not only is the military always scouting for talent, but it recognises that kids can do more than just look cute in army fatigues.

What a brilliant idea. As soon as they are big enough to hold a long stick, teach them to ram it into your stomach. Of course this is all just practice for when asssault rifles come in junior sizes.

Here's what a typical lesson plan would look like:
6-7am: reveille, "Simon Says" breakfast drill
7-8am: breakfast and morning roll call (to the tune of Old McDonald Had a Farm)
8-9am: water pistol marksmanship
9-9.30am: milk break
9.30-11am: video - unarmed combat the Barney way
11am-12pm: "My Very First Terrorist" colouring book - colour in the terrorists and learn some new interrogation tactics
12-1pm: lunch
1-2pm: dollhouse siege
2-3pm: nap
3-4pm: playground obstacle course
4pm: personal time and demerit details

In all likelihood your child will probably resent you in the beginning for packing them off to military kindergarten. But after a couple of weeks the complaints will stop and they'll become quite accustomed to keeping things superorganized and neat and sleeping in hard cots. After all isn't that what a career is about - getting used to doing something everyday until it becomes almost bearable?

Another blog to visit: Free PMS - you have to get to know me really...there's too much.

Monday, May 29

You Like, You Buy Vol 44

Another promising weekend washed out by the interminable rain. At this rate, I won't have any money left for shopping. Instead I'll have spent it all on tasty treats to accompany a rainy afternoon spent watching insufferably bad movies. Next time you're hosting a movie night, eschew the popcorn for your local Park'n'Shop ( or Wellcome ( supermarkets. Can I interest you in a savoury meat or seafood snack?

Satay Sliced Beef

Recommended watching: It's almost a main course on its own, so you'll need to watch something pretty heavy going like an Oscar-nominated movie that ponders deep questions of love and war with a pungent slice of religion thrown in.

Curry Spring Roll

Recommended watching: Looks great in the packaging and you think that you can go through it in one entire sitting. Think again, because by the first ad break you'll be wondering how to get the smell and stain out your fingers. Best suited for an awards ceremony, royal wedding, Olympics opening/closing ceremony, beauty pageant or reality show finale.

Fish Sausage (Garlic and Chilli)

Recommended watching: Despite the clever use of garlic and chilli to mask the true flavour, your agile tastebuds can still detect fishy undertones. A must-eat accompaniment to any of the CSI spinoffs.

Pork Floss

Recommended watching: It would not be unfair to liken pork floss to a chunk of meat that was chewed up, spat out, then air dried to retain maximum salival flavour. But at the same time pork floss is light and fluffy, the adult version of fairy floss. It only makes sense to eat it while watching cartoons that have disturbingly mature themes, ie most Disney movies.

Beef curry cube

Recommended reading: The spicy bite-sized pieces are handy for fast-paced action movies where you can't take your eyes off the screen for even one second otherwise you will miss a plot point or worse still, an important cameo. There should also be plenty of raunchy love scenes so that your tastebuds can practically feel the heat radiating between the two leads.

Dried pork stick

Recommended watching: Stripped down to its bare pork flavour, this dried stick probably has "bland" written in Chinese characters all over it. Appropriate for viewing a dispassionately narrated documentary revolving around the mating habits of slow-moving insects that can't even fly.

Seasoned Roller Cuttlefish

Recommended watching: Its shape and size make it perfect for B-grade horror movies. You can nervously nibble at it and quickly lift it to block the screen when it all becomes too much bear. And you don't have to worry about ole cuttlefish coming back from the abyss and devouring you whole because it's been seasoned and kneaded to death.

Squid ham sausage

Recommended watching: Like any tv show which opens to strong ratings, it starts off with the promise of something interestingly different and eclectic, mixed in with a whole bunch of other mindboggling stuff. But along the way, the flavour quickly becomes old and by the end, it leaves a very unsatisfying aftertaste in your mouth.