Friday, June 9

The dating game

After stalking your not-so-secret crush for several months and writing your phone number on the back of his hand with a tattoo gun, you might find yourself being asked out on a date by him. But that's just the beginning and those first few dates can make or break a relationship. You don't want to stuff it up by sending out the wrong signals through inappropriate clothing. Being somewhat of a relationship guru, I can spare you the agony of going through one of those silly wardrobe montages you see so often in the movies.

First date
First impressions are everything. This is how the winners of most reality contests are decided. You want to make sure it looks like you put some effort into looking nice for him but at the same time you don't want to scare him off by being too intense. The best thing to do is to keep things light (in colour), breezy (very little fabric) and fun (no bra).

Second date
Most people think that this is better worn on the first date but then those people are golddiggers. It is only on the second date when you should broach the subject of what other things he can buy you besides dinner. The message on this t-shirt actually works both ways because it shows that you don't condone wallowing in debt as a means to support your lavish lifestyle.

Third date
Wow, third date already. Are you sure he isn't feeling a little stifled? You might want to set a few parameters regarding exclusivity. It will be a relief to him to know that you're serious about being his girl at some point in the future but in the meantime it's also ok for him to bring back other harem slave girls to his perfumed den of iniquity.

Fourth date
Things are really hotting up now that it's ok for him to hold your hand in public. But if you want to be touched in other places, you'll need to convey that desire through a tactile fabric like crushed velour.

Fifth date
Before you take the relationship to the next level, now would be a good time to be perfectly honest with each other. He might not mind that you've been around the block more times than a noisy ice cream van but this dress says that maybe you should both wait a little longer, at least until the yeast infection clears up.

Sixth date
OK this is it! See how this convertible halter top can be manipulated into a variety of different positions to make everything seem 3 times tartier than they actually are? From here on end this versatility and inherent shamelessness is what's going to get you through the rest of the relationship, or at least until the very next morning.

Reader experiences are welcomed so that we might learn to improve our courtship signals. Did your well-planned outfit lead you on the path to blissful love? If you could turn back time to the one that got away, would you have worn things differently?

Another blog to visit: My Wardrobe Today - It takes so long to figure out what to wear most days, I might as well journal it!

Thursday, June 8

Everything is bigger in China

So this is what it means when the newspapers say that China has a big shoe industry. I'm pretty sure that it's cornered the market on big shoes so much so that the Abominable Snowman doesn't shop anywhere else.

When not in use, it can be rented out to the old woman and her brood of hyperactive children. Who knew that Mother Goose would be an economic saviour in a time of overpriced housing markets.

Clearly everything made in China is predicted to grow at the same rate as the country's GDP, leaving the rest of the world looking positively lilliputian by comparison. There have already been several audacious attempts to outsupersize the typical American helping.

For example, in some places, dessert is a townwide affair. Here the dessert in question is the traditional rice pudding - but why are people just standing around contemplating its incandescent deliciousness? Perhaps it's actually being used as a safety trampoline to entice a suicidal businessman to jump off from a ledge 50 feet above. All I know is that it's sweet and sticky and diving into it would feel like a Ghostbuster getting slimed.

If your tastes run more to the Western, then you're in luck because cakes in China now come readymade to serve 10,000 people. This is the sort of cake that solves problems. This is the sort of cake you order when you have no idea how many relatives your parents invited to your wedding reception. This is the sort of cake you wheel out for the revolutionaries so they won't stick your head on a pike after hearing you imperiously proclaim "let them eat cake".

And finally, for those who can't get enough processed meat in their diet.

Rumours are flying thick and fast about a world record but I won't believe it until I see it. They'd better start cracking on their application to the Guinness Book of Records before someone comes along with a toasted hotdog roll and a bucketful of relish. For now, it will have to remain locked in its metal casing and under tight security. This is exactly the sort of thing you don't want to land in the hands of the adult entertainment industry.

Wednesday, June 7

Overheard in a playground for very spoiled kids

Yo mama so dumb she took Paxil instead of vitamins for post-partum depression!

Oh yeah, well yo mama so crazy she signed a contract with Tom Cruise!

What the hell are you staring at? Yo mama so pretentious she said "I just do things I think will be interesting and that have integrity. I hate those tacky, pointless, big, fluffy, unimportant movies” as well as "When you reach the pinnacle of your success at 26, as I did, it's not healthy.”

Nuh uh, yo mama so boringly derivative she dresses you up in Harajuku street fashion.

Oh no it's those stupid redhead twins. Hey yo mama such a bad actress she can't even open a Broadway show.

So's yo mama! Not to mention she has the dodgiest taste in men too.

Yo mama so out of shape, she can't even arouse Donald Trump anymore!

STFU who the hell yo mama anyway? Yo mama so unimportant nobody even remembers whether she was Romy or Michele.

Get lost! Yo mama..uh...uh..yo mama so fine both my parents want to elope to Africa with her!

Shut up just shut up everyone! Stop talking smack about yo mamas or I'll tell my mama what a trashy bunch y'all are!

Tuesday, June 6

This dressing is very tangy and flavourful

Here's a little something to stave off the negative allusions associated with 06/06/06. Now with that out of the way, let's talk about salad and what it can do for you. There's a new philosophy making the rounds in the marketplace which can be encapsulated thus: "If it's good enough to splash vinaigrette on, it's good enough to wear."

It's a shame that most people don't consider checking their fridge crisper drawers first before shopping for clothes. If you look beyond the antioxidants and vitamins, you might just find that vegetables are an important source of vibrant but wearable garments.

The beauty of a tomato head dress is that it can be picked apart to add a real buzz and energy to any live performance, even if you are just an audience member. At any point in time there will be a number of people who make perfect targets for tomato throwing, whether it's the ham actor on stage or the person heckling you from behind because their view has been blocked by your ginormous hat.

Carrots, when eaten, converts into vitamin A which helps to improve vision. Carrots, when worn, not so beneficial for the eyesight.

Sliced fruit really dresses up a plain tunic the same way that it does to a rum punch. I'm getting inebriated in delight with just looking at all the pretty colours.

The full lettuce skirt keeps you looking cool and graceful during the sweltering summer days. But beware of the pervert in sequins and tight shorts who wants to sample your wares. He's really only interested in having a piece of your skirt, not what's under it!

Oh look, it's Tequila Cat's owner, ready and packed for a picnic with beltful of beets and a basket of unidentified yellow goo.

As it is, we've barely scratched the surface of salad fashion for there is plenty more that the fertile mind can create with chili and corn, mini tomatoes and delectable watermelons. However when faced with the incorrigible asparagus, eggplant and the like, there is little one can do other than to produce the most phallically suggestive dress known to mankind.

Another blog to visit: Omiru style for all - Pronounced "oh-MEE-roo," our name is derived from the Japanese word meaning "to see" and that is just what we hope does for you. We want to serve as your guide through the world of fashion and style so that you can see everything there is out there and make it your own.

Monday, June 5

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 50

Would you just look at that! Do my eyes deceive me? Seems like we've reached the 50th instalment already! My how time flies when you're out on the street fumbling about with your digital camera like an incompetent terrorist and his automatic weapon, on the trail of the undeniable scent that is fashion roadkill.

For this special sesqui-something post, I'd like to turn the stage over to the few, the proud, the people who read this blog for a bit of a lark. I hope you're all up for a challenge because I want to weed out the truly gifted. If you've been following the saga closely over the previous 49 volumes, then you have the slight advantage of familiarity. If you've just joined, then I invite you to play along anyway. Beginner's luck is all you need.

I have selected five never-posted-before specimens from the annals of my hard drive. They have a lot to answer for but one of them did not dress themselves. The rest unfortunately did. Study them closely. Can you figure out which one is not to blame for their state of apparel, and while you're at it which one suffers from pattern blindness and which one lives in a home with no mirrors? Partial marks will be given for attempts at reasoning, however implausible they may be.

Exhibit 1

Exhibit 2

Exhibit 3

Exhibit 4

Exhibit 5

Another blog to visit: cherry garcia is good for health - everyone needs a sugar high