Dead or Alive

Although I don't participate in death pools, I think it is important to keep track of who's still around. It avoids the nasty shock of finding out so-and-so passed away months later, and explains all those unreturned calls and unreplied emails. With some personalities, confusion over their mortality status reigns supreme and it can lead to some very tense arguments around the water cooler. Let's try and set the record straight regarding these people. As at the time of writing:

Paul Newman: NOT DEAD.
Josef Stalin: DEAD.
Cinderella: FICTIONAL CHARACTER. IF SHE WAS REAL WOULD PROBABLY HAVE DIED IN HIGH SPEED CAR CHASE THROUGH PARIS TUNNEL WITH HER EGYPTIAN LOVER BY NOW.
Jeremy Irons: NOT SURE. CANNOT FEEL OWN BREATH IN FRONT OF FACE.
Michael Douglas: See Jeremy Irons. PRESENCE OF MINI WREATH ADDS TO CONFUSION.
Farrah Fawcett: NOT DEAD DESPITE LIFE ENDANGERING PLASTIC SURGERY. MOVIE AND TV CAREER ARE OFFICIALLY DEAD.
Tom Cruise: ORIGINAL DISAPPEARED WHILE HANGING OFF A CLIFF DURING FILMING OF MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. REPLACEMENT MODEL IS IN WORKING CONDITION SUBJECT TO OCCASIONAL HARDWARE GLITCHES.
George Clooney's pet pig: NOT DEAD. Don't expect bacon to served at Casa Clooney anytime soon. Besides, Matt "Snowball" Damon would never allow it.

Again, it's important to keep everyone in the loop about the niceties of pig-rearing but things occasionally slip through the cracks. You know that saying about never wrestling with a pig in the mud because you get dirty and the pig enjoys it? Can somebody put that in a memo and send it to Halle Berry.

Hot looks for the wintry season

Word on the street is that Harbin is the place to be this winter. Cheap dumplings and mammoth ice sculptures, I dare you to find a more alluring tourist combination. There's the slight matter of freezing temperatures to contend with but it's nothing that wearing an entire bear farm can't fix.



I can't say I approve of this savagery but hey, when in China do as the proletariat do. A splash of festive red can only mean that the Lunar New Year is fast approaching.



You can probably get by without the Oriental tonsure as long as you have the relevant headwear expertise. Some people naively think they can get by with lavender raccoon trapper hat. These foolhardy fashion victims don't realise that fur hats inherently flawed because they leave certain parts of the head exposed. This winter, it's all about maximum coverage, baby.



Granted you'll have all the appeal of a Pacman monster but when the fur hatters' noses start dropping off from frostbite, you'll chuckle and shake your head at my uncanny foresight. He/she who rugs up, laughs best.

Heavy lifting is not my forte

UPDATE: Yesterday's post has been updated!

In an ongoing effort to keep one step ahead of the creditors, I am moving apartments during this week. Consequently blogging will be blotchy and uneven, with a marked decrease in quality. My posts might not be about fashion. In fact there might not be any posts at all. That is the risk you take when you come here.

I dread the moving process because heavy lifting is not my forte. Once I have decided that my aura will thrive in a particular place, everything else is troublesome minutiae. Anyone who isn't ridden with hernias is welcome to help me with the furniture. In return you will receive a warm cup of Longjing tea and some flirtatious touching on the arm. After that is done (and you have cleaned the air conditioners to my liking), you must never darken my doorstep again.

Do I sound a bit distracted tonight? It's because a cursory stocktake of personal items has unearthed a long-forgotten gift from a good friend. I let it hog the couch temporarily to give you a sense of proportion.



Was she implying that I have a size fetish? It baffled me because these things usually come with instructions. Am I supposed to straddle it uncomfortably with a foppish nervousness that is unique to Hugh Grant?



The banana will follow me to the new place. However I think that I shall need to re-evaluate my friendship.

Lock up your daughters

The red dress on the left has caused parents to take umbrage. My daughter will catch a cold! Think of the less-developed teens! It makes it too damn easy to get to second base, in my day you had to get married first!

It's one of Xcite's 20 most popular prom dresses and I can see why. Yes there the 2 strategically placed boomerangs that can probably be detached and thrown around to demonstrate the amazing laws of physics. But there are also silvery streaks down the front which are highly practical. They help to camouflage any accidents that happen in the back seat of the limo. These senior high school boys, always wanting to get the party started too early.

If you are seeking more prom dresses that offend your sensibilities, visit the Xcite collection. Might as well pop over to the Xtreme section too if it's a slow work day. They're so chintzy, so garish, so...Hong Kong!

UPDATE: A closer look at the furore and further people spout off their views:
"If my daughter had the body to wear it, I'd let her!"
(Salesperson needing a commission)

"It's absolutely too much"
(Parent concerned about the excessive fabric)

"You'd be falling out of it all night"
(Excited Tara Reid fangirl)

"This dress would look great at a prom if the model in the picture wore it, but we don't have any girls like that at our school"
(Voice of reason)

"On the night of the prom, we have chaperones at the entry looking at every dress. We also provide needle, thread and pins to close up holes and fix dresses to the appropriate length."
(Stuffy principal)

When we come to the point girls can't tart themselves up for the prom without being stitched in by the Modesty Police, then we need to take a good hard look at the way our civil liberties are heading. What next, teens will be suspended for turning up drunk at the prom? Oh wait, they already did it at West Beverly High. Donna Martin Graduates!

Bride of Trump

Oh for god's sake. Is it so hard to turn on red eye reduction mode. The gleaming eyes and monstrous bosom have transformed Melania into a couture-clad succubus. And she's waving her rosary in the air like she just don't care.

As a little keepsake of the Wedding of the Century, I've compiled a printable bonbonniere for everybody. Just the facts, plus a little bit more.

Something old
The groom, 57 years old, in tux, white tie and cummerbund by Brioni

Something new
Off-white and gold satin shoulderless Dior couture gown with 13 foot train and 16 foot veil, weighing 60 pounds. Required 28 seamstresses, 1500 rhinestone crystals and 550 hours of labour. Approximate cost $100,000-$200,000 minus discount for Vogue magazine promotion.

Something borrowed
Fred Leighton necklace.

Something blue
Azure coloured underwear from La Perla.

Shoes
Manolo Blahniks with diamond-encrusted ankle straps.

Second gown for the heck of it
White silk tulle goddess-style Vera Wang gown with straps.

Dress code
Black tie except for Cameron Burnett the ring-bearer.

Coincidental dates
Melania was baptised on same day that Donald turned 27 (give or take a few years, my maths is bad).

Rings
$1.5 million 15 carat diamond engagement ring and 13 carat emerald-step wedding band minus discount for promotional appearance on The Apprentice. Replicas available at Bodyjewels.com

Number of crystal chandeliers in grand ballroom
Seventeen.

Flowers
White tulips, orchids, hydrangeas, snapdragons, tea roses, gardenias. Anything white that was flowering in the vicinity.

Menu
Designed by Jean-Georges Vongerichten.
Starter: Steamed Shrimp Salad with Champagne Vinaigrette.
Main course: Roasted Tenderloin of Beef with a Green Peppercorn Sauce and Horseradish Potato Galette.
Dessert: Grand Marnier Chocolate sponge cake with chocolate truffle filling in the shape of a mini wedding cake.

Served on
Palladium Platinum Edge china from Tiffany. The china is a simple white color with an elegant platinum ring around the edge.

Wedding cake
5 foot high 50-pound, seven-tier orange Grand Marnier chiffon cake topped with 3,000 white-icing roses.

Wine
Magnums of Cristal Champagne, 1983, R.D. 2004, from the wine library of Louis Roederer
Classique-Montrachet, Marquis de Laguiche, 2002, a white burgundy
Chateau Lynch-Bages, 1999, Pauillac, a red Bordeaux.

Music
36 piece Michael Rose orchestra.

Tiffany
Wedding invitations engraved by Tiffany & Co.
Bridal registry at Tiffany & Co.
Name of Donald's daughter with second wife Marla Maples.

Prenuptial
Iron-clad. Like the Massey pre-nup, never been penetrated.

Average cost of men's haircut in Slovenia
US$10

Crude comments about Donald Trump's manhood
"It was a long one" (Kathy Hilton)
"This is not normal" (Palm Beach Police Sgt. Dan Szarszewski)
"There was a spontaneous combustion of love" (Don King)
"All I know is it's in a big box" (Mar-a-Lago butler Tony Senecal)

Should you or anybody in your circle realise that working for money is completely overrated and decide to marry your way into obscene wealth, this list will provide a useful starting point for negotiations.

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 25

Hey you, looking all adorable in your baby blue and pink ensemble. Some people choose to wear their heart on their sleeve but you choose to wear it on your back like a dyslexic Care Bear. Some people choose to wear their Fendi in the form of an authentic baguette tucked under the arm but you choose to wear it in the form of Fendissime pants that are as tight as they are fake.



And with that handbag, you belong in a candy shop, yes you do. That's what you are, a sugar-coated lolly in a brightly coloured wrapper but one with really bad taste.



I'm sorry but whatever look you were going for, you missed and landed several light years away. The bow and the neon pink have really put you in the running for world's daintiest lumberjack. Where did you learn to clothe yourself like that anyway? The Daniel Day-Lewis Method school of dressing?