Friday, March 24

In the boardroom with Daddy Trump

Donald Jr
Donald when I first saw you and that familiar-looking chin, I thought you had a great deal of potential. But after your recent performance I don't know if you have what it takes to be a Trump. You were a disaster out there on the golf course last week. I needed you to focus on your swing but your mind wasn't there. I'm still annoyed at how you managed your wedding. The project went over way budget because you went with a Hawaiian theme. Did you check the prices of dolphins and turtles beforehand? You're a good kid and luckily you picked a looker for a wife. That really saved you. If she wasn't my daughter-in-law, perhaps I'd be dating her. Theoretically I still could because she's not a blood relation. You have a think about that because I'm not going to wait around forever for you to lift your game.

Coming into this game, you had two things working against you. Chipmunk cheeks and a trashy sounding name. I think you handled puberty splendidly and you've made me proud to have such a hot daughter. Getting some modelling experience as well as a college degree was a well thought-out strategy. However I feel you should be putting yourself out there more. I want your name to be the first one that comes up when people think heiress. I want you to have your own reality show where you gallivant around the countryside performing acts of random kindness to yokels in return for money. Your immediate challenge is to help the ratings on my show go up. For that you could stand to lose a little more weight and wear more revealing clothing.

Last time we spoke I thought those braces would be coming off. I'm not particularly impressed by what I see. What are you, 12 now? When the child support runs out then what are you going to do? At least if you looked like your mother you could run out and snare a billionaire, maybe even make the marriage last for more than what the prenup is set up for. Your lack of a feasible business plan is very disappointing. However I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because you're still at that awkward age where you're not even aware of the fact that your mother said I was the best sex she ever had. I presume that I am paying for your very expensive education so start making connections with your schoolmates now. I don't see how someone who's the product of good sex and good education can have achieved so little.

To be honest I wasn't too thrilled to have you on board. I have to admit though that you did a good job with the pregnancy. There were no irrational mood swings, bouts of morning sickness and best of all no stretch marks. Melania and I are very pleased and as a reward, you get to spend some valuable time with me on my yacht this week. Every bit of extra time brings you closer to earning paternal love. In the meantime, work on your communication skills and your temper. I saw you scream and throw food at the nanny the other day. If this is how you're going to be like when managing a staff of thousands then I feel pretty comfortable handing the reins over to you.

The time has come when you can no longer coast off being the youngest son. You had nine months to prepare for this yet I don't see you stepping up to the plate of second-youngest son. You're very smart but too quiet. Out of everyone, you make the least contribution to dinnertime conversation. And how long did it take you to pick out a Trump Parc condo to live in? My marriage to your mother was a mess and you, Donny and Ivanka just stood there and let it happen. Which one of you do you think should get fired? See, you can't even make a firm decision about which sibling to backstab. There's also your lack of confidence. Why haven't you brought home a foxy model yet? Don't make excuses. They don't all have herpes. Eric, you're fired. Pack your things and get out of here.

Another blog to visit: EmilyStyle - How to be a fabulous little lady in a big city

Thursday, March 23

Don't you know it's rude to stare?

Oh Good Golly Miss Molly, am I seeing what I'm seeing??!? Bracelet-neck-chain thingys are back in? I hope that bowtie is clip-on otherwise that's going to add at least another 10 minutes to my morning routine! And check out that pair of boots!

Say what you want about LA Fashion Week but I'm picking up all kinds of tips and trends from the Agent Provocateur Show. Come Fall 2006, you're going to be feeling mighty underdressed if you don't have any of these must-have pieces.

Ribbon belts, not just for ample-waisted bridesmaids anymore! They tend to get loose easily so make sure you tie them tight enough so that you hear a rib crack.

The three quarter sleeved cardigan was invented by a minor English nobleman who wanted to be able to don something without disturbing his coiffure when the air conditioning in his office was cranked up way too high but at the same time didn't want crumbs all over his sleeves when taking a delightful sandwich lunch at his desk. Till this day it remains a cute layering essential, especially when in pastel colours.

Does the little black dress even need an introduction? It's a timeless classic that suits just about any occasion. Of course I don't need to tell you that the emphasis should be on little rather than black.

The appearance of absurd novelty sunglasses in the fall collection does not bode well for the future. It means people are expecting Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to still be undeservingly famous six months from now.

Satin gloves are perfect for covering up those hirsute arms. I'd like to ask to get some honest answers from readers on this - after a long winter of neglecting your depilatory routine, have you ever been mistaken for a bear that's just awakened from deep hibernation? Because I get that a lot.

Hooray for the pillbox hat with French netting. Tilted at the correct angle it adds mystique and allure, offering up questions with no good answers. Is she a deadly cruel penis-lopping femme fatale but in a thrilling Hitchcockian twist turns out to be really nice once you get to know her? Is she an amiable, soft-spoken cutie but in a thrilling Hitchcockian twist transforms into a raging backstabbing bitch when you're not around? How does that thing stay on without a chin strap?

Another blog to visit: Hoyden-About-Town - hoyden (hoid'n): woman of saucy, boisterous or carefree behavior

Parlor games that might actually be fun

Games played at Nicollette Sheridan's Bridal Shower

The Buzzword Game
When each guest arrives at the shower, hand them a vibrator. Every time Eva Longoria mentions the word "sex", "orgasm", "naked" or just even opens her mouth to speak everybody gets to slap her on the head with their vibrator. The winner is..everyone really.

The Toilet Paper Game
Divide the guests into several teams. Each team is given 15 minutes to reconstruct the dress below using rolls of toilet paper. The winning team's design will be worn by some starlet at the next major awards ceremony.

The Confetti Cone Race
Help the bride out by having shower guests make confetti-filled cones to be used at the wedding. Have everyone sit around a table with copies of Vanity Fair (the one with Teri Hatcher on the cover), a holepunch and some scissors. Whoever destroys the most magazines in a ten minute period wins a prize.

The Diva Game
Each guest is given a Golden Globe and a swimsuit to wear for a group photo. However anytime someone explodes into a hissy fit over their swimsuit or position in the photo, another guest can snatch away their Golden Globe. The guest with the most Golden Globes at the end of the shower gets to flaunt them in everyone's faces.

The Drawing Game
Each guest is handed a piece of paper, a pen and a blindfold. After putting on a blindfold, their task is to draw what Teri Hatcher would look like on high-definition TV, using as much detail as possible. Give them 2 minutes to finish their drawings and let the bride vote on which is her favourite. The bride can save the artworks as a keepsake and look at them fondly over the years.

The Encore Game
Divide guests into two teams. Write the track titles for Michael Bolton's Greatest Hits (1985-1995) on separate pieces of paper and put them in a bowl. Each team draws a piece of paper and after putting it back in the bowl, has to sing at least 4 verses of that song - this goes back and forth until one of the teams surrenders or passes out from nauseatic headaches.

Another blog to visit: A Socialite's Life - Gossip served up fresh

Tuesday, March 21

Tall Tales from the mystical Far East

So now we know what they've been putting in China's water supply all this time. Clearly the PRC government is counting on nothing less than gold medals in basketball when the Summer Olympics come to town. On the female side, there's Yao Defen who stands at 2.36 metres tall and is probably tired of saying "eyes up here buddy" whenever she meets new men. She would also be a handy addition to the swimming team as it will only take a couple of strokes for her to reach the other end of the pool.

The male side is well represented by Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun who's been recognised by the Guinness Book of World Records as the tallest naturally-growing human being. However the ability to see over people's heads and change a lightbulb without requiring a ladder is not all it's cracked up to be.

For one thing it must be a nightmare trying to find a decent pair of pants. A quick google search for tall clothing threw up the implausible sub-category of "tall PVC clothing". Try chirping "every giant needs a pair of low slung stretch PVC hipsters" in your best sales voice and you'll see what I mean.

Well I wish Ms Yao and Mr Bao the best of luck in whatever nefarious plans the Ministry for Vertically Enhanced has in store for them. If it doesn't work out, there's always the high fashion runway. Good money and steady work for the long-legged except during Ukrainian Fashion Week.

Monday, March 20

You Like, You Buy Vol 42

Oh how times have changed since Marco Polo returned from the mystical Orient laden with chests of Great Wall souvenirs and a fantastic fried rice receipe. Now it is China's turn to import European style and sensibilities by acquiring licenses with classic fashion brands. One such example is Montagut (, which is touted by its website, as "a French successful story".

Indeed the number of little red flags it has amassed across the mainland resembles like the screenshot of some turn-based strategy game. Besides showing us its extensive range of fashion, Montagut's ad campaign is also an educational tool for the Chinese. It provides us with a valuable insight into the surly, foul-tempered malcontent that is the French stereotype.

Most of the male labour force goes to work on BMW bikes which can only mean a whole lot of unfashionably mussed hairdos in the mornings. I cannot think of a worse way to start the day.

On a social level, they're not terribly fun to be around either because of their tendency to blend into the background like small woodland creatures which means that somebody inevitably ends up getting shot or run over.

The male malaise extends to love and relationships. Damn these frigid Gallic maidens and their reluctance to get their freak on underneath a makeshift treehouse.

There are several things for a man in this position to be disgruntled about. He has Rosie O'Donnell hair, plus he's decked out like a human traffic safety system. At least his date is oblivious to his shortcomings, thanks to the wonders of a thick blunt fringe.

It seems like the only happy couples in France are the circus folk but good luck with trying to remove those in a hurry. They appear to be quite content with admiring each other's gender neutral bodies for the time being anyway.

Finally, you'll be glad to learn that letting your children play unsupervised with chandeliers doesn't always result in electrocution. Don't rule out mild shock though.