Friday, November 25

What every self-respecting man should own

Oh look, China has finally succumbed to giving their people the freedom of sexy lingerie. Which is a good thing, considering that mistresses are back in vogue. To make a decent go of it, a guy should aim for a collection of seven. That may seem like a lot but when you consider how many pairs of shoes women hoard, it's really not much at all. Here is a guide to the seven mistresses every Chinese man should own.

Your first mistress should ultimately be more trouble than she is worth. She is at once tantalizing but seemingly impenetrable. You will incur papercuts trying to get close to her and will ultimately decide that she serves merely a decorative purpose.

In contrast, the second mistress should be a little more adventurous and open to suggestions. She should, for example, be willing to put on a clear plastic raincoat and roleplay scenes from Bladerunner.

The next one would be what the others refer to as "the slutty one". They are jealous because she is often found on her hands and knees, removing dust from hard-to-reach corners.

I also recommend that you get one who is musically inclined. She should be able to given an instrumental performance while dressed in something superbly tacky. In other words, she should strive to be like a member of Bond.

Consider diversifying your portfolio with a Caucasian. She won't be happy about having to share you but you can placate her with various items formerly used to dress up a table at a Pink Princess Tea Party.

You also want one who's a bit of traditionalist. She wears her traditional values close to her heart, nothing around her mid-section, and a dainty flower next to her auspiciously coloured hooha.

Finally, you should nab the low-maintenance one. The one who is so convenient and economical that she comes with her own portable makeshift boudoir. You never know when it might come in handy.

Another blog to visit: Almost Girl - Where Plato and Prada Meet. Check out the past week of Black Friday blogging.

Thursday, November 24

All good things must come to an end

Looking on the bright side, the price of I Do: Achieving Your Dream Wedding might drop, benefiting all potential brides who plan on having no more than 3 years of wedded bliss (some of which would involve a little fakery, especially towards the end).

Their announcement comes shortly after Vera Wang was awarded as international fashion designer of the year in China and opened her first boutique in Shanghai. This makes me fear for the sanctity of marriage in China. You may recall that Jessica wore a strapless beaded Vera Wang gown at her fairytale wedding. Had she chosen Badgley Mischka or Christian Lacroix, Newlyweds could well have lived to see another season. Let's see how other Vera Wang brides have fared:

Holly Hunter & Janusz Kaminski
Status: Divorced after 6 years

Uma Thurman & Ethan Hawke
Status: Divorced after 5 years. Uma is planning to remarry. Ethan continues to lack basic hygiene.

Mariah Carey & Tommy Mottola
Status: Divorced after 5 years. Wedding dress used again in video for "We belong together".

Sharon Stone & Phil Bronstein
Status: Divorced after 5 years. Sharon was inexplicably present at Christina Aguilera's recent wedding.

Vanessa Williams & Rick Fox
Status: Divorced after 5 years.

Andie McDowell & Rhett Hartzog
Status: Divorced after 3 years.

Jamie-Lynn Sigler (Meadow Soprano) & AJ Discala
Status: Seeking divorce after less than 3 years. Husband is reportedly dating Krista Allen, a soft-core porn star and George Clooney's ex.

Sophia Bush & Chad Michael Murray, co-stars of One Tree Hill
Status: Separated after 5 months. Husband was rumoured to be cheating with Paris Hilton, among others, on the set of House of Wax.

Victoria and David Beckham
Status: Accused by tabloid of "cynically and hypocritically trying to convince the public that they continue to enjoy a happy marriage".

Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck
Status: Did not make it down the aisle. Ben Affleck has since taken Jennifer Garner to be his wife, leading to the cancellation of Alias after five seasons.

Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony
Status: Still going strong. Maybe.

Way to go, Vera the marriage-killer. Listen up, future brides from China, she may have inveigled her way into Shanghai under all that lace and tulle but don't allow her to destroy the foundation of matrimony, the very binding fabric of our society! Step away from the dress. For the sake of your marriage, put the dress down and just step away from the dress.

Wednesday, November 23

The element of surprise

There's never been a better time than NOW to be pregnant. Gone are the days where pregnant women were relegated to muumuus in unattractive shower curtain prints. Nowadays top designers are incorporating wait that word sounds so ungainly....prenatal pieces in their ready-to-wear collections.

The best thing of all is that these looks are already so widely accepted as high fashion that nobody even has to know about your pregnancy. You have the advantage of the element of surprise. You can let people know only when your water breaks all over their designer shoes or schedule some vacation time and return with a healthy baby as a souvenir.

Stella McCartney offers this smart disguise for expectant mothers in high-powered careers, ones involving handheld devices that demand more attention than a wailing infant. With such corporate attire you can go to work everyday, secure in the knowledge that your peers haven't put their names down for your office and secretly divided up your clients and stationery amongst themselves.

Donna Karan insists that black hides all sins! Wear this to family gatherings and avoid having to deal with disapproving relatives. If having a baby out of wedlock is good enough for Tom and Katie, then it's good enough for you and babydaddy.

Remember that in your situation, more is more! With this Gianfranco Ferre number, who would suspect that a fetus is growing under these voluminous folds of fabric. Even the most intrepid gynaecologist would get lost in there.

According to Jessica Ogden, if you're feeling bloated and frumpy you might as well look it.

Marc Jacobs, bless his soul, has actually brought muumuus in unattractive shower curtain prints back into the spotlight.

No matter how big you get, you're safe in this creation by Michiko Koshino. Like a concertina, it expands to accommodate your increased girth and engorged breasts. But like a stupid scarecrow, you will be unable to put your arms down.

After you've given birth, there's no need to get back into shape quickly, unless you have a lucrative lingerie modelling contract. Just look at how roomy these pants are!

Another blog to visit: Get On the Blandwagon! - You can go anywhere on the Blandwagon! As long as it's bland!

Tuesday, November 22

Crazy patents

If necessity is the mother of invention then "having too much free time to spare" is clearly its bastard father. I cannot think of any other way to explain this section of Free Patents Online. True, I have thought up several hare-brained ideas during my idle lunchtimes. But never in a million years would I have put pen to paper and given them form - it makes it *that* much easier for the courts to have you committed later on.

Kissing shield

The Kissing Shield promotes safe kissing (even with tongue involved) among people who simply must plant their lips on anything that moves. With this plastic faceguard, you can succumb to lust and noisily make out with someone whose mouth is covered with open festering sores. It is also recommended for politicians who kiss babies on the election trail. Yeah, like people are going to use something that's bigger than a dental dam and firmer than cling wrap for kissing babies.

Pet display clothing

Scanning the list led me to realise that a fair few of these patents involve mind-f**king with your pets. The pet display clothing provides about a minute's worth of novelty but after that, it's just sad and smacks of someone trying to raise the bar at Show and Tell. You just know that some people are going to add a little length to the vest in order to experience the sensation of a gerbil scampering about their groin and buttocks. Worst of all is the lack of pocket space:
"Fluid wastes tend to gravitate to the pocket facilitating collection and removal while the passageways and pockets can be rinsed by attachment to a faucet."

Smoker's hat

This convoluted contraption is supposed to improve the air around a smoker and make smokers more socially acceptable to non-smokers. However I'm betting that a non-smoker would rather have cigarette smoke blown straight into their face and ash flicked all over their clothes, than be caught standing next to someone wearing a range hood at a dinner party. They'll need to start replacing the warning stickers on cigarette packs with "smoking will make you die of embarrassment" - it will be a worse deterrent that way.

Animal Ear Protection

Really, there has to be some better way than sticking two toilet rolls over your dog's ears. What about some plastic banana clip combs or a velvet scrunchie, passe as they are in the human world. Food stains can easily be washed away but the image of your pet running around like a wannabe cheerleader will haunt you forever.

User operated amusement for kicking the user's buttocks

Because it's just so much more fun when you do it yourself. According to the description, the amusement apparatus was built with an audience in mind. Presumably the same audience targeted in "Nights in Casa Butts" and "The Spanke Shoppe".

Another blog to visit: Ladycrackerland - more bang for your buck.

Monday, November 21

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 41

Still don't know where to go for your Xmas holidays? Up until recently I was in a similar position. Then I started idly browsing through my collection of fashion roadkill, and all of a sudden I was brimming with ideas. Let me inspire you as well.

Christmas means crass commercialism means massive sales around the world! Take an extended shopping trip to your favourite bargain spot. Discounted handbags, shoes, cosmetics - kill, maim and burn your way through the crowd and they'll be yours for the taking! While you're at it, pick up a new pair of pants too.

The friendly tropical islands await you! Long walks on the beach and holding hands. Soaking up the sun while drinking exorbitantly priced cocktails. In no time, you'll return with a fabulous golden tan to match that cheery castaway outfit of yours.

Experience the thrill of a lifetime on a safari! You'll get up close and personal with majestic wild beasts, maybe invite them back to your luxury tent for a drink. Shoot some game in the head and wear the spoils of your victory!

Just simply stay at home! With everyone else out of town, now is the opportunity to indulge in a little personal "me" time. Lie around in your pyjamas all day, staring at the tv in a drunken stupor. When the booze and junk food run out, pop out to the convenience store to restock. Don't bother to change because hey, the rules of normal dressing don't apply when you're on vacation.