Friday, September 8

It's not a girl!

What's happening here? Britney Spears hasn't even delivered yet and already a wave of euphoria has gripped Japan. However this has nothing to do with the latest Federline meal-ticket and everything to do with the sanctity of the Chrysanthemum Throne. After 40 years of waiting, one of the princesses finally did the very thing they exist to do and delivered a male heir. Public reaction could be gauged by the number of people celebrating openly in the streets in a sort of impromptu male-pride festival.

Unsurprisingly the elder generation has been the most pleased with the arrival of the prince. One little old lady says, "The monarchy is a serious institution that is built on the strength of its male members. Let's leave the little girls to vapid Hollywood celebrities. By the way I heard the baby has Asian eyes and looks a bit like Chris Klein."

These men have been told by their mothers and wives that the baby prince is a good thing, so they too are absolutely jubilant at the news.

Meanwhile little schoolboys are overjoyed that they won't be subjected to the whims of a prissy little princess who might just one day decide that all school uniforms have to be pink. Their teachers are inwardly gloating that now the royal tutors will know what it's like to have a little boy around.

Other babies have also started pouring in their well-wishes to the imperial household. This one is particularly relieved that the looming constitutional crisis and thorny questions of succession law reform have been averted for now.

And how is the Princess Aiko (formerly the leading contender for the throne) taking this life-altering development? According to palace sources the Princess has described the idea of having a new cousin as awesome but not as awesome as a pony from the stables of the Dutch royal family. But as she grows older, cloak & dagger intrigue and plotting of the highest order might become necessary if she decides on "ruling a nation" as a career. Just as well Macbeth is her favourite bedtime story.

Next update: Monday September 11

Wednesday, September 6

A second chance to squander

Now that the GREAT SURI CRUISE REVEAL has taken place we can all lie back in relief, safe in the knowledge that the world is right again. Another great piece of news is that Hong Kong banker Mimi Monica Wong has won back a respectable sum of US$8 million from the most overpriced salsa dance instructors in the world. This means that she is now free to fritter away money on another fruitless venture, apart from trying to obtain exclusive access to certain celebrity baby pictures because in case you hadn't heard the GREAT SURI CRUISE REVEAL has already happened. Based on speaking to really rich but really naive people, I have identified the best options available to Ms Wong.

For a ridiculous sum roughly equivalent to her divorce settlement, Jessica Simpson will teach you a new dancesport called roller-flamenco. There is only move involved - the rest involves being gently pushed along by a crew of stylists, handlers and assistants.

High net worth individuals are in luck because for a limited time, Donald Trump is giving one-on-one seminars titled "Baseball: the Elegance, Poetry and a Whole Lot More in Motion".

US$8 million can go a long way in paying for surgical enhancements not covered by medical insurance. These valuable add-ons can ultimately help you find the rapper-actor of your dreams.

After purchasing your new body, there might be some left over for body expression lessons. The best courses are based in Venezuela and teaches you the subtle difference between standing on a street corner and a pageant stage.

Why not give it away to people who really need it? There are many avenues for performing noble charity work such as moving as many units of Paris Hilton's self-titled CD as possible, so that she can reach her rightful place at the top of the charts.

Or just do what every other wealthy woman in Hong Kong does - blow it all away on shopping while still looking dissatisfied with the life fate has dealt them.

Next update: Friday September 8

Monday, September 4

Dressage has everything to do with clothing

Lifestyle health and safety alert! Well-to-do people have been falling off horses lately, mainly because they haven't been taking the necessary precautions to manage risk and create a friendly horsey environment for all. When a horse kicks up a ruckus, it's no accident - often times it is merely voicing displeasure at your fashion choices. A few simple tweaks to your equestrian attire can tame even the most sullen of beasts.

Some horses have deep-seated issues and desires dating back to their days as foals in repressed boarding schools. They make a big show of being unruly because they enjoy being disciplined, but only if a sexy headmistress is involved.

Protective gear is a must unless Humpty Dumpty is your role model. Wrap the riding helmet in swathes of jersey cloth to prevent dislodgement. The body must also be bound tightly by a large bandage to minimise breasts and other swelling.

If you watched the movies National Velvet and International Velvet, you will know that the star in each instance was the fabric, not the horse or its rider. Wear this and swish-clop swish-clop your way to victory.

Long loose flowing gowns are probably the safest thing you can wear for horse riding. Most times you will get tangled up so tightly with the tack, you'll stay on no matter how bumpy the ride.

Horses can sense when they are carrying someone whose sentiments are less than patriotic. Fortunately, thanks to blinkers they are oblivious to pants that are too tight and boots that are too tacky.

With proper wardrobe planning, it is possible for heavily pregnant women to enjoy an exhilarating horseback experience. Remember to shield your delicate condition well otherwise you'll only end up spooking the horse.

Next update: Wednesday 6 September