Friday, December 16

Young Hollywood needs your support

Hel-lo, this is Sean Penn. Actor, filmmaker, journalist and above all tireless crusader. Today I've come to speak to you about one of my pet causes. It's been a while since I had one, but a voice that is seldom heard is a voice that is heard the loudest.

What worries me the most today is the decline of Hollywood. The decline of a system of which I am at once an independent commentator and an integral player. As my peers and I honed our craft to perfection and connected profoundly with movie audiences, we protected our industry from American mediocrity. But somewhere along the line we forgot to pass on important values to the next generation.

Left to run unchecked, they live by a loose moral code and bad principles. The social decay is so evident that it's not abstract anymore. Everywhere I go, I am confronted with Young Hollywood's stubborn, selfish refusal to put on a damn bra.

As a longtime follower of actresses' breasts, I find myself being unable to appreciate the new talent. This hurts not only me, my audience, but also the actresses themselves. After all, appreciating breasts is, for any woman, the ultimate act of appreciation. I am a Goldilocks in the strange and bewildering house of the Three Bears - there's either too much for my liking or too little.

How did we end up in this predicament? Well I can pinpoint the exact moment in 2002 when it all started to go downhill. From then on, there was no longer respect of the undergarment. Is it any wonder that when some starlets go past 25, their breasts have completely slid right off their chests?

I have enlisted some friends, mostly publicists and photographers, to help me in my campaign to restore Hollywood to its perky glory. Don't be alarmed if there's some screaming and scenery-chewing involved. There always is. The goal is to get them back up to about shoulder level.

Jude Law, one of our finest actors, has even volunteered to assist with bra-fittings.

I'm also scheduled to be at the 2006 Academy Awards to present the Best Actress Oscar, so be prepared for some powerful and unscripted words then. When I take to the stage the nominees better be wearing some damn good pushup bras.

Thursday, December 15

Extending my audience reach

Looking at this blog over the past year, I've noticed that my posts have a tendency to alienate a very important part of the population. It was completely unintentional on my part and I apologise for neglecting the very very rich. Going forward, all that's about to change. In the new year I hope to pander to the seriously wealthy. Maybe some of them will let me into their gilded world and make me their token poor friend.

Actually why don't we start now, with me telling you about all the expensive stuff you need to buy for this Xmas, and you inviting me up to Aspen (or wherever the "playground of the rich" is these days) for the weekend.

Teddy bear

Cost: US$41,000
Things to know: The "Bejeweled 125 carat Teddy Bear" was made by Steiff to celebrate 125 years of quietly efficient German teddy bear making. There are only 125 worldwide, which means that poor old Africa will probably miss out again. The bear's pupils are made of two sapphire cabochons (total approximately 12 carats) surrounded by forty diamonds (total approximately one carat). Its nose and mouth have been worked in pure 24 carat gold and it is covered in gold silk mohair. Like Tom Cruise, it is 50 cm tall and stuffed with wood shavings.

Dog necklace

Cost: US$41,500
Things to know: The 30 carat Rio Diamond necklace for dogs contains 693 diamonds set in 18-carat white gold. Available at Strangely enough some of the dogs on the same website look like the ladies who lunch downtown, which means that the necklace has great reusable value, should your puppy tire of it.

Snoopy figurine

Cost: US$46,903.
Things to know: A Japanese jeweller produced 10 of these to commemorate Snoopy's 55th anniversary. It does nothing except stand there, encrusted with black, white and pink diamonds and thinking platinum encased thoughts. No bobblehead feature even. As Lucy Van Pelt said to Charlie Brown: "We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know."


Cost: US$198,197
Things to know: Master perfume-dude Clive Christian has concocted a scent so special that there are only ten bottles available - five at Harrods and five at Bergdorf Goodman. "Imperial Majesty" comes in a Baccarat Crystal bottle with an 18 carat gold collar and 5 carat diamond stud. It is also delivered in a Bentley car instead of a soggy crumpled brown package. I could probably pour the contents out and pee in it, and it would still cost the same.


Cost: US$1.65 million
Things to know: Designed by a Japanese pastry chef, this fruitcake is composed of 223 small diamonds. The chef claims that it took 7 months in the making which is an awfully long time in my opinion. I thought it was a matter of just throwing it all into the batter and following the instructions on the box. The big question is, how do you slice up the cake to ensure an equal distribution of wealth? Sorry, that was a tad socialist.

Wedding dress

Cost: US$1.7 million
Things to know: Yes, it is from Japan again but can you blame them? Their economy is happening again! This platinum wedding dress designed by Keiji Tagawa is a smorgasboard of jewels - 1,250 platinum beads plus thousands of pearls, aquamarines, moonstones and crystals. Not to mention the platinum strings from 0.3 microne foil. Have the prenup say that if you both don't make it to your platinum wedding anniversary, she can have the dress and melt it down into a necklace or something. She'd be a fool to turn down your proposal.

Another site to visit: Mary Ellen's Sweet Soaps - Whether you are a gold digger or just aspiring to be one...we have put a positive spin on this negative notion! The bag reads "She's savvy 'n sweet and fashionably complete". SO be a gold digger or just bathe like one with this 3 ounce glittering gold soap nugget.

Wednesday, December 14

It's the thought that counts

Hi guys, I'm guessing from the sheer panic in your eyes that you need my help again. Ladies, please stop reading now unless you want to ruin your Xmas surprise. OK guys, Christmas is make or break time. It's your last chance to redeem yourself for the past year of missing important dates, not getting along with her parents and getting along too well with her best friend by buying the most panty-melting gift ever. The key is carefully planned spontaneity. Don't be afraid to be adventurous. Don't be afraid to be quirky. Don't be afraid to be intimate.

There might be some things she wants to change about herself. There might be some things that YOU want to change about her. Well actions speak louder than words so why not go ahead and schedule her on a Cosmetic Vacation! There is no better place than Brazil - after all they are the WORLD LEADER in buttock surgery. While she's recuperating in the hotel you can tour Rio de Janeiro on your own and check out the genetically perfect babes. I guarantee you'll see neither post-op scars nor bikini tops on those pristine beaches.

If you both can't afford to go away this Christmas, then spend it all on making her feel like she's on holiday. Charmaine Louise ( specialises in the type of crochet couture that lays rest to all your resortwear questions. A trendy capelet for the stiff breeze, a string bikini to turn up the heat! She might even be able to do a couple of strokes before sinking to the bottom of the heated pool.

Bonuses weren't big this year. While you were slaving away in the world of office serfdom, old Ebenezer Scrooge was busy counting how many gold coins it would take to buy his mistress new breasts. Well to make sure you get value for money, you'd better get her something that she'll use regularly. Like, every month for instance. DivaCup is a reusable silicone alternative to tampons that holds about as much as a plastic medicine cup. Just don't mistake the two and you'll be fine. It even comes in two sizes, so leave the tampons where they belong (on Christmas trees) and let's just stop there shall we before I make the mistake of surrendering to a really awful pun like "let it flow!".

Blog to vote for: Shaky Kaiser is nominated as Best Asian blog in The Weblog Awards.

Tuesday, December 13

Gardening glamour

Congratulations to Miss Iceland Unnur Birna Vilhjalmsdottir for winning the coveted title of Miss World. She can now look forward to a year travelling round the world, doing the same thing as Miss Universe does, but with slightly less prestige and media coverage.

In the Asia-Pacific category, Miss Korea was crowned queen of the region. Here she is pictured on the right (with our very own Miss Hong Kong on the left way) wearing a dress featuring the Esso Tiger. Corporate sponsorship, it's the only way to succeed these days, I tell you.

This year though, all the unforgettable fashion moments were not to be found on the night, but in the pre-show activities instead. The highlight was the tree planting ceremony at the "Beauty Crown Centre" where some zany sitcom-style misunderstanding arose between the wardrobe department and event organisers. Anyhow, it served to show that ecological conservation and glamour can go hand in hand, albeit very awkwardly like two teenage cowboys on a first date.

Ever prepared for the unexpected, Miss USA confidently brought out her curling iron and her all-occasion little black dress.

She may have came in third place, but Miss Puerto Rico is quite a handful. You can't take her anywhere without her top falling off. And look how crooked that tree is. How many rum cocktails have you had today, missy? Only one, I swear.

Miss Peru seemed to think it was Gypsy Night down at the local club - free drink with every fortune told + $5 shrimp buffet.

If points were being given out for this event, Miss Britain would be the winner. Not only was she dressed for a garden party of sorts (and therefore closest to the mark) but check out her lovely bead and sequin toolkit!

I can't say that I was a big fan of Miss Slovenia. There was a cocky way in which she wore lingerie with protective boots that suggested she'd done it all before, and had it taped for her boyfriend's enjoyment.

Meanwhile the remaining delegates just stared in bewilderment at the tree plots before them, wondering where all the hot young male gardeners had gotten to.

As for Miss Italy, I think it would be safe to say that no digging was done by her on that day.

Blog to vote for: Riding Sun is nominated as Best New blog in The Weblog Awards.

Monday, December 12

You Like, You Buy Vol 37

Founded in China, touts itself as the world's largest online business-to-business marketplace. While it caters for tradespeople rather than the retail public, it's interesting to know that there's some pretty whacked stuff on offer there. In particular, the apparel and fashion section serves as a sobering reminder that someone out there is actively churning out crap and someone else is actively stocking it up to sell to us.

After a short time on the site, I had already found some reliable leads to supply me with the items shown below. Before you point and laugh, remember that all this could soon be coming to a store near you.

Ties that even someone whose senses have been dulled by alcohol may think twice about wearing

A bag that washed up on the shore beside a hungover mermaid

The "even my kid could paint better than that" top

A blazer that appeals to your duelling personas

Animals that lost their lives in a dye factory explosion

Ill-fitting doggie clothing

Frilled culottes that started out as jeans but had a mid-life crisis

And last but not least, underwear that looks fantastic on the lower torso of an illuminated mannequin....

...but not so great on a human who's in between yard cleanups (maybe Not Safe For Work).

Blog to vote for: Simon World is nominated as Best Asian blog in The Weblog Awards.