Friday, February 17

Smooth as ice

Dance moves that male Olympic figure skaters might use in combination with cheesy pick-up lines at nightclubs

Excuse me madam, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?

The name is Bond. James Bond.

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

You're on my list of things to do tonight.

Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Are those "space pants"?...your ass is out of this world!

The word for the night is "legs". Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Thursday, February 16

Transylvania Fashion Week

Darlings, can you smell it in the air? The smell of sophisticated style? Prepare yourselves for a fabulous frenzy of frocks because it's Transylvania Fashion Week! Not even a bag of garlic and a bottle of holy mineral water can keep Countess magazine away from this highlight of the local calendar.

Every year we at Countess go through the same rigmarole of lying, biting and staking our way to an invite to the most popular shows. Then when we arrive, we are herded unceremoniously by evil creatures clad from head to toe in black to a dark and gloomy mausoleum wherein we wait for several lifetimes for the show to begin. You won't find a more fun experience in all of the steep and wild Transylvanian hills.

We are very excited to hear that there will be some new faces on the catwalk. Fresh blood is always welcome around these parts. It will come as no surprise that the collections will be dominated by eveningwear. Industry insiders are hailing the return to the decadent glamour which our kind do best.

Who can forget last year's disastrous attempt at "ballroom shorts"? We've never been so glad to see an end to ghastly pasty legs terrorising the dance floor. Expect luxurious long gowns in body conscious cuts but with enough movement for the faster tempos in the Dance of the Vampires.

We've also been given a sneak peek at some of the special stage sets and effects. At least one designer has imported custom mirrors which have the models' reflections painted on them, giving them the appearance of being human. Clever!

Designers are very keen to vamp it up this season so two big trends to crave for are bare backs and the colour red. Worn together or separately, you'll have so much fun partying away in these sexy pieces you'll probably forget about sunrise until it's too late!

We'll be bringing you non-stop coverage all week so be sure to check our daily missives, delivered by bat right to your castle doorstep. Remember, being undead has never been more fashionable!

Another blog to visit: Emilystyle - How to be a fabulous little lady in a big city

Wednesday, February 15

Sports Illustrated synopsis

Meet the $30 million bikini. How can something so expensive look so cheap? Well the cost of airbrushing must have skyrocketed lately. You half expect James Caan to come storming in and yelling at Delinda to put some clothes on. It doesn't look that way but there's supposed to be 150 carats worth of diamonds in that baby. One hundred and fifty. That's more than Molly Sims' weight + her IQ + my IQ.

I'm actually quite pleased about this turn of events because I thought she would never be putting her body to good use again. It was only recently that she seemed so determined to become a serious actress or a half-serious nun.

For more indepth analysis into Molly Sims' jewels, you can purchase the latest edition of Sports Illustrated. You can't miss it - it's the one where 8 of the most beautiful women in the world are melded together to form a heaving mass of sand and sexy (they seem like they are cold, hence the huddling together, but in those positions we don't know how cold exactly).

Of course it's all also available on the website for your instant gratification. This year's edition promises Heidi Klum in nothing! but! paint! and Maria Sharapova in her ever declining trajectory towards Anna Kournikova's current destination.

All the old favourites are also there - Elle McPherson, Rachel Hunter, Rebecca Romijn ex-Stamos and frankly they all could stand to use a bit of that John Frieda Blonde Hair Repair. Honestly, check out Elle's shoot. Even the Lion King looked better when he was going through the trauma of [WARNING SPOILER!] patricide. There's lots more to explore on this site so I'm sure I'll be visiting again when I have an idle moment at work and need some new desktop pictures. Finally it is worth mentioning the 360 degree views player. It's the only section where you get to see totally topless shots.

Tuesday, February 14

Give me some of that Western influence

This Valentine's Day give her the dumbest thing you can think of. That's right, because women will put anything in their mouths. While Valentine's Day isn't traditionally an Asian festival, I must say that we have been getting into the swing of things. Normally we celebrate love by praying that we don't end up with a consumptive hunchback who can't afford to buy his lover loads of designer handbags.

Embossed roses have made a splash in the market (just to make sure you don't mistake a bouquet of red roses on this romantic of days as a message of HATE). It's only a matter of time before we start embossing messages of love and fidelity on our body parts, only to realise that laser removal is painful and more expensive than a divorce with no pre-nup involved.

In their weakened, eager-to-please state, men start falling prey enmasse to the wedding trap. Statistics show that Valentine's day is the most popular trap used by women after accidental pregnancy. On any other day a life commitment would seem inappropriate but today is all about showing her a good time even if you have to put on a tuxedo and march down the altar to your impending doom.

As pointed out by the The Bling Blog many couples are choosing to give each other the gift of more pronounced, Caucasian features. Again this is an idea that was popularised in the West by happy customers such as David Gest & Liza Minelli, the Jackson family and most Hollywood couples over the age of 25.

What big steps we have taken to embrace the rampant commercialism of this special event. Now, if only we could overcome our fear of intimacy.

Monday, February 13

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 46

It's only February and already so many people have broken their resolutions not to wear leather pants in public. A pair of leather pants is like that ex-lover you keep going back to even though you know too well they're no good for you. One alluring whiff of that unmistakable premium cowhide and before you know it, all the rest of your clothes are thrown aside.

Doesn't the thrill of flouting all the fashion rules make you feel baaaaad (but in a good way)? A studded strap and comfy goodness that's the most perverted thing I've seen you do yet.

This sort of temporary gratification is ok if you know your boundaries. But when your shoulders and knees start feeling embarrassed for you, I think it's time for friends to stage an intervention.

Once you've past a certain age, certain liberties are no longer for taking. Just accept that things have changed. You've grown a little older, a little wiser...also a little taller.

In the clear unobscured light of day, it is painfully obvious that the leather of yesteryear no longer meets your princely and sophisticated needs. It exited ungracefully sometime in the late 1980s, together with shoulderpads and a skintight fit around your legs. The only time you should ever encounter it is in highly circumspect circumstances. I don't know what sort of business transaction is going on here but I'll wager it involves talcum powder of merchantable quantity.

Another site to visit: The Museum at FIT - The first exhibition to examine the multi-faceted career of Lucien Lelong will open at the Fashion Institute of Technology on February 28, 2006.