Hot discussion topics

Top 10 discussion topics at Chinese family reunion dinners

1. Hello Kitty pin exchange!

2. Detailed progress report on Uncle No. 4's hemorrhoids

3. Where to find places that stock good quality counterfeit toothpaste

4. Cousin No. 15's law school graduation, final grades, starting salary and signing bonus

5. How incredibly disappointing it must be to have a child who didn't study law or medicine.

6. Badminton - sport of kings

7. The appalling food in Italy due to lack of good Chinese restaurants

8. The weight and appearance of the person at the table with the lowest self-esteem

9. Latest lap dance moves learnt at the over 50s social dance class

10. The price of kumquats

Lose the Hair

Put your cans of hairspray and your parrot companion away because big hair is on the way out. Vamoosh! I don't expect to see it again until Dallas: The Movie gets off the ground. In fact the pendulum has swung so far the other way that everyone is offloading as much hair possible, dumping it faster than a prom date who won't put out.

Other than cocaine mixed in with diet pills, losing masses of hair is the quickest way to lose weight this season! And all without affecting your social attractiveness. Case in point, Natalie Portman whose volish appearance hasn't hurt her dating prospects a single bit.

From now on, big hair is something that's best left to Phil Spector, porn stars and their handbags:


oh, and disconcerting vases:


But a word of caution for those of you who are famous or planning on becoming famous in the future. There's some kind of unscrupulous human hair trade going on, and its tentacles have spread deep into suburban salons. I'd be careful when getting that back hair or Brazilian wax too. To be on the safe side, whenever you go to one of these places, ask for your removed hair to be put in a doggy bag, to go.

I don't think it's appropriate to speculate on why someone would want to collect celebrity hair clippings, but I'll do it anyway. Perhaps he is desirous of creating a famous beard, one that eclipses the fame of Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz AND Katie Holmes put together.

Which makes me wonder about the street value of a Hong Kong celebrity's hair, someone like the freshly shorn Aaron Kwok. It will fetch a princely sum no doubt, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Pimp My Wrist

Do you know what the time is? Time to upgrade your bland wristwatch into something pimpin'! Well have we got some hot iced goods here today! It's enough to turn you into a rapping gangsta daddy or booty slamming ghetto ho made good, whichever takes your fancy. Excuse me while I get my freak on.

Christian Dior


You can always rely on Dior to overbauble everything. However there was no hope of ever fitting all of it onto the one watch. What they've done is left the watch intact, added a larger working area and hope that the glue holds. At a glance this craft project looks like it's been attacked by flecks of spittle. Rich man's spittle.

Antoine Preziuso


This watch model is called "Pop Art" but trying to find any artistic merit here is like trying to find pleasure in sloughing the dead skin off the soles of my feet. Visually speaking, this watch appears to be suffering from eczema or venereal disease or both.

Chopard


Diamonds on the loose! Inside your watch! The diamonds are there to remind you of the exquisite luxury that defines your lifestyle. The gold is there to remind you of that you are most definitely upper class. The bows are there to remind you that you have not even the slightest modicum of taste whatsoever.

Chopard again

This watch is for the woman whose heart is as hard and cold as the diamonds devouring it. By buying this watch you can buy her heart too. However the rest of her body will cost extra.

Piaget

Somewhere in this wrist cuff lies a watch. It's probably best to ignore people who come up and ask what the time is, because you'll go blind just trying to answer their question.

Maurice Lacroix

Is that the type of watch that mermaids wear so that they can rise to the surface and lure sailors to their deaths in a punctual fashion? As a creature of the land, it's a bit unsettling to be confronted with a starfish humping a timepiece. For one thing, starfish are supposed to be asexual. Unlike mermaids of course and their wanton watery ways. Stupid, sexy mermaids.

Aging gracefully

While facial reconstruction experts are busy pottering about their Royal Egyptian Mummy project, my own team of forensic scientists have also been conducting valuable research. Using advanced biometrics technology and what have you, they have managed to artificially age some of our best-loved faces by at least 30 years.

Step into my wonderful Delorean time machine and see how today's starlets will weather the toll of paparazzi, short-lived relationships, substance abuse and above all, the tanning booth.

Hilary Duff


Britney Spears


Mischa Barton


Lindsay Lohan


Paris Hilton


Jessica Simpson


Unfortunately in some cases, this exercise could not be done because the aging process had already set in at an alarming rate.

Dressing the animal kingdom

Thus completes man's domination over the canine species. This victory comes after cats were humiliated into accepting us as masters a few years ago when Catprin Tailor for Cats took the internet by storm.

On my last visit to Japan I didn't have to look very far to find a Catprin stall. Those little outfits were hanging on every street corner, waiting to pounce on any passing cat. Much to my perverse delight, I managed to find a costume that wasn't included on the official website, one of their "limited editions" perhaps:



I invite you to Japanise it with a suitably bizarre caption that makes less and less sense upon repeated readings.

In man's neverending quest for societal advancement, he is often faced with the question - which pet shall I dress up next? Which one will it be? Well, FERRET come on down! You're the next contestant on "Primp My Pet"!



The Ferret Store appears to have cornered the market on ferret apparel. Their designs are wholesome and not at all tarty so you shouldn't worry that you're sending your ferret out with the wrong messages. Once you've figured out how to get the clothing onto its long slender Prada-model-type body without contracting rabies it's time to let it out of the house.

Watch that fully-clothed ferret chase down a squirrel with vaudevillian glee! To take it a step further, what about watching a fully-clothed ferret chasing down a fully-clothed squirrel? Don't discount the possibility. Before I met Sugar Bush Squirrel and her thousands of outfits, I was a swaggering know-it-all. Then I discovered that a rodent could have more clothing than me and boy did that cut me down to size.

So far this superstar with the expressive eyes and Bond girlish name has managed to build up an extensive modelling portfolio and take on the role of a modern day Betty Grable. Never have I seen a creature that is so amenable to costume changes. There's just no way to be restrained about the whole thing so I'm just going to come right out and say it. I love me some Sugar Bush Squirrel!

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 33

The geniuses at Moiselle have done it again. They've tapped into the deepest fantasies of middle-aged Hong Kong women and given them something to wear proudly.

If there ever was a market where adult Disney princess clothing would take off, Hong Kong would be it, and not just because of Hong Kong Disneyland. Even if the stuff has quite obviously been put together by well-meaning but clueless woodland creatures.

Snow White:


Sleeping Beauty:


Already, I have encountered several women have fallen under Moiselle's spell of unfortunate frou-frouness. The kiss of a prince in spandex tights is not enough to rescue these muttons dressed as Disney Princesses. They'll need a prince with a credit card and the good sense to say "get yourself some new clothes, woman".

I'm just glad that they haven't made a mockery of Mickey Mouse. But of course someone always has to prove me wrong.