Friday, July 21

Whatever happened to plain old asses' milk?

In hindsight, letting Junior gorge himself on all that expired chocolate and candy just before bathtime wasn't such a good idea. That's what I thought until I found out this is actually a hot curry bath and not raw sewage matter. Apparently a heady mix of curry spices such as red pepper and turmeric does wonders for your circulation and complexion.

But is it really wise to be subjecting your naked body to such intense flavours? These guys seem to have passed out from being unable to stoke the raging fire in their loins.

Not to mention the attendant social implications for someone who wafts pungently through the street after having soaked in a relaxing vindaloo.

What concerns me about the picture above is that we don't know whether the curry is going into the bath, or the curry came from the bath and is about to served for dinner with a side of fragrant jasmine rice. Come to think about it, are we sure that is even a bathtub and not a giant soup tureen?

As spicy food falls out favour and spa-goers demand greater variety, we can expect to see the following menu choices in the future:
1. chicken stock bath - good for the soul and breaking down congested fatty deposits
2. minestrone bath - super hydrating, infused with nutrients, vegetables and minerals
3. gazpacho bath - a cooling fresh body wash to relieve muscle ache and tension
4. clam chowder bath - pamper yourself with a rich and creamy body treatment, leaving you slick and slightly fishy
5. goulash bath - as you simmer away in luxurious paprika, you will feel the stress-related toxins being flushed from your body

But if you really want to take years off your face and body, leaving your skin as smooth as a baby, can I suggest a home made peanut butter remedy instead?

Next update: Monday 24 July

Wednesday, July 19

Price reduced for a quick sale

Tired of spending dead money on rent? Want to start building your property investment portfolio? Well look no further than this charming Manhattan triplex which has undergone extensive refurbishment. Situated in a desirable location within striking distance of London, Paris and LA by private jet. Great opportunity for first time homebuyers or investors! Especially if you're into monogrammed gold leaf floors and your name starts with M!

The light and airy living room provides a well-proportioned setting for formal entertaining for more informal events like boisterous cushion fights.

The layout of formal dining room allows you freedom to have one table for mock-dining and another for family memorabilia, another for decorative purposes and yet another for those diva moments.

Special features include a basement laundry room that has been converted into a play area for pets.

Thanks to intelligent design principles, sleek built-in and walk-in wardrobes achieve efficient utilization of space. Some wardrobes come fitted with their own custom-made designer gowns.

This cozy and quaint property also offers a small storage room for those miscellaneous items you've collected over the years.

Available for inspection but hurry, like the fickle spotlight of fame this bargain won't last long! Call now to avoid disappointment! I mean it! Seriously! Seller needs to go on tour really really soon!

Next update: Friday July 21

Monday, July 17

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 52

Question 1: Imagine if you have a really fun hobby and when people ask you what your hobbies are, you reply "guitars". Then when they ask you how long you've been learning and what you can play, you have to shake your head and say that no, no it's not like that all. You have to look them squarely in the eye and explain clearly and carefully that you only like guitars when they're very small and colourful and printed on clothing. And although you also have plenty of sweatshirts with other stringed instruments on them such as banjos, ukeleles and harps, you like them guitars the best. How do you stop yourself from suddenly feeling very alone because everyone else has suddenly backed away, very far away?

Answer: You have a child and foist your unique interests upon them so that you are no longer alone in this cold and uncomprehending world!

Question: What happens if you have aspirations of raising a professional prize fighter but nobody wants to let a little kid beat them up?

Answer: You have twins so they can spar with each other, inside and outside the boxing ring! Not to mention you've effectively doubled your chances at winning ($$) and scoring sweet endorsement deals ($$$$)!

Question: What would you do if your tween daughter suddenly has a new best friend and they both insist on going out dressed like this?

Answer: When she gets home, you need to pack up the family and move town because these things don't always bode well.

Next update: Wednesday July 19