Friday, September 9

Famous Fashion Fables

The Hare and the Tortoise
A Hare one day ridiculed the short feet and slow pace of the Tortoise, who replied, laughing: "Though you be swift as the wind, I will beat you in a race." The Hare, said: "Eh, let's go shoe shopping instead". To which the Tortoise agreed and they both had a fine time maxing out their credit cards on several pairs of gorgeous shoes which you really had to see to appreciate how fabulous they were.

MORAL: If you prefer going running instead of shoe shopping, I...I don't know what sort of person you are.

The Fox and the Earrings
A Fox saw some dazzling chandelier earrings hanging from a trellised vine. She resorted to all her tricks to get at them, but wearied herself in vain, for she could not reach them. At last she turned away, hiding her disappointment and saying: "The earrings are too big for my face and will probably weigh down my ears. Besides, everyone's wearing them and they're like so overdone."

MORAL: Stop bitching. You know you want them.

The Boy Who Cried Fake
A young boy would trick his fellow villagers by pretending that their designer handbags were actually fakes. Several times the villagers had take their bags back to the official stores for authentication, only to find the boy laughing at them. One day, somebody actually bought an inferior LV knockoff from Ebay. The boy cried out that it was fake when he saw it, but the villagers had grown tired of his pranks. Instead of ignoring him, they gathered around and took turns smacking him with their 100% authentic handbags.

MORAL: It really isn't polite to publicly call someone out on their fake merchandise. A smug knowing look will suffice. How does a young boy get so interested in designer handbags anyway?

The Ants and the Grasshopper
The ants were spending a fine winter's day drying grain collected in the summertime. A shivering Grasshopper, clad in a floppy hat, babydoll camisole, denim boy shorts and the most ridiculous-looking cowboy boots, passed by and earnestly begged for a warm jacket. The Ants inquired of her, "Why did you not stock up on winter clothing near the start of the season?"
She replied, "I really thought the bohemian look would last all year, so I spent my money at clearance sales stocking up on tiered prairie skirts and sequinned espadrilles. Nobody seems to be wearing them anymore but it'll be a while before I can buy anything new." They then said in derision: "If you were foolish enough to think that Sienna Miller was a fashion icon, you deserve to go without a coat this winter. But here, take this old puffy down jacket and get down to the thrift shop stat."

MORAL 1: Thank god I live in a place where there are distinct seasons.
MORAL 2: Sienna Miller? Please.

The Mouse and the Lion
Once when a Lion was asleep a little Mouse began running up and down upon him; this soon wakened the Lion, who placed his huge paw upon him, and opened his big jaws to swallow him. "Pardon, O King," cried the little Mouse: "forgive me this time, I shall never forget it: who knows but what I may be able to do you a turn some of these days?"

The Lion was so tickled at the idea of the Mouse being able to help him, that he lifted up his paw and let him go. Some time after the Lion was desperately trying to his paws on a pair of Dior Homme skinny raw denim jeans, but was told by the snooty shop assistant that there was a waitlist of several months. Just then the little Mouse happened to pass by, and seeing the sad plight in which the Lion was, went up to him. After making a few calls around town, the little Mouse, who was actually a well-known stylist, found the same pair of jeans in the Lion's size and arranged for it to be on permanent loan to the Lion. "Was I not right?" said the little Mouse.

MORAL: It's good to have friends in the fashion industry who never have to pay retail no matter how rodentlike they may be.

Thursday, September 8

Memoirs of a French Maid

Of all the female stereotypes, I guess the French maid would be my favourite, with the sexy nurse and the over-assertive policewoman fighting it out for second place. Who doesn't love a domesticated woman in starched frills who enjoys performing demeaning tasks like cleaning tile grout? I'm just glad that the Japanese, who probably account for over 90% of her fanbase, have seen the potential for her to do much more than household chores which involve bending over and showing a lot of leg/cleavage.

Much has been done to integrate French maids into the social fabric of Japan to the point where they can be found serving tea and performing secret services in the hospitality industry (although this one hotel has since shut down due to the substandard quality of maid costumes). Like I always say, if you don't get the costume right, it's all downhill from thereon.

At the recently opened Moesham, you can now find out whether a French maid's skillset extends to the art of barbering. According to reports:

There is no sexual contact between the "maids" and the customers who come for a trim, but the hint of it is certainly present.

A hint? They're practically whacking us on the head with the anvil of sexual connotation at every turn! I barely know where to look in order to hide my furious blushing. See for yourselves.

Asuka shows a young man a good time while her colleagues watch on with interest. Note the different coloured leggings - black denotes seniority and costs a good deal more than white, but she can feather your hair like nobody's business.

Here Maimi is giving her customer a vigorous head massage. Only her first day on the job and she's a real pro!

This lucky customer is getting serviced by 4 maids simultaneously. He's in for a pleasant surprise because Maimi on the far left has saved her powerful white electro-mechanical device for last.

Wednesday, September 7

Setting world records

Updated: The potentially libellous-free version! We don't want Lohan's reps shutting down this site do we!

When Kobayashi crammed that hundredth barbecued pork bun into his mouth, I knew there was something special about him. One hundred fluffy steamed pork buns and not a single streptococcus suis bacterium to be found! How does he dodge infected meat, set world records AND stay fit at the same time?

A visit to the International Federation of Competitive Eating didn't provide any answers but turned up Sonya Thomas, currently ranked number 2 in the world. I'd like to see people tell her to go and eat a sandwich. Look, she even smashed Cool Hand Luke's record to smithereens:
Eggs: 65 Hard Boiled Eggs / 6 minutes, 40 seconds

I have long suspected that it's the slim and petite ones who are the most proficient at Sunday lunch buffets. Similarly, in Hollywood there are many celebrities whose slender frames belie their inner strengths. Their amazing consumption records have to be seen to be believed.

Lindsay Lohan

Record: 100 grams powdered cocaine fat-free lettuce salad, no dressing/one night at Bungalow 8

Kimberly Stewart

Record: 30 wraps amphetamines mini dried seaweed sheets/while waiting for runway show to start

Mischa Barton

Record: 45 ecstasy tablets tic tacs/about the time it takes to walk down the red carpet

Mary-Kate Olsen

Record: 1.3 pounds crystal meth sunflower seeds/during one lecture session at NYU

Paris Hilton

Record: 130 speed balls salt free crackers/faster than you could ever imagine

Nicole Ritchie

Record (Unconfirmed): 250 grams crack cocaine soaked raw mung beans/5 minutes 20 seconds
(Pending investigation into whether Lindsay Lohan was also in the same bathroom stall at the time)

Tuesday, September 6

Art for art's sake

While I don't often hang around art galleries mulling over the surreal juxtaposition of opposing colours and piecing together the elements to come up with a well-informed critique, I do have some opinions when it comes to art. Like when you paint a portrait of Kate Moss, you should at least consult a swatch book and get the hair colour right. As for the part about only sleeping with Jesus, if I remember my celebrity gossip correctly, I think she also dated a whole bunch of apostles and had a baby with one of them. And likening Pete Doherty to Jesus.....I think only Whitney Houston has been in and out of rehab more times than the son of God has.

But art is like that. It makes artists think of crazy things in the name of their passion. Take the great French impressionist Renoir for example - crippled by arthritis in his later years, he had to paint with his paintbrush strapped to his wrist. If only Renoir had found about butt printing techniques. It would have been less painful for him and today's generation of museumgoers would be wowed by Renoir's "Flowers from my ass".

I'm sure there are many of you out there with artistic behinds. Just slip and slide around the canvas and see what price your efforts fetch. Ladies will be pleased to know that they have been gifted with an extra artistic tool. Push the envelope with your, uh, envelope. If you're worried that your equipment isn't up to standard, there are places for this sort of thing.

Monday, September 5

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 37

As it turns colder, let's take a moment to reminisce about those summer skirts.

Summer sun, something`s begun
But, uh oh, those summer skirts

Well-a, well-a, well-a, uh!
Tell me more, tell me more
Did it give you a fright?
Tell me more, tell me more
Like was her top really tight?

Can you imagine if she set the dress code for your school?
Young ladies must wear skirts no longer than the overall height of their Burberry handbags. Hair must also be bigger than skirt.

This picture was taken around the city's own Times Square. As you can see, unlike its New York counterpart, the area has yet to be cleaned up. I'd start with the heels.