You Like, You Buy Vol 11

Ever since I was a child, I've always wanted to do fabulous roundhouse kicks and jump onto rooftops robes-a-flapping like they do in the movies, so that I can swagger around in a "Whoa. I know kung fu." sort of way. Since the only black belt I own was picked up at the last Bally sale, I'll just have to make do with the Kung Fu Kids collection from DIL (Designext International Limited). The kids tend to look more like tubby marshmallow men but one cannot deny the dexterity of their kung fu poses which I have named below.

Clock and card holder

Emasculating eunuch palm

Bookends

Abominable acupuncture ambush & 10,000 terrible terror

Mirror pad holder

Sound of the barbaric panda rebuke

Clip holder

Drunken goldfish nerve-pinch

Tape dispenser

Buddha's dreaded chopstick breath

Vision of Love

It's more than just a cry for help, Mariah Carey is desperate to get married and she wants the whole world know it.

Now I don't want to make a habit of pimping this blog out as a repository for personal ads that reek of desperation, unattractiveness and psychosis but I will make an exception for Mariah Carey. I can think of no better way to repay someone who taught me how to wear a bandanna as a top.

VISION OF LOVE
Glittery 30something y.o. Diva, seeks dream lover who will help her make it through the rain and the occasional public nervous breakdown. Breasts or ass man, it really doesn't matter because I always dress to please both factions. Powerful music executives will be considered as long as their first name isn't Tommy and their surname isn't Mottola. However girly white rappers need not apply.

Our perfect day would begin by frolicking with the pink dolphins in the ocean while butterflies flit around us, followed by an afternoon watching movies about a bubbly singer falling from grace played by a bubbly singer falling from grace. We would then end this one sweet day by retiring to the bedroom and experiencing emotions that cause my voice to reach the seventh octave several times.

My ideal partner, or little lamb as I shall often refer to him as, should always be prepared to talk trash about other singers, sort of like Elton John without the hairpiece and the longtime boyfriend. Makeup and hairdressing skills will be viewed favourably. Finally, and most important of all, it is essential that he shares my deep and abiding love for my favourite animal, the unicorn.

Please send all expressions of interest to the attention of Honey B. Fly c/o Island of Capri.

Asia's stress city

Well done, people of Hong Kong, you are officially the stress puppies of Asia according to a survey done by a company that was paid a lot of money to do so. Just walk into any Hong Kong office and you will be assailed by the overpowering tension in the air....and it's not even sexual! This is to be expected because there isn't really any form of proper stress relief in Hong Kong other than shopping, and that method, strange as it may seem, doesn't work for everyone. I remember watching some documentary which claimed that when men were given shopping tasks, their stress levels rose to those experienced by jet fighter pilots. Hah! And to think that they call us the weaker sex.

It doesn't have to be this way, you know. Even the little-known town of Hefei in China has its own cry bar for when you've lost your job, your woman, your bicycle and NiuNiu your pet ox. If only employers could be persuaded to loosen their deathgrip on the purse strings to invest in some of these wonderfully calming activities.

Mindball
The object of the game is to use your Jedi powers to move the ball across the table into your opponent's area. The more relaxed you are, the more likely you are to score a goal. It's not recommended for hyper-competitive people because all the conflicting signals would probably cause their brains to implode. I can't wait for when they invent Mind-dodgeball where you can channel your calm into hurling a large ball at your boss's head, thus achieving nirvana when you hear that highly satisfying smack.

Conference bike
Next time, instead of holding a conference around a boring table, consider taking it outside on the Conference Bike. Marketed as the most fun on wheels since synchronised office chair swivelling, the Conference Bike is very realistic because it creates the illusion of teamwork when actually only one person (the steerer) is doing all the work. At the same time, whoever controls the steering wheel also holds the most negotiating power. See how everyone caves in to your demands when you threaten to send them plunging off a deep ravine at a top speed of 15km/hr.

Metal Goddess
Belly dancing is especially good for relieving the stress on your lower back from bending over and having your ass kicked around on a daily basis. Heavy metal music is also good for stress relief because all that head banging causes the blood to rush to your head and make you feel blissfully giddy. I am vaguely aware that there are several sub-genres of heavy metal music but come on, how many variations of long unruly hair and primal AAAAAARGGGG!! screams can there possibly be.

By combining heavy metal and belly dancing together, you can shake and bang your worries away. Even just watching the Metal Goddesses perform is already a soothing and uplifting experience. It's like having a personal harem which bites bats' heads off for you instead of peeling grapes.

Flashy style

Geez, I go away for a week and all of a sudden areolae are back in fashion. Thanks to the likes of Tara Reid (not safe for work) whose resume lists "getting drunk and falling down a lot" as her main talent and Serena Williams (not safe for work), women of the tarty persuasion are abandoning pasties in order to make a point or two.

All this tendency to pop out the zoom lens seems a bit of a shame when there are people working tirelessly day and night to create and promote unique bras. Take Triumph International Japan, for example, and their new Eco Globe bra. Made of recyclable materials, the cups are like 2 halves of painted coconut shells which come together to form a nifty world globe. It's an eye-catching design that was probably cooked up by some guy who thought it would be wicked cool to be able to grab his girl's globes while singing "he's got the whole world in his hands".

The Eco Globe bra is just the latest release in a line of highly decorative Triumph bras previously featuring champion racehorses, Edo castles and mutant tigers who look slightly bewildered because they were expecting to end up as wall mountings in a sportsbar. There is also the Anti-Smoking bra which would have been borderline tasteful were it not for the model sporting one of the most visually disturbing armpits I have ever seen.

Yet I can tell that many readers remain unconvinced that cuppage is best because you believe that some of God's creatures are just meant to roam free. Well look no further than the quarter cup and cupless bras at Agent Provocateur (see Lizzy and Marylin collections) and the peek-a-boo bras in Myla's Lacquer Room. Now you can have your bra and say a big hello too.

Calendars for the discerning

Whee, what a whirlwind trip that was! I'm already sinking into post-vacation melancholia and can't wait to start planning my 2005 holidays. For that I'll need a stylish calendar, preferably one that is divided into new collection, pre-sale and sale seasons.

Calendars are also great Xmas gifts for friends and relatives but make sure to go the extra step and highlight your birthday on the gift beforehand, and mark in monthly reminders to save for your birthday present while you're at it. If you're looking for a personal calendar that's beyond the usual cute critters photoshopped into pristine fluffiness or Celine Dion tenderly preparing a baby salad for her daily dose of Vitamin C and folic acid, then consider getting one of these to get you through 2005:

Celebrity Mugshots
They're rich, they're famous and they've hit rock bottom! Appropriately chosen for the cover is a mugshot of Robert Downey Jr who is the posterboy for drug possession - his mugshots alone could make a 365-day box calendar. Other favourites include Nick Nolte which was taken while he was guarding the autum corn harvest and Yasmine Bleeth whose looks were unable to survive the ravages of working with David Hasselhoff and Don Johnson. Unfortunately Macaulay Culkin's recent mugshot isn't included in this rogues' gallery because it's quite an intriguing smirk he has going on there, one that seems to say "at least I wasn't nabbed for trying to liberate the lobsters".

Cisa
CISA the Italian coffin company initially found it difficult to generate sales because the combination of a healthy Mediterranean diet and active agrarian lifestyle in its hometown meant that hardly anybody died. But once they started using busty leggy models to advertise their fashion line coffins, buying Italian sarcophagi became as sexy as buying Italian sportscars.

Things really took off when Cisa released their much coveted calendars which, now in their third year, are like the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendars of the underworld. Are these calendars supposed to cater for randy morticians or horny hearse drivers? Who knows, who even cares - somewhere in there is a joke with the words stiff and wood in it, which I shall leave you to make amongst yourselves.