Saturday, September 18

You Like, You Buy Vol 5

Kwong Sang Hong Limited ( has quite a long history of making beauty products of the kind found in old-style Chinese apothecaries. Its Two Girls brand features two similar looking Chinese maidens in traditional clothing who were basically the Olsen twins of their time. But how is it that even though as drawings, they still manage to look more animated than Mary-Kate and Ashley?

I don't care much for all the skin whitening products on offer but there are some fascinating stuff in their product list like a wide array of toilet water which I *think* is perfume. There's also tooth powder, venereal disease antidotal pill and tinea lotion. Well, that pretty much meets all my hygiene needs! For those with cankles and thankles, may I suggest their leg-slimming tea which also claims to remove halitosis. That's just pure genius.

Now I'm not suggesting you actually try any of these products because I have no idea what's actually in them and whether they live up to their claims. More importantly I wouldn't want you to come crying to me if your skin inexplicably dissolves, your hair starts to fall out in clumps or your intestines go black. However you have to give them some points for trying to give beauty tips which kind of make sense after you read them a couple of times.

People who are obssessed with pretty stationery will squeal like stuck pigs when they see paper products section. After I downloaded some wallpaper, read an interesting anecdote about how man is woman and woman is man sometimes (which surprisingly had nothing to do with the movie The Hot Chick) and stuffed around with the questionnaire, I realised that I had spent way too much time on this site when I could have been doing more constructive things. Like....browsing other sites.

Friday, September 17

NY Fashion Week - Part 2

New York Fashion Week finally closed on Wednesday and all the fashion publications have had their chance to gush over the new collections. What I've done is set out all you need to know about New York designer trends so you don't have to sift through all the meaningless phrases like "deft, modern touches", "body-conscious silhouettes" and "returning to classic roots".

At last it will be socially acceptable to dress up like your favourite Mortal Kombat character outside of comic conventions. In this case that would be Lord Raiden, Elder god of thunder and lightning, Protector of the Earthrealm and generally one of the most stylish video game characters ever to shoot lightning bolts from his eyes.

Skirts will be loosefitting and made of light fabric so that grown women can easily sit on top of bar counters with their legs spread. A note of caution - the wider the legs are spread, the easier it is for someone to reach between them and steal your handbag. Among other things.

Food is making a comeback. Pasta is best worn when it's al dente, with a drizzle of olive oil and perhaps a light sprinkling of freshly grated Parmigiano. If you are on a low-carb diet, then you might want to consider creating a similar look with shredded carrot or vitamin-rich kelp.

Bows will be the ultimate accessory. Not only are they ladylike, but they remind men that women are tantalising packages covered in very expensive wrapping paper. The bow must be placed directly over the crotch area to highlight just how much of a gift to mankind that women are. The bigger the bow the bigger I won't go there.

Although designers Sass & Bide are incredibly popular in Australia not many people know that there is actually a silent S in their name so it's pronounced "Ass & Bide". But hey, they set the trends so do not question, just follow. This spring & summer, no self-respecting fashion victim will be seen without their plumage. Not just a couple of stray feathers. Lots of it. In fact, you'll need to find an entire bird and use its beak to clamp it to the back of your head. It's already spring in Australia so expect to see their streets soon filled with Pict warrior maidens. Roar.

It's amazing how one jacket can instantly dress up an outfit. You can wear it into work on casual Fridays. If it's one of those lazy afternoons where you're not busy at all and the weather is beautiful outside, just take off the jacket and you're ready for a quick romp at the beach. Given the amount of time people spend sitting behind their desks in front of a computer these days, nobody will even notice you're not wearing pants or a skirt.

A few months ago, if I had told guys that they would be at the height of fashion if they dressed like a bellhop at a Mediterranean resort, they would have laughed at me. Now, they would just nod and smile knowingly.

Florals. Mosaics. A dainty scarf. Learn to love these words. The trick is to get the mosaic patterned shorts creating the illusion of a skirt. If you're worried that wearing this may cause your masculinity to be called into question, then you should probably know that you've already lost it by just looking at the above picture.

Thursday, September 16

NY Fashion Week - Part 1

I've always imagined fashion show parties to be glamourous affairs where elegant people swan around, feeding off each other's gorgeousness. That is, until I looked at photos of NY Fashion Week and realised that there is no such marvellous symbiosis but many instances of unstylishness that merge into a synergy of suck. If this is what it takes to become one of the beautiful people, then please wrap me in a non-designer gown and call me ugly.

This is Helen Gurley Brown. They say that during the 1960s she was the original Cosmo girl who created the independent, single woman revolution. They also say that as you grow older, your fashion sense is one of the first senses to go. Shall we shag now or shag later? Definitely later.

This is Gloria Vanderbilt who comes from a family of society scions. She's looking remarkably sprightly for an 80 year old. Her hearing is not so good though because the organisers called her up and said "come visit us at the Fashion Week tents" but she misheard it as "come dressed as a fashionably green tent".

Um..interesting pants. Yes...very feminine. A bit too feminine perhaps.

All it takes is one glass of red wine and her dress is half off. These woozy fashion types sure can't hold their alcohol very well.

Don't look at me like that. It's not my fault that you wanted to make a spectacular entrance by parachute but lost your bearings. All things considered, you look pretty good for someone who had to claw their way out of a bramble patch with bits of leftover parachute sticking to them.

What is this? A casting call for Dawn of the Dead 2? If you're looking for lots of flesh to chomp on, then I fear you've come to the wrong place. Where is that Milla girl when you need her to blast away errant zombies?

Don't look so glum, just sack your stylist. What's that, oh I see, you ARE the stylist.

Goodness, get this poor woman a paramedic at once! She's been slimed!

I just want to set the record straight that he is a well-respected photographer so do not ask him whether he should be out the back looking after the catering.

Oh my. There is no God. How was it stitched together? Bits of models? Bits of socialites? Actually the makeup is quite good because I can barely make out the neck bolts and stitching.

Wednesday, September 15

Excess Baggage

Going overseas for a holiday is always fun except for the part about flying there and back. Plane travel tends to leave passengers with a sore ass from sitting too long and feeling a bit soiled, tired and disgruntled. Isn't it just like after a drunken fumble in a garbage-strewn alley behind a nightclub? Well I've found some items that will make your travel experience *that* (imagine thumb and forefinger spread, say about, 10 cm apart) much more enjoyable.

Fear of airplane toilets have left me with amazing powers of bladder control. The worst thing is having to wait for an elderly passenger to finish their business. It worries me when they spend such a long time in there. What if they've fallen and they can't get up? What if they've forgotten where they are and think that they are back in their seat? Then after half an hour you hear the toilet flushing and the tap running. But still, they don't come out. What sort of complex ritual ablutions could they possibly be performing in there? By the end of the flight, the toilet is so ghastly that not even Britney Spears would walk barefoot into it. Actually, she probably would if she knew how to get the door open.

With the No Cooties Travel Spray, your surroundings become a little less germy and festery. I cannot wait to go on a spraying frenzy through the entire cabin. Anyone who looks even slightly unwashed is going to get sprayed. Right in the eyes.

Another thing that disturbs me is airline meals, in particular what they choose to call breakfast. Is it egg or a reconstituted kitchen sponge? Is it chopped sausage or the private parts of a dead donkey? The Mobile Foodie Survival Kit contains 17 herbs and spices which you can add to your microwaved mush. Substitute the dill for some "herbal refreshment" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and you'll be flying high in more ways than one..guffaw, haw, haw, haw!

There are no points given for joining the Mile High Club but don't let that stop you, especially since Oro Design has created the Mile High Kit. I've figured out what purpose most of the items in the kit serve but can someone explain what the pocket mirror is for? It seems to take up space that could have been used for extra condoms. Three isn't enough - think of the people who have several connecting flights and doing round the world flights! Don't forget to pick up some travel candles, and download some Barry White music on your iPOD. Just want to make sure you do things properly, that's all.

The Point It Picture Dictionary makes it easier to communicate with locals because not everyone is amenable to having a foreigner butcher their dialect. In particular, there are several pictures of food inside so you don't have to eat at those restaurants with dreaded tourist menus. Unless of course you are in a Hong Kong tour group in which case you are doomed to an entire trip of eating at sub-par Chinese restaurants. Suckers. The dictionary contains over 1200 items so with this handy guide I'm sure that even the most linguistically challenged stranded in the most off the beaten track part of the world will be able to find (in no particular order) some alcohol, a warm bed and a clean prostitute/gigolo.

Tuesday, September 14

Disadvantage Serena

The last time Serena Williams won a Grand Slam tournament title was when those wretched peasant blouses were in fashion. That's quite a while ago. Maybe her game would improve if she spent less time on her tennis outfits, whether it's a skirt made of giant post-it notes or recreating the look of rump-shaking extra in a gangsta rap video.

How could Serena concentrate on winning the US Open when all she could think about was sitting at the front row of every collection shown at New York Fashion Week and having her picture taken with Vogue editor in chief Anna Wintour (even if somebody did have to force Anna's arms into a mangled twisted mess to make her do it).

Despite her fashion aspirations, the people at People recently put Serena on their worst-dressed list. Could it be because of her insistence on wearing dresses that are even shorter than tennis skirts? Or her attempt to dress up like a naughty schoolgirl which made everyone else on the red carpet automatically hand over their lunch money in fear? Or the kitten which she strangled with her bare hands and ordered the good folk at Gucci to hastily fashion into a purse?

Her sister Venus tends to be dress better, but one time she went out wearing nothing else but a brightly coloured apron. Venus is also studying fashion design and she recently designed a cap for McDonald's employees. For all the press coverage it got, nobody bothered to ask the most important question - how the hell is anyone expected to flip burgers and sizzle fries properly while wearing an oversized cap that covers one eye?

The Williams sisters' fashion ambitions must be part of their planning beyond their tennis careers. Well I have a suggestion. Together with Beyonce, they share a misplaced love for shiny tight satin and it's about time that Destiny's Child regrouped and made another change to their lineup. Serena has also expressed interest in appearing in a Hollywood movie if the right role came along. Clearly that role would be as the racket-wielding, bone-crushing niece of Auntie Entity in Mad Max 4: Offensive Volley.