Saturday, April 1

What happens when creative juices dry up


Ben Hur 2: The Hasty and the Wrathful
Director Jan de Bont follows in the hallowed footsteps of Cecil B. Demille with this long awaited sequel. Ben Hur (Vin Diesel) returns to the hippodrome to defend his title at the prestigious World Chariot Racing Championships. However this time he faces a ruthless challenger known as Gaius to the Maximus (Kevin Spacey) who will stop at nothing to win. Featuring Bow Wow as rival chariot team leader and Carmen Electra as love interest.

Bad Hair Dayz
Kevin Federline turns in a strong debut performance as Samson the most popular senior at Philistine High. When he dumps his girlfriend (Tara Reid) just before their final prom, her emo sister Delilah (Ashlee Simpson) vows to pay revenge by sleeping with him many times and then maybe cutting off his prized cornrow mullet. But first she has to compete for his attention with the nasty but gorgeous clique known as the The Heifers (Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton).

Snakes on a Felucca
High-octane thriller directed by Michael Bay. Charismatic everyman Moses (Nic Cage) misses the bus at rush hour and hitches a ride home on a passing sailboat. However a crazy foreign-sounding bastard (John Malkovich) is also using the boat to smuggle a deadly cargo of snakes with bombs strapped to them. Chaos breaks out on board when one of the reptiles breaks loose and sets about freeing the others. It's up to Moses to save the rivers of the Nile from exploding serpents so that he can get home to his hot wife (Adriana Lima) and kids.

A Den to Remember
In this bittersweet coming of age story, Daniel (played by that kid from Two and a Half Men) is an awkward pre-teen who is sent by his warring parents to spend a summer in Babylon. Rejected by his peers, he strikes up an unlikely friendship with a spunky, free-spirited and quirky lion (Kate Hudson) who teaches him about making the most of life. However the Lion is hiding a tragic secret which threatens to end their relationship.

The Seasoning Murders
A clever suspense thriller that will have viewers on the edge of their seats. After a botched case which kills her partner (Freddie Prinze Jr), Special Agent Miriam (Ashley Judd) is assigned to desk duty in a small town in midwest Canaan. She is soon forced back into the detective game when the deputy mayor Lot (Ben Affleck) finds his wife petrified into a pillar of salt. Her investigations lead her uncover a startling conspiracy linked to the fledgling commodity markets.

Sodom and Gomorrah
Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson team up with the Farrelly Brothers for a wacky new comedy about love and friendship. Best friends since grade school, Sodom (Stiller) and Gomorrah (Wilson) made a pact never to get married. Fast forward to twenty years later when Gomorrah is about to wed the woman of his dreams (Jessica Alba). Hoping to change his buddy's mind and protect the sanctity of bachelorhood, Sodom takes Gomorrah on the most debauched stag weekend ever to show him what he's missing out on.

Thursday, March 30

If the shoe fits wear it on your head

Oooohhh I've had it up to *here* with all my friggin' hats. They are way more trouble than they're worth. I've got half a mind to stack them on top of another jenga-style and revel in delight when they collapse.

One of my biggest problems has been finding the right fit. Either they're too big to start off with, leaving you floundering about like a kitten with a soup bowl on its head, but once you pop them in the wash they come out barely able to cover your crown.

And by the end of the day, it usually ends up sliding right down onto your face and making a huge mess. Why abide with that sort of nuisance when I already have cheap mascara and foundation to do that for me.

Knowing too well these problems that have plagued hat-wearers, designers have come up with some convenient alternatives.

Left to right: An expensive-looking too-good-to-be-worn shoe that also gives the impression that you like being stepped on; Gargantuan mutant rose, nourished on the flesh of hobos who wander onto the garden in search of a place to nap

Left to right: Paper bag in a neutral shade for those "ugly" days; Tribute to the most diligent member of the Addams Family, also converts into a handy backscratcher

Left to right: Teddy bear or other cute plush toy, ripped from the hands of a screaming toddler; A weighty tome to give the appearance of high intellect when it is actually a Dan Brown made-for-movie novel in hard cover.

Left to right: Aluminium foil in sufficient quantity to deflect mind control rays; Quill pen set, historically worn by Victorian-age geeks before pocket protectors were invented.

Wednesday, March 29

Louis Vuitton One-Click Shopping

The impending launch of Louis Vuitton's online shopping service in Asia fills me with great trepidation. I can only hope the user interface is as sophisticated as Amazon's, thus allowing us a glimpse into the delicate psyche of the Louis Vuitton customer.

Monogram Perforation Pochette Accessoires

Customers who bought this also bought:
Band-Aid Adhesive Bandages, Assorted, Sheer 80 bandages
Swingline / Adjustable 2-3 Hole Punch, 9/32", Black / SWI74020
JT Perforated Leather Thong

Multistrap sandal

Customers who really liked this also really liked:
Wearing interchangeable watch straps, all at the same time
Chafing their feet to death
The idea of being buckled securely into a Deluxe Strait Jacket

Double face cashmere three coloured belted poncho

Customers who thought it was ok to wear this and walk on the streets also thought:
How careless of me, I seem to have left my bag and my arms back at the bar
I wished my apartment complex would let me keep little dogs
Clint Eastwood would have turned in a far superior performance if he had filmed all his spaghetti westerns without wearing any pants

ID Necklace, Yellow Gold and Diamonds

Customers who demanded their boyfriends buy them this also demanded:
Whatever else they pointed out in the store window
A weekly allowance to help them discover their inner fabulosity
To be called Princess otherwise they would stomp their feet and go off to pout in the corner

Leather patchwork bag

Customers who needed this in order to impress their social acquaintances also needed:
To start extending their social circle beyond kids in third grade art class
Prescription eyewear
To be taken out the back and have some taste slapped into them with a fake 9-iron

Another blog to visit: Denimology - for those addicted to premium & vintage denim jeans

Tuesday, March 28

The art of seduction

Why don't you lean in a little closer to the computer screen and we can have a cosy tête-à-tête about the art of seduction? I think we could all use a little self-improvement in this area, unless of course you feel completely secure in the company of your 1000 stinky mewling cats or you are gay in which case there are four failproof methods as shown by a recent open-air seminar in Hong Kong.

Now that I have your full attention, I offer up some cogent solutions for people seeking to attract the opposite sex.

Women are such exquisite creatures that you cannot purport to achieve mastery over all their different types in one lifetime. Therefore you must focus your energies in one sector - eg a particular hair colour, a particular occupation, a particular way of tucking you in bed just like how Mum does! Some men would have you believe that the only women worth seducing are topless dancers. They are totally correct. So much so that there is an entire book devoted to this niche called "Topless Secret - An Insider's Guide to Scoring with Dancers." (

Why this book hasn't trounced Dr Phil's fluff on the New York Times list is beyond me. At $19.97, it has a lot going for it:
- the author's image on the website is photoshopped very convincingly
- the author has 15 years of experience living and breathing titty bars
- strategy, strategy, strategy

Once you've learnt the secrets to wooing topless dancers, you can look forward to a whole lot of Dude! Duuuuude! Phwoar!!! *secret manly handshake* *high-five* *back-slap*

Here's a little tip. If your man says that he likes you just the way you are, he is too stingy to pay for your surgical enhancements. He would rather spend the money frequently topless clubs. However Plastic Assets is more than happy to provide financial independence in this respect.

I'm sure the cost of the implants is built into some exorbitant hidden interest rate and fee structure but don't let the fine print dissuade you. There are discounts for any future work you want done (and let's face it, that butt of yours hasn't been looking too crash hot lately).

Always remember that breasts and cleavage are the lynchpins in any effective seductive strategy. Downplaying them would be like marching into war without heavy artillery and tinned food. What are you going to let the object of your affections grab onto when he's drunkenly pawing in your direction? Your personality?

Another blog to visit: The Philosophical Marshmallow - 100% woman. Mixed it up in Seoul, London and Hong Kong before landing to rest in New York. Partying will resume at age 30.

Monday, March 27

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 48

aka The Five People You Meet On Public Transport

The woman for whom everyday is a little bit like St Patrick's Day

The man who keeps a strict rein on his wife's spending habits but pays for it dearly when she meticulously picks out the least appealing castoffs at factory outlets for him to wear.

The cleanest man in his village, and therefore the one voted to take charge of poultry sanitation.

The person who likes to remind everyone else that they are well on the way to being nouveau riche and are only taking public transport because their economy sedan is being customised with a gold emblem and exhaust trim.

The lady who takes five minutes out of the day, no matter where she is, to do stretching exercises.