Wednesday, April 13

Spring break II: Manila

I've barely got the stench of cattle class out of my clothing, when it's time to leave again. This week I'll be in Manila where the weather is perfect for reclining by the pool in Liz Hurley's Bitch Collection and getting waaaay drunk before noon. I hope I make a good impression on people.

Although I haven't been to the Philippines before, I am well versed in its ways. In fact, all I know about the country I learnt from the Miss Earth website. Save the world while looking good in skimpy clothing! These are the basic tenets on which Wonder Woman, and come to think of it every superheroine has been founded on.

If there are any fair maidens out there who want to balance out their CVs with some extracurricular activities, please feel free to enter. I would have given it a go but this requirement gets me every time:
Possesses beauty of face and proportionate body structure.

So until next week, goodbye and enjoy my hitherto private gallery of Filipina Barbies. There's heavy beading, embroidery, sequins, appliques...everything a doll could ever ask for plus the occasional swathe of tartan. Try not to think about it too much.

Tuesday, April 12

Women Drivers

Women drivers! Can't drive with them, can't drive into them. A survey of stereotypical male drivers revealed the following reasons for the inability of females to drive from point A to point B without being cussed out.

1. They don't know how use proper signals. In fact, they don't signal at all! They do it outside of the car too. Saying one thing and meaning the other. Who the hell understands that you want to turn right WHEN YOU DON'T TELL ME SO?!?!? Am I supposed to figure it out from your sullen pouting and crossed arms?!?

2. They cannot park. But who can blame them? It is not their role to learn how to fit something long in a slot.

3. They are always checking themselves out in the rearview mirror. Fiddling with their makeup, their hair, their clothing....does this Buick make my ass look big? Are they trying to look good for other drivers? Well I can't tell and I DON'T CARE because I'm too busy checking out the billboards of lingerie models.

4. They cannot read a map nor can they remember the way to anywhere. As a result they will always get lost. Not like me, I have memorised all the possible paths, the secret treasure and weapon rooms and I can blast my way through millions of undead to arrive in record time.

5. They are clingy. They cling to the wheel. They tailgate. Clingy, clingy, clingy. No room to breathe, wherever I go she's there. Too clingy.

6. They refuse to do certain things on the road. Not adventurous at all. They should not be afraid to get down and in the movies.

7. Mood swings. Oh god, the mood swings. One minute they're all honk if you're available, then when you try to change into their lane, they give you a stare that makes my radiator freeze over. AND THEN they're trying to cut into your lane to show who's in control.

8. They stall at lights. It's because they want to think, want to talk things over. Want to even hug the damn traffic light. Enough with the emotions, lady. Just try to figure out which one is the accelerator and STEP ON IT!

Despite the reasons given above, I take great pride in being a woman driver. I appreciate the fine art of putting on mascara while driving over somebody's foot. Every woman should rejoice in this blessing of womanhood by personalising her own car. But don't run off to buy cutesy Hello Kitty car accessories or a radical paintjob just yet.

I was thinking of something a little more personal. This way, all the men drivers will know exactly who the women drivers are and give us a wide berth. M'ladies, your FotzeWagen Beetle (kind of Not Safe For Work) awaits.

English translation is available. It was the most popular story in Russia on that day after "Circus bear breaks loose during the show".

Monday, April 11

Sly Moves

Looking to get fantastically fit this summer? Sly Moves, a new fitness program by Sylvester Stallone is now available for pre-order. You will learn the secrets to a better body through "Rambo pulldowns", "Rocky chins", possibly even "Tango and Cash curls" and "Stop! Or My Mom will Shoot presses".

His strict diet and exercise regime has enabled Sly to maintain peak physical condition. Arguably, he would now still be able to perform the gruelling physical shoots that made up so much of his early film career. Which makes sense given that customers who have pre-ordered Sly Moves also bought The System: How to Get Laid! by Roy Valentine.

Plans are underway for a separate beauty book which teaches you makeup skills such as how to use the same shade of blush and lipgloss as your wife.

Personally I was surprised that Sly needed to put in so much work into looking good at 58. All this time, I thought it was entirely due to good genes.