Friday, January 20

Setting a dangerous precedent

Because some idiot decided to pose nude at a car show, womankind has hit its lowest ebb. What the hell was she thinking? How could she cheapen the global sisterhood like that? More importantly, how dare she take the attention away from Eva Longoria! I am thoroughly disappointed that she thought this kind of stunt would work at a car show of all places.

I mean, who would want to go to an auto show and waste their time looking at scantily clad women polishing the display vehicles with their bodies?

It's the sort of place you wouldn't feel embarrassed bringing your little sister along to, and asking her to invite her even younger and more nubile friend (the one with the very toned midriff) as well.

In fact some manufacturers are starting to pay more attention to their female clientele by including extras that are fluffy and cute.

The more sophisticated buyers will appreciate designs that are sleek and so low-slung they are only about as high as a fantasy-costumed girl on her knees performing a salute to male supremacy.

I'm not kidding ladies. If I happen to chance upon you the next time the latest flashy wheels are in town, you better be wearing underwear and keeping your legs mostly covered. That's the way it should be.

Thursday, January 19

I hope pandas aren't the litigious kind

In lieu of the Colin Farrell sex tape, I give you a screen capture from one of the rarest sex videos ever to be released on the internet. I'm sure many of you are familiar with that age-old scenario - it all began one lazy hazy evening made hazier by a few drinks, when two people who were mildly attracted to another decided to fool around with a digicam to relieve the boredom of having no good Korean tv dramas to watch. One thing led to another and soon that mock wrestling bout turned into vigorous use of 7 out of the top 10 most used kama sutra positions.

In Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui's case, a journalist with keen observational skills was on hand to breathlessly transcribe their first passionate clinch.

From Tuesday morning, the pair began to take turns sniffing each other, an act believed by expects as clear signs of the impending mating. Lin Hui, the female, kept walking by Chuang Chuang and turned her rear toward him, but only was pushed away by the male with his paws.

As zoo officials were frustrated by the lack of developments in their contact for hours, Chuang Chuang seemed to understand what he was supposed to do. He discarded his resistance, sat and leaned backward while spreading his legs. Lin Hui then moved backward and sat on top of him.

There was some movement and after a while Lin Hui let out a humming noise, but Chuang Chuang showed little reaction. A few minutes later, the two parted, wounding up their first romantic encounter

Good golly gosh, somebody's been working on their awesomely bad fan-fiction writing skills. As Lin Hui did not amble down down to the pharmacy for the morning after pill while her mate chewed on a post-coital stick of bamboo, zoo authorities are hoping that a baby will soon be on the way. But I'm concerned about whether ChuangLin are doing this for the right reasons. Pressure from the Central Committee? A last-ditch effort to save their marriage? Or just unduly influenced by mad rush in Hollywood to become inseminated? *sigh* At this point I don't know how much more procreating I can handle.

Wednesday, January 18

Wet mop on aisle 2 please

Maybe just maybe when you are next at the supermarket, you should pay a little more attention to what you're wearing. You never know who's watching. Just because the person packing your groceries is wearing a drab apron and a plastic nametag that says "Maverick" doesn't mean that they don't appreciate the elegant lines of a finely tailored jacket or the swish-rustle-swish-rustle of a taffeta skirt.

Dressing to buy groceries is all about dressing to impress. You should strive to clothe yourself as if you are more important than the person next to you in the checkout line. Before you know it better cuts of meat, trolleys with well-oiled wheels and undented soup cans will find their way to you.

The vegetables section is where the most singles hang out in the hope of finding someone to share their frozen tv dinner with. You can send subtle signals about your ideal partner requirements by what you're holding - in this case the model is I am looking for a guy who is bent around the middle and leafy around the edges. This look also allows you to blend in with the display and then spring out at the man of your dreams. True love begins with the same thumpety-thumpety thump of the heart that is induced by a jolt of fright.

A woman who dresses like this is somebody who knows plenty about fish and the travails of being Mary-Kate Olsen. Out alone on a small boat waiting for the swordfish to stir, the acrid mix of salty sea air and Starbucks coffee searing one's nostrils, her mind often turns to Mary-Kate and how she is weathering her own solitude in the vast sea of celebrity.

Take a number to be served? Do I look like the sort? Look at the flaps of skin hanging off my arms. These arms need meat right away!

It is important to look glamourous in the junk food aisle lest others prejudge you as a slovenly and unfit couch potato who probably owns the Taradise boxed set. By dressing and posing in such a way to accentuate your slim but pleasing curves, it will send detractors scurrying back to the organic healthfoods section.

Often the best-tasting fruits are the ones whose succulent delights lay beneath the least appealing exteriors. Feel free to use that as your fashion mantra.

Another site to visit: Men's Flair - no-nonsense style guide for men

Tuesday, January 17

Decoding the body language of couples

Did you know that by looking at a single random picture of any couple it is possible to discern how happy they are? See what our body-language experts have to say about the state of celebrity couplehood at last night's Golden Globes!

Reese's position at the front means that she takes the lead in the relationship. Ryan is quite content for this to happen but his fingers indicate that she is the type to snip a man's testicles off without a moment's hesitation. He is also revealing a humourous side to his usually serious nature, one that may prove useful in tv sitcoms which is where most actors end up when their movie careers falter.

Johnny and Vanessa's body stances are very much in sync with each other, enabling them to present a very strong united front. However Vanessa's head is turned towards Johnny as she would like him to pay her a bit more attention. If he had, he would have noticed her distinct lack of nutrition and dentalcare but then again the man seems incapable of brushing even his own hair.

This is a young couple very much in love. Although Heath is not looking at Michelle, he is holding her hand and his head is leaning down in her direction, showing that she is important to him. Likewise, Michelle's body is faced inwards and her shoulders are relaxed in the knowledge that unlike at least one of her former co-stars, she got pregnant to a straight actor who plays gay characters rather than vice versa.

Rupert and Wendi may be physically close together but their expressions seem to be distant and not focused on the same thing. Perhaps he is concerned about living several more years until the question of succession is definitively solved, while she is thinking of how best to secure a delicious chunk of her husband's legacy. Her firm grip on his shoulder indicates that she will be staying put for the time being. His tie is askew which has more to do with an incompetent valet rather than anything else.

Although they are not romantically involved, their natural ease around each other indicates that they have developed a good working rapport. But be aware that Gwyneth's slightly uplifted head and her sly use of her pregnant belly to encroach upon Sir Anthony's space, not to mention the fact that she is Gwyneth Paltrow, means that even though he received a Lifetime Achievement Award she is still superior to him in every way.

The love in this couple appears to be originating from Ang Lee and Ang Lee alone. We see Clint trying to create some distance between them with little success. We are always happy to be proven wrong in affairs of the heart but all the signs point to a short-lived affair that has shades of Play Misty For Me.

This is quite a new relationship for both Scarlett and Harvey and they are still testing the waters before making a commitment, as evidenced by the wandering eyes. However the positioning of her breasts and his obviously phallic necktie reflect a desire to connect on a physical level which suggests that at the very least they will both be leaving the party together.

Monday, January 16

You Like, You Buy Vol 39

Update: A choice selection of last week's celebrity pics is up on Teh Interweb.

Coming from Sydney I have very low standards when it comes to various modes of public transportation. All I ask is that they arrive on time and there is no lingering scent of vomit in the air. Hong Kong trains not only deliver on this consistently, but they're constantly coming up with ways to make the commute from point A to point B a little bit more rewarding for you and the other 999 people in your carriage. Red packets, gold ingots, a loyalty scheme, free internet... there is much to be reaped from giving the chauffeur the day off and taking the train.

In addition to transporting people, the MTR also does brisk business on the side with its range of souvenirs. The crystals in particular have proven to be quite popular even in spite of the phrase "sparkles like a colourful rainbow in a world of fantasy".

While the souvenirs are not quite items you would find in the Golden Globes gift bag, they are handy for when you have forgotten to buy that all-important present for that all-important someone and you are enroute to meet them. It's akin to a gift picked up at the airport duty free shop only 10 times worse but still 10 times better than arriving empty-handed. So without further ado, I present some recommendations, in order of niftiness.

Ticket Gate Tape Dispenser

Mini Torch

Ticket Issuing Machine Memo Holder

Train Stapler

Money Bank

Airport Express/Porsche Mini Set
(A Porsche mounting an Airport Express train which is I assume the only way the two could possibly make love)

Another blog to visit: clouded Bunny grounded in denim - My previous home country was Germany. That is why I like dark, chewy bread, have a cultivated disposition to unpolished lunacy and am good at bitching.