Saturday, August 21

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 5

Next time Silvio Berlusconi has a hair transplant, he should consider recuperating in Hong Kong where his bandanna will go unnoticed in a city plagued by inappropriate headwear.

In Hong Kong, things fall out of the sky on the odd occasion and hurt or kill people. Sometimes it's because of careless construction work or buildings in disrepair, so you find the odd ton of bricks, concrete or a balcony plummeting to the ground. Other times, people living in high rise buildings can't be bothered to bring stuff to the rubbish tip. Dead housepet, broken tv, moth eaten mattress, out the window they go. It's one of the reasons why people rush around so much because a moving target is a difficult one.

One woman isn't taking any chances and although her safety consciousness is commendable, her fashion sense is not. Yellow hardhats don't really go with anything other than dungarees, a lumberjack shirt and a leather toolbelt.

Would it kill the parents to buy the kid a hat? It costs less than the lifetime's worth of therapy that they've set her up for. The playground is an unforgiving place and you don't win friends with grotty teatowels.

See how dad's hand is clamped to her head to prevent her from taking it off. Get used to it kid, your parents aren't going to be sending you to college. They've decided that you're going to be a fast food worker instead.

Friday, August 20

Love Shack

Today's post is primarily for the bored homebodies who want to spice up their dens of monotony (I mean their homes, you sick people!).

Someone who has been watching too much Furniture Porn has created the Bond Age Beanie. Sigh. So many double entendres, so little time. And the best that their clueless copywriter could come up with was "naughty but nice!" and "indulge in a little gentle exercise". If there's one thing that slash fiction has taught people, it's that the tender moments happen right before and after the S&M bits not during.

I wonder if this shoot would be a high point or a low point on a model's cv. If you can tear your eyes away from elsewhere to look at Beanie Babe's face, you'll see that she's trying to suppress the discomfort of the little beans digging into her pressure points and her hair poking in her eyes which she can't get to flick away because someone has inconveniently lost the key to the handcuffs. Meanwhile all the photographer can say is, "Arch your back a bit more! Just a little bit! Arch it like you've never arched before baby!" Not sexy.

Bond Age Beanie comes in a variety of colours and materials but the one they have chosen to feature is a black suede one. Once you go black you can never go back eh? As suede makes it difficult to wipe off blood or bodily fluids, you'd be better off getting the Bond Age Beanie in leather. A clean whipping surface makes for a happy one.

Designer Beverly Feldman thinks it's incredibly sexy to get down on your knees and do some cleaning. Her Love Collection is a set of tarted up cleaning tools including mops, dustpans and brooms clad in lace nighties, lip shaped sponges, rubber gloves with lace cuffs and corseted toilet brush holders. I doubt these frou frou items would be able to clean anything effectively unless you live in tv adland where one light stroke that barely skims the floor will instantly make it sparkling clean.

As there are some Beverly Feldman shoes and handbags currently stocked at the Lane Crawford department store, you can probably get them to order the Love Collection in for you if you throw enough money at them. Never underestimate the lengths they will go to for a rich horny woman.

Beverly is so enamoured with her own collection that she has chosen to model it herself as shown in the picture above. Maybe all the models were busy that day on kinky beanbag gigs. With feather duster in hand, she purrs "would you like me to polish the leather chateau?" The resulting image does not arouse me but reminds me that I need to visit my eccentric, wealthy aunt to make sure I haven't been cut out of her will.

If you're still being ignored then perhaps you can spend a bit of quality time with your washing machine. The Orgasmatic washing machine promises a spin cycle that is saucy and a rinse that is rampant. It's only available online so turn the volume up and choose your settings. Hard + Hot + Mobile = Excitement+++

Thursday, August 19

HyperBoy & friends

There's a video clip out there that's been bothering me for some time now. No, it's not the high definition 3D Director's Cut version of "One Night in Paris" (which I don't have a link for because I'm sure everyone has seen it by now). I found it on a website of the day list which just described the clip as Vietnam's newest pop idol. Before you have a look at 3 minutes worth of pure pop goodness, read the following observations in order to enhance your viewing experience.

In the early 1990s, French boy singer Jordy burnt up the Euro club scene with his catchy Les Boules song - T'as les boules, t'as les boules, boules, boules, Oh oh oh, oh oh, qu'est-ce que t'as?. Please don't let me be the only person who remembers this song. More than 10 years later, Vietnam has come up with its own version of Jordy in the form of a hyperactive little boy who missed taking his last scheduled dosage of Ritalin. Hyperboy sings mostly in Vietnamese (I think), but in between his wailing of Ohhhhhhh, Whoaaaaa and Oyyyyyyyy I can make out a couple of English words like "I'm number one" and "I love you". I like it when lyrics cut to the chase.

The wardrobe people have put a lot of thought into HyperBoy's costumes. It's not an easy task to make a little boy look sleazy and adorable at the same time - awww you're so cute, of course I'll let you pimp me out and take virtually all of my earnings while I sleep on the hard floor at the foot of your bed. Hyperboy's backup dancers don't look too happy and have this kind of look on their faces which says "They promised me that I would be working with Asian Prince".

Footage of HyperBoy gyrating with his backup dancers is spliced with footage of HyperBoy gyrating with his homegirls. If by homegirls, you mean a bunch of random female passersby taken off the street and asked to shake their booty around him. What ensues is the most embarrassing public display of rhythm I have ever seen. Two girls in particular stand out. The first chick has long hair and wears a white tanktop and big sunglasses. Her idea of dancing is to raise her arms, sway in the most lackadaisical manner possible and touch her hair. Whenever the camera pans to her, she makes a point of running her fingers through her hair. Every. Bloody. Time. You could make a drinking game based on the number of times she strokes her hair.

The other chick is in a khaki tank top and khaki mini skirt. She is really psyched so be in the video but that's not enough! Khaki chick starts off doing her own dance interpretation at the back of the dancing crowd, slowly works her way to the front and at one point I swear she even crosses in front of the camera so that she can get a prime spot next to HyperBoy. She's so perilously close to Hyperboy that he even has to move a bit to make room to accommodate her. And all the while she's spasmodically flailing her limbs around but she don't care, she's on the way to being a soopa stah!

You can view the clip here. As with all cheesy pop videos, your mileage may vary. Is it part of an ad for something totally unrelated like contraceptives? Is it a song that's been tearing up the Vietnam's Top 40 charts? Has Hyperboy released any other singles or is he just a one hit&miss wonder? Anyone? Anyone? I need to know. Seriously.

Wednesday, August 18

J'Abhor Dior

The fashion house of Christian Dior recently reported that sales in the second quarter of this year rose by about 20%. This is not good news because it means that head designer John Galliano can come up with just about anything (like Dior contact lenses) and people will still buy it.

Walking into a Dior boutique is always an uncomfortable experience. It's a bit like entering the home of a certified lunatic but you can't actually say out loud that he's lost the plot or laugh at the ridiculousness of it all because his black-clad attendants will hush you and frown disapprovingly. Let's take a look at some of the wildly popular Dior collections that are currently instore.

Dior Golf

This collection is for bimbos who have been forced to learn golf by their partners but are too spineless to say "awww honey, stuff your golf, I'm going shopping with Daddy's credit card instead". They've also heard that golf is a rich man's game so hanging round the golfcourse might allow them to trade up their partners for someone with more money but less life expectancy. But seriously, who wears sh*t like this? I mean, take a look at this excuse for a golf shoe. Anyone caught wearing that ought to taken out the back of the country club and whacked repeatedly with a 9-iron.

Dior Rasta

Look pon mi Dior Rasta. Lang time mi a wait. Dis cost dear but dat wicked nuh? Yeh mon, pure gal waan Dior Rasta. I don't know how you would explain rastafarianism or reggae to the average Hong Kong tai-tai. Maybe just tell them that the green represents money, gold represents their gaudy jewellery and red represents Red Bull & vodka.

Dior D'Trick

Dior D'Trick is said to be inspired by the style of screen goddess Marlene Dietrich and the name of the collection is a play on her name. It would have been less insulting to her legend if they had just defecated on her grave. Life's a bitch Marlene, then you die and fashion houses churn out crap and blame you for it.

Dior has decided to spend some of its easily-earned money on hiring Charlize Theron as the new face of the J'adore Dior fragrance. In Asia, we have to make do with Hong Kong entertainer Kelly Chen as the Dior spokesperson for the region. Kelly is a bit of a media darling because she manages to keep her weight below the magic 50kg mark. It follows that she is also a very popular choice for ads in Hong Kong - everywhere I go I find her looking out at me from billboards, tv screens or magazines with the unnerving stare of a deranged pigeon. Dior must be thinking along the same lines as me because they wrapped her in a straitjacket for this ad and ordered the surrounding models not to look at the crazy pigeon woman.

Tuesday, August 17

Prison Chic

Being in fashion sometimes means taking style inspiration from the less privileged sections of society. So far we've been subjected to trailer trash chic (popularised by the likes of women who often appear in Hong Kong Tatler), peasant chic and even Derelicte-style homeless chic.

Prison chic became popular in Germany last year when the Haeftling (which means inmate in German) label launched its online store. At the time the range consisted of prison-inspired menswear and leathergoods made by inmates of the Tegel maximum security prison. Initial reviews were very positive as people marvelled at how rapists, murderers and robbers could sew such straight seams. Even though my style is more sadistic jail warden I think that selling prisongear an innovative concept .

One year on and Haeftling - "Jailwear since 1898" - is still going strong. Go you hardened crims! Over 10 prisons in Germany and Switzerland have been recruited to cope with the demand. The product range has expanded to include womenswear, household products, jam and wine. Hands that have previously crushed someone's throat were been found to be particular effective at crushing grapes. There is also a physical Haeftling store where you can get a polaroid mug shot of yourself taken. You can hang it up at work and when your annoying co-worker asks you what you got arrested for, you can narrow your eyes and whisper menacingly at them "If I told you, I would have to kill you first". And do that finger slitting motion under your throat for good measure.

The beauty of Haeftling is that prisons earn money so that they can afford locks, prisoners get to do stuff other than plot escape routes (while earning more money than they would in a Chinese sweatshop) and consumers like us get to flaunt our "Made in Jail" labels without having to do the crime or do the time. See, it's a win-win situation. Klaus Dieter-Blank of Tegel Prison even goes so far as to say that the success of the label means that people are beginning to understand what goes on behind the walls. Yes, it's just like Santa's toy workshop with the occasional bouts of shocking violence and abuse.

As the Haeftling clothes are based on prison clothing, don't be expecting any namby-pamby hoity-toity artsy-fartsy designs. The Haeftling website features basic shirts, jackets, pants and dare I say it, wifebeaters. They come in a number of colours too but I have to say that these raspberry and canary yellow pants just scream "prison bitch".

Haeftling clothes are praised for being tough-wearing and durable which is probably why they are stocked in Hong Kong. In particular they have been tested to withstand the following:
1. people body slamming against you while crossing the road;
2. people barrelling into you while you try to get off trains or lifts;
3. people giving you a flying shoulder tackle while they try to get a seat on the train;
4. being squashed by lift doors while you are trying to get on or get off; and
5. people shoving you aside so that they can walk past you.

The most interesting outfit I found on the site was a prison jumpsuit. It could be worn as a statement about the shackles of society or the oppressiveness of the workplace (casual Fridays will never be the same again). It's also a great way to get a date. All you have to do is wear the jumpsuit and half-sing half-scream at your target like a lovesick maniac:

Only you can set me free
'Cause I'm guilty (guilty)
As a guy can be
Come on baby can't you see
I stand accused
Of Love in the first degree

Monday, August 16

All I want is world peace and my frickin' tiara

With all the excitement over the Olympics, I totally forgot about the Miss Hong Kong pageant. Even a HK beauty contest for pregnant women received more coverage.

The Miss Hong Kong competition is seen a stepping stone to greater things such as being a model, an actress, or the ultimate goal of all, a rich man's mistress. Once you make the final round, it's a long and gruelling trek involving a trip to Africa to make nice with the people and animals there, the making of a music video, tons of rehearsals for performances on the night, and even more interviews where you have to smile and say "world peace" a lot. I've heard of girls having to defer their studies and their careers so that they can participate in the chance of a lifetime. But when they stick the tiara on you and you smile smugly at those other bitches that you thrashed, all the sacrifices that have you made suddenly become worth it.

While browsing the official website, I came across a page which featured some designs of the pageant fashion. The drawings looked like they came from a bad 1980s cartoon (Jem and the Whorograms?) and the sequin-happy designer is obviously a big fan of Joan Collins circa the Dynasty years. While designing this costume, the designer had a hissyfit and thought "f**k this sh*t, I'll just let my kid finish the rest of it".

What would a beauty pageant be without a humiliating swimsuit section? One of the contestants is seen here in this fetching creation called "a bat with bulging eyes clings to my body". There's a further 8 pages of swimsuit dress rehearsal photos here. You can thank me by buying me lots of nice things. All I can say is that this guy must have enjoyed his job a lot. Dad, the TVB work experience program rocks!

UPDATE: You want comments? You got comments. Be nice y'all, I bruise easily.
Oh yeah, and the winner was chick no. 6, followed by chicks no. 1 and no. 12. Chick no. 12 would have won but then she made the mistake of listing her favourite song as an Enya one.

You Like, You Buy Vol 1

Hong Kong shopping isn't all about overexposed brands like LV or Rolex. Many shoppers over here need to be educated that famous brand names aren't always the best, and I would like to be the person just to do that, especially if it means hitting them repeatedly on their heads with non-designer handbag (filled with non-designer bricks).

This new section will feature the website of a lesser known brand or item sold in Hong Kong. Visit the site, I promise it will be a couple of minutes in your day that you will never get back! I was going to put a poll up as well but HTML is not my friend. So anyway, over the weekend I found some handbags that were made by Morn Creations ( Morn stands for Memorial, Original, Retro and New Design. Some brands just need to justify their name with nonsensical words and if you are being picky, then the name should actually be MORND. Shrug.

Morn handbags include designs featuring little cartoon children playing ping pong, little cartoon Chinese spaceman and some genuine 1970s fabric. I don't have a fabric dating kit handy to tell you whether the fabric has in fact come from the 1970s, so don't ask. Even though they look like sportsbags I think I want a pingpong one to use for travelling. It may just be a passing fancy, so I'll have to sleep on it and see if the feelings subside after a couple of days.

If you participated in the 1 July 2003 pro-democracy protest and are still patting yourself on your back about it, then the bag below is for you. You will have to ask them whether they plan to release one for 1 July 2004, so that you can carry all of the bags together to show how dedicated to the cause you are.

Sunday, August 15

Aussie oy vey

If the Olympic stadium was filled with snarky sportsfans during the opening ceremony, it would have collapsed under a thunderous groan when the Aussie contingent entered the arena. As one Voguette correctly described, the Olympic uniforms made the Aussie team look like pensioners going out to play pokies at the local RSL. In this photo Mark Philippoussis is thinking "thank god Delta didn't attend otherwise she would got even sicker after seeing me wear this".

Apparently nearly half of the Aussie team skipped the opening ceremony on the team doctor's advice but I bet it was because they took one look at the uniform and refused to leave the Olympic Village wearing it. All the more reason for the Aussie athletes to try their hardest in these games so that during the closing ceremony there will be lots of medals around their necks to take the attention away from the uniforms.

At least one newspaper has already decided that the worst outfit belonged to Australia. I don't understand how something that took so long to make and probably cost a lot of money, looks so much worse than the uniforms worn by the less developed countries. It would have been less embarrassing if they sent everyone out dressed like the Crocodile Hunter. The uniforms were designed by Marc Newson who is a wonderboy at designing objects (but obviously not apparel) and Robert Allan, a partner in the Mooks streetwear label. I think it's a bit lazy for the Mooks guy to come up with a boring white t-shirt - couldn't he have at least put some words on it like "Carn Aussies"?

Australian fashion designer Liz Davenport praised the design but if you check out her website, you will find that her bland collections are based on a 1990s fashion philosophy and she thinks it's ok for a woman to go out dressed like this. This is the second time Aussie designers have been disappointing this week, the first time being at the David Jones summer collection launch when someone managed to pull off the impossible and make Linda Evangelista look like ass.

The only other team that looked worth of snark were the Japanese who were just one big Asian Von Trapp family - remember that scene in The Sound of Music when Maria made the children some play clothes out of old flowered curtains? The American team went for a look that was broadly described as urban in a preppy Tommy Hilfiger way. I didn't understand why the word Roots was on the uniform at first, thinking it was a shoutout to Kunta Kinte. Anyway I would have preferred it if their urban look was a little bit more ghetto fabulous. This has nothing to do with uniforms but when the Chinese team came out, they reminded me of a really big Chinese tour group that you usually see roaming around Hong Kong.