Friday, March 11

Sisters are doing it for themselves

Events occurring in the same week as International Women's Day

MTV Spring Break in Cancun

2005 Miss Universe Japan selected

Coors Light Maxim Girl Search Fantasy Finals

Lindsay Lohan lets Bruce Willis give her a fatherly pantsing

Tara Reid sues property development company over an ad because it will make her appear less chaste

And finally, something empowering. Brigitte Nielsen marries for the sixth time

Essential Party Items: Part 2

Continuing yesterday's post about party essentials, I'm not going to blather about the importance of party beverages to you. It's because you lot seem to be a discerning bunch who aim to get sloshed beyond redemption at every available opportunity. However one comment I'm going to make is that if you're planning to inhale something at the party it better be a damn sight more exciting than just alcohol without liquid.

While not as critical as food, the right sort of lighting can really get a party going. I would say that LED lighting is the way of the future, if it wasn't for the fact that it was invented back in the 1960s. It's pretty, mesmerising and in large numbers potentally seizure-inducing. As the host, the onus is on you to let your guests know that this party is pumpin'. LED around the waist, LED around the ass. That's what I'm getting at.

This area is a difficult one to consider. There aren't too many viable alternatives which is why a lot of people always revert to karaoke or playing mahjong. A theremin
virtuoso? A crockery-bending illusionist? These things are more often miss than hit. Celebrity impersonators? Who wants to see normal people acting like celebrities anyway? People want to see celebrities acting like normal people. Or better still like abnormal people.

In reality it's the little things, or the little people even, that make the biggest difference. If Snow White didn't know all those dwarves she wouldn't have had such a time in the woods. Midgets are small in size but big on entertainment value. You can dress them in a white suit and have them come running out to greet guests "What is de fantasee, boss?". You can even rest your drinks on them. So for your next party you should seriously consider renting a midget:
Think about the best party you've ever been to, wouldn't it have been better if there was a midget there?

Because if you don't, I most certainly will, even if you didn't invite me. People would rather turn away a baby left on their doorstep than a gatecrasher with their own midget.

Wednesday, March 9

Essential Party Items: Part 1

Good news y'all, I've been invited to a party! It will be my first social outing this month. No, I tell a lie, make that this year. Oh ok...if you must know I really don't get out much since the Hong Kong Society for the Prevention of Grown Women Dressing Like Strawberry Shortcake to Work stopped meeting due to lack of membership. Anyhow, being a social pariah doesn't make me any less capable of giving advice on how to host a successful party. Read and you may learn something.

The presence of something so simple as food can make or break a party. Drinks & dancing can only get you so far but Drinks, DINNER and dancing, that's like hitting the trifecta! I salute the person who serves up finger food replete with dips galore, fancy toothpicks, and napkins that do not chafe. That person clearly understands that when I crawl home feeling hungry and find nothing edible in the fridge, I will fall into a fitful sleep cursing their name. Besides, who goes to bed hungry these days. We're not living in a Victorian orphanage here!

Much as I enjoy stuffing my mouth with carbs, I also enjoy dinner party conversations (even if I conduct most of them with my mouth full of carbs). To use food as a method for starting conversations by stamping words on it is pure genius. For a more intellectual crowd, you can challenge the establishment with thought provoking messages. Something like a scrumptious fruit flan with the embossed statement "Third base...feels like warm apple pie. Discuss." ought to spark healthy debate.

To be continued tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 8

Stay Stout

It's a sad day when the bastions of obesity get influenced by Eastern European supermodels bound in tiny swatches of fabric and squealing delightedly in the surf.

Diego Maradona's stomach stapling surgery has been declared a resounding success and left him with the ability to only eat bite-sized pieces of lard. Meanwhile Kirstie Alley wants to become Fit Actress with the help of Jenny Craig and is blogging her progress. I'm not terribly familiar with how these weight loss centres work but if they are anything like the ones in Hong Kong then I shall look forward to seeing the new improved Kirstie Alley sitting on an exercise ball with legs splayed out from under a red tutu.

It's rumoured that they are doing this for health reasons but what is "healthy" but a vague wishywashy concept? It's just another way to justify food that tastes like cardboard and the existence of overpriced gym memberships. Healthy is all in the mind, irrespective of size. Only a healthy person would be able to pay homage to Paris Hilton in a feather boa or be able to move one's body in a way that sends Mischa Barton into throes of disgust.

Everywhere you look, society discriminates against the obese. Miniscule economy class seats. Gadgets with tiny buttons. Unreasonable weight restrictions in elevators. Doorways. And worst of all, toilet seats that are too uncomfortable for reading the entire newspaper from front to back. The Extra-Elongated, Extra-Wide toilet bowl may have arrived a little too late for the likes of Diego Maradona and Kirstie Alley but there's still hope for the rest. As long as there exists a rim size that fits, there really is no cause for concern.

Monday, March 7

HK Bridal Special: Chapter 3

Prepare for a slight frisson of excitement as I unfold the next chapter of the ongoing Hong Kong bridal special. It's widely believed, and you can quote me on this, that one cannot hold a wedding effectively without the groom. However groom fashion is an oft-neglected area simply because it has little use for tulle, lace and cathedral trains. Grooms who are not content with being the passive partner fashionwise would do well in Hong Kong where the local HK bridal industry is working tirelessly to redress the imbalance between the sexes.

As with every other area of fashion, we have to contend with the retro look, a throwback to yesteryear. Or in this case, the Seinfeld years:

We've decided to cut costs and streamline operations so I'm your maitre'd as well as your groom for the evening. This moth-eaten cobwebbed coat was a treasured heirloom that was handed down from generation to generation until I picked it up for a song at a flea market.

Roll up roll up, come see the greatest show on earth that is our wedding. Meet the bearded lady, the Alligator man and the three-legged albino dwarf, and that's just my side of the family.

No wedding album would be complete without the pre-arranged costumed photo shoot. This is where the groom can really shine on an equal footing with the bride. The aim is to take enough pictures which one can show their children and explain to them, as you can see you inherited your dubious taste from Mum and Dad, but more so from Dad.

Arrr, tonight I shall be getting the booty that I so richly deserve!

This sort of couple will probably choose the soul draining Titanic theme song for their first dance instead of something awesome and upbeat like it's LOOOOOOOOOOOVE!! It's LOOOOOOOOOVE!! It's the Love Boat-ah! It's the Love Boat-ah!.

You may have detected a trend of traditionally masculine costumes. What better way to assert your stout-hearted, red-blooded strapping macho dominance than to don full Highland gear. Maybe not during the ceremony though, lest you can't resist the insatiable urge to scream FREE-DOMM!!! and moon the crowd in response to the question "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"

Previous instalments: Chapter 1 and Chapter 2

Sunday, March 6

Fashion Roadkill of the Day: Vol 29

The other night I woke up, panicked and screaming, as I felt myself being face-humped by an oversized furry caterpillar. Fortunately it was only Munridda but there was a split second beforehand when I wanted to fling the caterpillar to the ground and use a pillow to softly pummel the life out of it. That's the same reaction I had when I saw this lady.

I contemplated beating her with my handbag to stop both giant caterpillars from marauding her shoulders. They had probably been pupating in her bouffant hair or inside her ears, seemed like there was enough space in there. Upon closer inspection, I realised they were just furry epaulettes to signify her rank in the order of fashion victims. That or maybe her shoulders had so much hair that it sprouted through her clothing.

It's all because people aren't ashamed to wear fur anymore. Even those who can't afford a Russian Sable are trying to flaunt it by draping a bearskin rug around their shoulders.

Dead animals are being scraped off highways at an alarming rate for their pelts. Sometimes, due to demand, designers don't even bother converting the pelts into proper pieces of clothing. All they have time for is a lazy cut and paste job:

Finally I have found someone who truly encapsulates the meaning of Fashion Roadkill.