How to prevent unwanted house guests

Having a zoo in your town means that you live in constant fear that a resident gorilla will break out and make a beeline for your home. It's not as if you need another house guest who leaves the toilet seat up or drinks straight out of the carton. Gorillas also have the potential to grow to an unmanageable size. Even bigger than a tall building. Even bigger than Adrien Brody's nose.

At least one zoo in Japan has had the foresight to prepare for this gorilla home invasion threat. By putting a man in a gorilla suit, they are already streaks ahead of everyone else.


Upon encountering an errant silverback, the first thing to do is to erect a dodgeball net around it. This will unnerve it slightly as it works out its strategy on how to be the last primate standing. Watch out for those opposable thumbs - if it gets in possession of the ball, it's game over.


Once you have managed to knock it down with a good hard throw towards its head, it's time to bring in the ape whisperer. His job is to lull the dazed monkey into submission with gentle renditions of the Banana Boat song.


Then only thing left to do is to wrap the very relaxed gorilla up and truss it unceremoniously in the back of a truck. When it wakes up, it will be back in its rightful home and think it was all just an extremely vivid dream.

Unfortunately this is all I have time for this week but tune in next week when I will expound on how to use a dog to keep your kitchen floor sparkling clean. Until then, thinking of the man in the gorilla suit, of you and of everyone held captive in the bastardry of work.

Mozart would have liked that

Were I a socialite, the Vienna Opera ball would definitely be something to prattle about in a high-pitched voice over afternoon tea and cucumber sandwiches. This year is particularly special because firstly Carmen Electra was selected to be a special guest and secondly (and slightly less importantly so) the event is celebrating its 50th anniversary.

As befits the status of this glittering occasion, the dress code for men is insufferably strict and requires the full coat and tails shebang. It has also become custom for the more privileged to make a grand entrance (as above), accompanied by a side of breast and thighs. Carmen Electra's decision to avoid embarrassing America by keeping her clothes on met with public approval but private disappointment.


However it is clear that Carmen, in displaying her inability to air kiss with aplomb, is still very much unschooled in the ways of the socialite. Female-on-female kissing that doesn't involve tongue has never really been her forte.

Carmen Electra may seem like a very random choice for something so highfalutin' but when you look at the more recent celebrity guests, you can detect a trend emerging.


Yes, they would all be names that come to mind when trying to cast a low-rent Bond girl, which is exactly what this role amounts to. Instead of out saving the world armed with the knowledge of nuclear technology and sexy high kicks, her task is to make sure that her aging Austrian playboy escort passes out drunk before he can get in a good grope.

Naturally there are some fuddy duddys who don't appreciate interlopers without old money and inbreeding on their cv. "These women are horrible. Their presence damages the event's distinguished image," says a woman who slept during the 1990s and missed out on two of the biggest phenomena of that golden age - Baywatch and Spice Girls. Furthermore the definition of distinguished really depends on whether you have remembered to put on your pince nez glasses:


Let's take a closer look at that sumptuous bit of jewellery on the lady who isn't with Austro-Elvis.


On a less superficial note, there is more to the Vienna Opera ball than just basking in the abundant opulence and affluence on display. You can listen to the opera and waltz the night away and generally do all the magical things you wished you could do instead of being a Cockney flower seller huddled by the roadside cursing out the cold night air.

You also have the opportunity to meet people who are unfamiliar with the concept of public transport. It's not everyday you make the acquaintance of someone who married Germany's wealthiest plastic surgeon for the freebies, was arrested of his murder but later released, then went on to snare a prince and still had time to make their own website (www.tatjanagsell.com).

Deceptively simple revenge ideas from Martha Stewart Living

Vandalising cars
Damaging somebody's car is a good way of causing inconvenience and mild distress. This is best done when the car is in a stationary position. If your enemy has more than one car, start with the most expensive looking one and work your way downwards.

Press a sharp key firmly against one of the car doors until you have scratched beneath the paint. Keeping the key pressed down, scratch the entire length of the vehicle. Use a straight ruler to maintain a neat line. Measure the position of the first scratch and repeat for the other side making sure that both scratches are at the same height. If you have time, let out one of the tires.

Hate bouquet
Flowers convey many meanings, but unfortunately most of them are positive. Here's how to turn a box of roses into a nasty surprise. Gather one dozen fresh-cut long-stemmed roses from your garden. Lightly spray the roses with black matte paint. Leave to dry for 3 hours and spray with sealant.

Clip the roses to 18 inches and tie together with barbed wire. Decorate the inside of a box with a dead rat (it should be dead for no more than 1 week) and its droppings. Complete with a f**k you note elegantly engraved on high-quality heavyweight card stock.

Public restroom graffiti
Carefully designed graffiti draws attention to your message and can increase the aesthetic value of a public area. A few simple steps will let you defame your enemy without spending more time in a sleazy toilet than is necessary.

Create a stencil, in the same size as a bathroom tile, containing your enemy's details including name, address and number. Include a comment about their apparent homosexuality or sexual inadequacy. Prepare the tile you have chosen by cleaning it with tile conditioner. Apply adhesive to the back of the stencil and place it firmly on the tile.

Using a sponge brush, apply an even, opaque coat of enamel paint over the stencil. You can use different colours for different sections. Remove the stencil after painting. Allow to dry and use sealer to stop the paint from fading.

Lawn Destruction
For many people, their garden brings them a sense of pride and achievement. In this case obliterating their lawn can be particularly satisfying. It is recommended that the vindictive act be done under the cover of night.

You will need 20 gallons of extra concentrated weedkiller and sturdy garden stakes. Arrange the stakes in the ground to spell out your favourite four-letter dirty word. Position each letter 30 inches apart. For maximum effect use caps instead of lower case. Carefully pour the weedkiller within the perimeter of the stakes. Remove the stakes and return in the early morning to admire your handiwork.

Photoshopped fliers
In this day and age, people will believe anything bad they hear about somebody. Learn how to spread scandalous and mean-spirited rumours with some basic craft skills. I used this to great effect on my ex-longtime friend Donald Trump.

Start by building up a collection of high-quality images of your nemesis. You will then need a program called Photoshop or some other image application editor. Using this software, pick one of the images and attach the head onto various scenes depicting deviant acts of sexual gratification. Download our animal template or create your own. Take care to clear up any obvious signs of manipulation. Colour print the images and embellish with warnings about previous convictions. Distribute in mailboxes and post as fliers around the neighbourhood.

Don't do the crime if you can't do the time

Everyone in Milan is reeling at the possibility that one of their richest and most stylish could go to jail. And all because he ticked the wrong box on his tax return. Given how fast fashion moves, a two year prison sentence would be a disaster. By the time Cavalli gets released, he'll only be remembered as that guy who was excessively fond of animal prints and designed other stuff that made Sheryl Crow, Alicia Keys and Scarlett Johansson look totally crap.



Unbeknownst to the public Roberto Cavalli has actually been under investigation for some time. Unless they got a watertight testimony, tax evasion was the only way they were ever going to nail him. His laundry list of alleged crimes reads longer than most other fashion designers with mob connections. Here's a little of what can be revealed about his murky deeds:


Each year he is responsible for 7 out of 10 cases of indecent exposure at bars. The victims are usually men and the vast majority of them choose suffer silently rather than voice their concerns and risk disbelief & ridicule.


He also recently committed visual assault on the public at large by incorporating tie-dye into his menswear collection. The last person who wore this was effectively exiled from his neighbourhood.


Informants have observed plenty of suspicious activity at his notorious pool parties. It has been rumoured that these men are part of a giant conspiracy to convert ALL males into buffed and hairless Adonises in tight speedos.


In Asia, the kingpin furthered his criminal network by trafficking sordidly detailed fashion phones. These phones were sold without proper warnings about how they can lead others to believe that the owner lacks good taste.


Finally, the designer stands accused of perpetrating massive fraud. Over the past few months he has been carting around a wax mannequin of Victoria Beckham at public events and trying, very successfully in fact, to pass it off as the real thing. Counterfeiting celebrities is a serious offence and when the authorities catch up with him, we can expect some harsh justice to be meted out.

Fitness DVDs as reviewed by a fat cat in China

So here's the thing. I'm what you call a little overweight. I clock in at 33 pounds and when you weigh more than a female lead on The O.C. then you have to admit you have a problem. There are 2 things I hold culpable for my obesity - the first being Chinese food. How anyone can dislike eating Chinese food is beyond me. It's like having a burning hatred for fluffy little kittens or chubby-cheeked babies. Impossible.

The second thing is lack of exercise which is also beyond my control. There is no way in hell you're gonna see me hunting down anything over here without being properly vaccinated first. So I figured out the safest way to lose weight was to pick up some fitness DVDs from amazon.com. Ah the wonders of one-click shopping!

The Jordan Workout
When I first saw the cover, I swear I thought Jordan's tank top had the word "tit" on it. This made me laugh and laugh so hard I almost busted something. Anyway I was willing to give this a go because she had managed to lose her pregnancy weight so quickly.

I thought the exercises were well-suited to a beginner like me. It certainly felt like a good all-round workout that covered important things such as safety and stretching but also really hit the problem spots. However I couldn't get round the size of Jordan's breasts. Wouldn't carrying out the weight of them alone be enough exercise? They were incredibly distracting. So distracting in fact that after the first set I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. I spent the rest of the day under the covers being mesmerised by them moving up and down on my tv screen.



Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease
Whoa, this should come with a difficulty warning. Now I'm not one for fads but I thought this would be a good way of toning my hips, thighs, buns and abs while having a little bit of fun. But man, I threw my back out halfway during the sensual sexy librarian routine. Maybe I was too ambitious. Maybe I was should have started with "Fit to Strip" first. Needless to say this put me out of action for a few weeks.



During that time all the progress I had made sorrowfully unravelled when I discovered smoked salmon flavoured potato chips. Damn it, the tape measure does not lie!



David Carradine's Chi Energy Workout for Beginners



I was drawn to this DVD because I've always felt an affinity with David Carradine. Like him, I'm a white guy surrounded by a bunch of Chinese folk, crushing grasshoppers under my feet wherever I travel. After all that intense energy it was refreshing to take a more gentle and relaxing approach to working out. It was all about bringing mind body and spirit into harmony. If I kept this up, I could probably will myself onto the bed instead of needing my owner to give my ass a lift.

In conclusion I didn't lose any weight but the important thing to remember is that I didn't gain any either. Who am I kidding, I am so gonna need one of those celebrity self-help books.


Another blog to visit: Life After Jiangxi

You Like, You Buy Vol 41

Local fashion retailer Gitti (www.gitti.com) was founded on the vague premise of "the global outlook of local fashion". You can choose to dismiss it as a load of marketing BS but it's really an indication of how local designers have broadened their vision. They are now designing not just for a local audience but for the bewilderment of people in far-flung reaches of the world.

Surprisingly in this case, the clothes themselves are not particularly appealing, nor are they particularly horrible. They are the sartorial equivalent of a tepid action movie starring 2 cops of differing ages/ethnicities/sexual proclivities. However Gitti has managed to set up a myriad of stores in Asia and even set up shop in the land of the free & home of the brave.

The secret must lie in their killer advertising campaigns. Sometimes all you need is a fantastic model who make a compelling visual argument for even the most mediocre item. For its most recent collection, Gitti decided to spread this burdensome responsibility between 2 models.


The first one played it serious, and gave the clothes a dark and intense edge to them. Look and learn budding Shakespearean actors. This is the look someone gets just before they unsheath their ponytail and brandish it through someone.

It is with the second model, however, where you really begin to appreciate the value of posture and facial expression. She exudes a boundless, infectious enthusiasm for life even in the face of extreme adversity and the worst ponytail ever uploaded onto the internet.


I would imagine that the photographer's directions would also play a big part in the resulting shot. For example, he would most likely have told the model to affect a sunny disposition that went together with her bright clothes and a slouch that matched her boots.


In this case, she would be channeling a grinning Christmas elf. She can't wait for the festive season to roll around because of the distinct possibility that by then pants might have reverted to a decent length.


Already the stress of wearing orange, purple and green is starting to take its toll on our model. However she soldiers on, resolutely holding her facial muscles together before they start twitching uncontrollably.


Even amputees should laugh at life because they get to wear one less Birkenstock sandal than everyone else.


Finally, the shoot has come to an end and while one of her legs has regenerated, the other arm remains AWOL. It must have got lost along with the concept of proper art direction. It also says a lot about this whole gig that even though her bladder is about ready to explode she can't wait to hail the first taxi out of there.

Smooth as ice

Dance moves that male Olympic figure skaters might use in combination with cheesy pick-up lines at nightclubs


Excuse me madam, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?


The name is Bond. James Bond.


If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?


You're on my list of things to do tonight.


Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?


Are those "space pants"?...your ass is out of this world!


The word for the night is "legs". Let's go back to my place and spread the word.


Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Transylvania Fashion Week

Darlings, can you smell it in the air? The smell of sophisticated style? Prepare yourselves for a fabulous frenzy of frocks because it's Transylvania Fashion Week! Not even a bag of garlic and a bottle of holy mineral water can keep Countess magazine away from this highlight of the local calendar.


Every year we at Countess go through the same rigmarole of lying, biting and staking our way to an invite to the most popular shows. Then when we arrive, we are herded unceremoniously by evil creatures clad from head to toe in black to a dark and gloomy mausoleum wherein we wait for several lifetimes for the show to begin. You won't find a more fun experience in all of the steep and wild Transylvanian hills.

We are very excited to hear that there will be some new faces on the catwalk. Fresh blood is always welcome around these parts. It will come as no surprise that the collections will be dominated by eveningwear. Industry insiders are hailing the return to the decadent glamour which our kind do best.

Who can forget last year's disastrous attempt at "ballroom shorts"? We've never been so glad to see an end to ghastly pasty legs terrorising the dance floor. Expect luxurious long gowns in body conscious cuts but with enough movement for the faster tempos in the Dance of the Vampires.


We've also been given a sneak peek at some of the special stage sets and effects. At least one designer has imported custom mirrors which have the models' reflections painted on them, giving them the appearance of being human. Clever!


Designers are very keen to vamp it up this season so two big trends to crave for are bare backs and the colour red. Worn together or separately, you'll have so much fun partying away in these sexy pieces you'll probably forget about sunrise until it's too late!


We'll be bringing you non-stop coverage all week so be sure to check our daily missives, delivered by bat right to your castle doorstep. Remember, being undead has never been more fashionable!


Another blog to visit: Emilystyle - How to be a fabulous little lady in a big city

Sports Illustrated synopsis

Meet the $30 million bikini. How can something so expensive look so cheap? Well the cost of airbrushing must have skyrocketed lately. You half expect James Caan to come storming in and yelling at Delinda to put some clothes on. It doesn't look that way but there's supposed to be 150 carats worth of diamonds in that baby. One hundred and fifty. That's more than Molly Sims' weight + her IQ + my IQ.

I'm actually quite pleased about this turn of events because I thought she would never be putting her body to good use again. It was only recently that she seemed so determined to become a serious actress or a half-serious nun.


For more indepth analysis into Molly Sims' jewels, you can purchase the latest edition of Sports Illustrated. You can't miss it - it's the one where 8 of the most beautiful women in the world are melded together to form a heaving mass of sand and sexy (they seem like they are cold, hence the huddling together, but in those positions we don't know how cold exactly).


Of course it's all also available on the website for your instant gratification. This year's edition promises Heidi Klum in nothing! but! paint! and Maria Sharapova in her ever declining trajectory towards Anna Kournikova's current destination.

All the old favourites are also there - Elle McPherson, Rachel Hunter, Rebecca Romijn ex-Stamos and frankly they all could stand to use a bit of that John Frieda Blonde Hair Repair. Honestly, check out Elle's shoot. Even the Lion King looked better when he was going through the trauma of [WARNING SPOILER!] patricide. There's lots more to explore on this site so I'm sure I'll be visiting again when I have an idle moment at work and need some new desktop pictures. Finally it is worth mentioning the 360 degree views player. It's the only section where you get to see totally topless shots.

Give me some of that Western influence

This Valentine's Day give her the dumbest thing you can think of. That's right, because women will put anything in their mouths. While Valentine's Day isn't traditionally an Asian festival, I must say that we have been getting into the swing of things. Normally we celebrate love by praying that we don't end up with a consumptive hunchback who can't afford to buy his lover loads of designer handbags.


Embossed roses have made a splash in the market (just to make sure you don't mistake a bouquet of red roses on this romantic of days as a message of HATE). It's only a matter of time before we start embossing messages of love and fidelity on our body parts, only to realise that laser removal is painful and more expensive than a divorce with no pre-nup involved.


In their weakened, eager-to-please state, men start falling prey enmasse to the wedding trap. Statistics show that Valentine's day is the most popular trap used by women after accidental pregnancy. On any other day a life commitment would seem inappropriate but today is all about showing her a good time even if you have to put on a tuxedo and march down the altar to your impending doom.


As pointed out by the The Bling Blog many couples are choosing to give each other the gift of more pronounced, Caucasian features. Again this is an idea that was popularised in the West by happy customers such as David Gest & Liza Minelli, the Jackson family and most Hollywood couples over the age of 25.

What big steps we have taken to embrace the rampant commercialism of this special event. Now, if only we could overcome our fear of intimacy.